Sneaky Meat
Sure, we can live through an occasional vegetarian meal every now and again. But what if they become too frequent? What happens then?
Worry no longer!
Thanks to an amazing breakthrough by Abyss scientists you’ll never have to find out. Introducing the product that hungry carnivores have yearned for since the dawn of time. Sneaky Meat!
Using our patented Meat Miniaturization Molecularization Methods (MMMM) everyday proteins are hydrogenated, dehydrated, folded, spindlatated and mutilated into delicious stealthy particlized food bits. Perfect for sneak attacks on that next vegetarian meal!
Outflank flavor while maintaining robust, juicy mouthfeel with real meat.
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Meat Me in Montana
Hey! What are you doing? Are you checking out my marbling? Well cut that out! I’m not a piece of … well, you get the idea.
Big Bird has been pondering what new career opportunities might present themselves if his funding gets cut. Let’s put it like this: He doesn’t want to end up at Chick-Fil-A.
So, at his urging, it’s time for a post about your friend and mine. This post will explore a few randomized thoughts about meat. Some will be deadly serious and no joking matter. Some will be as frivolous as what you’ve come to expect from the likes of me. Some will be philosophical. And at least one will be a reveal of a personal nature. I hope you’ll find this post to be a cut above the rest.
Does this post have anything to do with Montana? Not really, if you get the cut of my jib.
Make the jump for the first cut-scene.
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Drive Thru Your Face #mcdonalds
McDonald’s has the technology to fuck people via delivery.
It seems self-evident to say this, but you don’t go to McDonald’s for the service. Nor do you go there for great-tasting food. #obvious
Wait a minute. Why the fuck do you go there?
Oh yeah. Now I remember. Because you’re in a hurry and you need to cram something barely edible in your fucking eat hole because you think you’re hungry. (Even though that’s a sensation you’ve never really experienced.) Yeah, it all comes back to me now.
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Pine Near Whoa Man: Vegetarian Cowboy Pizza
When you go vegetarian there is a surprising truth that awaits that takes you totally by surprise: Cheese instantly becomes the most important lover in your life.
No longer do you ask the question, “What’s for dinner?”
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Skewered – The Meat Supremacy
Screw the figgy pudding!
This is a true story. No embellishment. No histrionics.
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair in grandma’s wig
Every great story has meat on a stick. This story is no exception. I love skewers.
Long story short, I’ve known my wife for seven years now. For most of those years we have traveled to her uncle’s for Christmas. The first time there we stayed in a Super 8 motel. Directly across the street was a strip mall with a restaurant excitingly labeled “Kabobs.”
I wanted to go. Bad.
Alas, my wishes were vetoed and quashed by She Who Must Be Obeyed. She said no. I think her exact words were something along the lines of, “We’re here to spend time with family. Not to eat damn kabobs.” Thus, it was decided. We didn’t go.
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Something funny happened on the way to the quesadilla
Every Tuesday, my wife and I meet at a Mexican restaurant for the lunch special. We picked Tuesday because it’s the vegetarian day of the week: cheese suizas. The place is a few blocks from where I work so I hoof it and my baby drives across town.
This week Tuesday didn’t work out. So we decided to go on Wednesday. The lunch special (which is different each day of the week) is chicken quesadillas.
We’re regulars. They know us there. We’ve been doing the Tuesday thing for a year now.
We asked if we could get the lunch special without chicken. “Sure thing,” we were told.
As you might guess, there’s a twist. Or why else would this be a story worthy of the Abyss?
The food arrived and we quickly discern two things. First, the food is cold. The beans, the rice, and the quesadillas, too. All of it. We just shrug. We’re casual and we’re not going to pitch a fit. The second thing is that the portions are noticeably smaller than normal.
Again we just shrugged.
That was one sad little quesadilla, too. It was a tortilla with some cheese in it. That’s it. And no sour cream or guacamole. It was quite likely the most boring thing in the world.
Finally it was time for the bill. We noticed that we’ve been charged 50 cents extra per plate.
Now my eyebrow went up. Holy pollo loco, Batman! I’ve finally had all I can stands and I can’t stands no more. I start asking questions.
“Did the price of the lunch special go up?”
“No, the cook is a stickler for the rules and because you made a substitution we had to charge you for the children’s quesadilla plate.”
Ah. The mystery of the smaller portions is solved. Worse, the waiter flat out lied when he said “no problem” to our simple request. If he would have informed us of their overly rigid rules, we would have likely made different choices. But we weren’t given that option.
“So, let me get this straight. We ask for a lunch special with no chicken and you give us smaller portions and charge us more money?”
The waiter nodded. We like the dude, so I tried to be gentle.
“I’m offended by that.”
His nonverbal response was basically, “go suck a jalapeno.” Now I was getting fiesta. I mean feisty.
“Well, nothing personal, but this just might be a deal breaker. Maybe you’ve seen the last of us.”
He just laughed. Did he think I was joking?
In these hard times, eating lunch out once a week is a luxury, at least for us. You think they’d appreciate our business and would toss their regulars the tiniest little sliver of bone. Guess not. I emailed the owner and she didn’t bother to reply.
I guess they have seen the last of us. The damn mothercluckers.
To fast, tofu-rious
Worst headline evar. I know. If you don’t like it, hit the delete key for our double-your-money-back guarantee.
The other day the boss’s daughter came into work after school, like she does most days. On her walk from school she had stopped at Jack In The Box. She asked me, “Do you want two tacos?”
I didn’t hesitate. “Oh yeah.” I can’t help it. I love those things. And, if memory serves, they’ve been two for 99 cents since the 80’s.
In my cubby at work I eagerly found my packets of taco sauce. I joined her at the table and was just about to rip into one of those suckers when I had a very disturbing thought.
“Wait a minute. These damn things aren’t vegetarian.” Aw, shit.
Oh moment of joy had once again turned to dispair in 6.5 seconds. I’m nothing if not consistent.
So I reluctantly handed the tacos to my boss who made short work of them by reenacting a scene from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. (Look away!)
The episode left me shaken but curious. What is vegetarian on the Jack In The Box menu? An internet search revealed stuff like hamburger bun (how un-citing), curly fries, potato wedges, and salad.
But wait? What’s this? Something about the tacos being vegetarian, too? Swoooon!
One website I found claimed the tacos contained soy and no meat. Could it possibly be true? Here’s a hint: No.
A search for the phrase “jack in the box tacos vegetarian” turns 112,000 results. According to one:
There is a widespread rumor in the vegetarian community that the famous tacos at Jack in the Box are not filled with meat but rather soy imitation meat and thus are a good vegetarian option. This is not true, the beef filling in the tacos are a mixture of both soy and beef. (Source: Examiner.com)
Denied by the universe. Again!
Still, it got me to thinking. What isn’t there any fast food in the known universe featuring tofu rather than meat? I bet the geniuses at McDonalds, Burger King and Jack In The Box could think of something. So why haven’t they?
Why does it always have to be about the meat?
To me this seems like a huge opportunity in the world fast food tofu for some forward thinker. The internet is sure abuzz about vegetarian choices at food food restaurants. Someone should cash in on that.
It’s true, Taco Bell tried with their alleged “ground beef” but, alas, it still contained 35 percent meat. Their scientists need to get back in the test kitchen and lower than number. There is simply no excuse for that amount of meat being in there!
Get your tofu on! I already know what I’ll call my chain of restaurants, too. Tofu Mofo.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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