Shoddy Mobby
Poetic.
On Monday the Supreme Court Of The United Status (SCOTUS) rendered a decision in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc.
What’s a “Burwell,” you ask? As the Secretary of Health and Human Services at the time the decision was rendered*, Sylvia Burwell automatically became a footnote to history. Based on her position, as far as this case is concerned, she’s a proxy for the United States.
*render:
melt down (fat) – process (the carcass of an animal) in order to extract proteins, fats, and other usable parts.
At issue (per the Hobby Lobby website): The federal government mandating that “family businesses provide four specific potentially life-terminating drugs and devices through their employee health plan in conflict with their deeply held religious convictions.” Widely the issue is described as contraception. So what are these four drugs? “[T]wo kinds of emergency contraceptive or ‘morning after’ pills, and two types of intrauterine devices, or IUDs.”
Which way did SCOTUS break? Let’s put it this way. I went to the official Hobby Lobby online store and clicked a menu option labeled “News Center.” I was whisked away from shopping to HobbyLobbyCase.com, a lavishly and gorgeously designed website which proudly proclaimed, “A VICTORY FOR RELIGIOUS LIBERTY.”
I guess that answers the question, “Will they keep it low key?” Obviously, hell no. Shout it from the mountain top Moses-style. Some can just naturally sense the appropriate amount of decorum. Is gloating one of the seven deadly sins?
Continue reading →
Guest Post: Big Five Oh
I recently celebrated suffered through a so-called milestone birthday. There was, of course, the obligatory birthday card with all the standard jokes about walkers, eyesight, driving, Geritol and Viagra, as required by law in all states (except Florida). As I desperately scrabbled at the card searching for currency a poem fell to the floor. (See below.) I threw out my back bending over to pick it up.
On the plus side, my wife took me to a strip club. Whoa! She cleverly got me wasted on tequila shots and pints of beer before revealing the destination so I wouldn’t enjoy and/or remember the experience. Still, it was quite a surprise and she treated me to the first “lap dance” of my entire life (I don’t get out much) which consisted of three-minutes of quasi-hugging a naked woman in a semi-private room for $40. (Which, by the way, came out of my wallet.)
Although drunk, I still possessed my math wits. I pulled my iPad out of my pants and used it to calculate the hourly rate of “lap dance” at $800 per hour. That is so not worth it.
To add insult to injury the stripper adult entertainment professional was way more into my wife than she was with me. Downright handsy if you know what I mean. That hurt. There’s nothing quite like a birthday to reinforce your position on the food chain.
She says I can have my next lap dance in another 50 years.
Happy birthday to me!
Ode to My Husband
by Mrs. Abyss
Continue reading →
FOX Spews: There’s Something About Pope
FOX SPEWS ALERT! BREAKING NEWS!
Holy white smoke, Fatman!
We now bring you a LIVE shot of someplace on planet Earth where surging throngs of Pope nerds have assembled to hear about the selection of some guy in some religion.
But first, some pharmaceutical ads. Don’t worry! We’ll do the multiple window thing so the LIVE shot of St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City will continue while we run the commercials. It’s our commitment to you to bring you continuous coverage of these people milling around a square.
Continue reading →
Walk On By
You didn’t walk on by this post? You pervert.
So, yeah, Hal David recently passed away. It was on Sept. 1, 2012. I was on another WordPress blog and they were discussing his passing and that he had written many hit songs with Burt Bacharach including Walk On By. I added to the discussion and said that I was pretty sure I had mentioned that particular song on my blog in the past.
It turns out I was wrong. There are apparently at least two different songs that share that same name. Who knew? And I was remembering the other one. Of course.
You know the one, right? It was co-written by Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Brett Favre, and Anthony Weiner, et al. It’s a romantic little ditty about a fellow walking down the street with his new girl. Along the way he spies his former lover that he’s still in love with and he gets a touching idea. Why not have his cake and eat it, too? Keep it a secret, but give the old flame the signal that his fire still burns. In other words, he’s ready for a little nookie on the side.
Brilliant!
Continue reading →
Catholic Enhancement
This special post is dedicated to Dick Van Dyke. And not because he’s Catholic, either. He’s not. I won’t say more on the subject but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
In all the hubbub about contraception, Rush Limbaugh, sluts, and political candidates wanting to triple the personal deduction for each child, something very special about the debate was forgotten by the wayside.
Don’t worry. I’m still here to do my job. And that’s to remind everyone.
Let us prey.
Continue reading →
ESPN goes on strike
Look hard. Can you spot the bullshit? No, it's not the fact that 10 percent of the screen is advertising.
Tonight while channel flipping I happened to catch the last two outs of a game between Boston and Minnesota on ESPN. The first thing that caught my eye was a strike zone graphic. My first thought? “That shit is lame.”
I kept waiting for it to go away. It didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with the thing on an instant replay, especially on an interesting pitch, situation, or questionable call from the ump.
But to leave that thing on all the time? It’s grotesque.
ESPN calls it the “K-Zone.” If a pitch “should” have been called a strike, regardless of what the umpire called, the box will briefly turn yellow.
Personally I think ESPN is missing a bit opportunity here. Why not fill that space with a Nike logo or a few Viagra pills? More advertising, baby!
As a matter of fact, why not convert the whole grassy area of the ball park into a giant logo. PETCO Park? The athletes could literally be playing on PETCO field!
Speaking of the athletes, there is way too much unused space on their uniforms for more advertising. Perhaps FOX News could adapt their “crawl” to display there. You could be entertained by baseball, learn about important products and be educated in the myriad of ways that Obama sucks – all at the same time!
Talk about multitasking!
Of course, every three seconds or so a blimp should fly across the screen to remind you that it is time to “grab some Buds.”
A few more ideas:
- Display the position over player’s heads at all time. P for pitcher, C for catcher, 1B for the first baseman, etc. Remember: Fans are idiots.
- On fly balls have a little robot run across the screen and display the odds the fielder will drop the ball.
- Display Lady Gaga videos on the mound during the game, because, oh hell! Where else would she be?
Come on, MLB! Think outside the bun! That reminds me. All the bases should be tacos and home plate should be a chalupa.
Tiger says, “They’re great!”
Eeek! A condom!
Sorry, I just can’t help myself. It’s time for another Tiger post. Already??? Sorry, yeah.
I’m worried about The Tiger. I mean, what will he do to make a living if his endorsements get dumped? I’m worried about him going hungry. And his wife no doubt will lay claim to some of his fortune. They were married in 2004 and the initial prenuptial agreement was worth $20 million after 10 years of marriage. I’m sure all bets are off on that by now, though.
So what will he do if Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Electronic Arts no longer want any part of the Tiger Woods image? Here are some of my ideas:
Condoms – My advice to Tiger: Strike now while the iron is hot. Pick a brand, any brand, and tee off a new television campaign.
Red Bull – This one seems like a no-brainer to me. If I was an executive at Red Bull, right about now I’d be saying, “We be gots to gettin’ us some Tiger. He must already be drinking our stuff. I mean, just look at him go!” The campaign practically writes itself, too. “Red Bull gives you swings!”
Viagra – Another no brainer. If he’s already on it, then it’s a match made in heaven. If he’s not, it can only bring a whole new level to his game. Either way it’s time for “Smiling Bob” to take a hike.
Female Viagra – What the? Is Tiger even attractive? I certainly don’t think so.So what is it about the man that makes him someone the women so desperately want to bag? Oh yeah, he’s on TV a lot and he’s rich. That’s about all it takes, right? Of course, it is kind of hard to be sponsored by money itself. Perhaps Money magazine?
Can you come up with any other sponsorship ideas of your own for Tiger? We may be the only chance he’s got!
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments