The 49th State of Reality Awareness Part Two
Alaska. A land so vast that it turns out that it is big enough for the both of us. Our crack team of Discovery engineers has been hard at work calculating that 42 reality-based TV shows about this majestic and fascinating land just isn’t good enough. Not by a damn sight.
We’re gonna blow the lid off yet another story that needs to be told.
Thus, we are splittin’ a seam to unveil our latest bit of creative genius that fully explores every nook and cranny of America’s last frontier in a way the lower 48 has never quite seen before. Alaska State Poopers.
Like a Palin hoppin’ in a chopper fully-loaded for bear we are about to seriously unload, to pull back the lid as it were, on the brave men and women who patrol a wilderness so remote and vast it’s almost inconceivable someone built an outhouse there. Where there’s a will there’s a way. But someone’s still got to clean that shit up.
From tundra to toilet, when the job is just too dirty for anyone else, Alaska Sanitation Team (AST) stands vigilant and at the ready. Enough talk! Let’s plunge right in!
Pilot: S1E1 – “Watch Out For The Cornhole, Bud”
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That Really Gets My Vote
This post is directed at Romney voters. Obama voters may leave the room. Go form up into a control group if that floats your boat. I don’t really care what you do. You just can’t be here.
We’re about embark on some science.
Today I have a series of questions for you in the name of political science. I appreciate your participation and sincere responses to this test battery. Don’t worry. The questions will be brief, are multiple choice, and you don’t have to explain your answers. Also, the battery is grounded so there is no risk of electrocution. This isn’t one of those science experiments.
Q. Imagine it is November 2012 and the following are your choices on the ballot for President of the United States. Using a ballpoint pen or pencil, indicate which of the choices would get your vote.
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The Two Days of Christmas
What Boss Is This?
Which is the reason for the season? Business or Christmas? Or, perhaps, the business of Christmas? It can get complicated. And it depends on many factors.
Of course, if your boss is Scrooge, you can pretty well guess how it’s all going to go down, right? Suddenly it’s all too simple.
My last two bosses have a lot in common. No need to rehash the whole thing. In short, they both love to eat money, they both are in retail, and they both have fake Photoshopped pictures of their business on their websites. They both consider themselves to be virtuous paragons of Christianity, too.
And they both hate to shut down for any holiday.
The day after Thanksgiving? No brainer. We’re open, of course. They’ll reluctantly shut down for the big day, but that’s it. Go on. Take the time with your family. Enjoy the day. Just don’t try to travel anywhere. Feel free to visit all of the relatives you want as long as they live in the same town.
Wow. How thoughtful.
Of course, we all know that day is called Black Friday. Even for a tiny little operation, that’s a day devoted to the unbridled lust for money.
It’s about the same for Christmas, too. Thanks to my bosses I have some precious memories of Christmas:
- Two bags of cat food, a container of kitty litter and a bottle of Pine Sol. (The Christmas Bonus song.)
- Another trip to WalMart with a Christmas “bonus.”
- Last, but certainly not least, the time my previous boss wanted me to attend his party on Christmas Eve. I declined, saying I had family coming into town. (The truth.) He told me I wouldn’t get my yearly bonus if I didn’t attend. Classy tidings of comfort and joy!
As an atheist, Christmas is a very important time of the year to me. It represents the holy grail of the most precious gift of all. Time away from my job!
Christmas and the Calendar
What’s the best possible scenario for Christmas scheduling? I think it’s when Christmas Eve falls on a Thursday and Christmas Day falls on a Friday. If you have a half-way decent boss, you just got yourself a four-day weekend! Even if your boss is a dick you still get a three-day weekend.
What’s the worst possible scenario? Have you looked ahead to December in 2011 yet? Take a look. Read ’em and weep.
Yep. This year we are facing Christmasaggedon. That’s Christmas Eve on a Saturday and Christmas Day on a Sunday. That’s absolutely the worst possible Christmas scheduling that mankind has yet devised.
If you have a greed-based boss, he’ll have an evil twinkle in his eye, rub his hands together, and exclaim, “God bless profits, every one! No extra days off for Christmas this year!”
Naturally us grunts assumed he’d at least make it a three-day weekend, even though days off are unpaid. (It’s well worth it.) No such luck.
Luckily, however, I anticipated all of this, and I thought to look ahead before my coworker thought of it. Days off request, baby. I took Friday and Monday off. He approved the request then talked about it in the office. Oops. Now the coworker knows. Too bad, so sad!
Sweet four-day Christmas weekend bliss.
Thank you, Father Christmas, that I had the foresight to plan ahead! At least someone is looking out for me. (Yeah, me, myself and I. We discussed this during our last meeting.)
Merry Christmas to me!
Behind The Tweets: #SwitchTwoWordsInLyrics
It’s time for another fantastical episode of “Behind The Tweets.” Be careful not to step in anything.
Deep inside your hole there’s a soul you don’t wanna see. #SwitchTwoWordsInLyrics
—As seen on Twitter
This New Year’s I hatched some lofty goals. One resolution was to memorize the words to every Elvis Presley song ever recorded. By lucky coincidence, I’m already part of the way there. Another was to invent a 27th letter of the English alphabet. I think that would blow the lid off the grammar world quite swimmingly.
And, last but not least, I wanted to invent my very own “hash tag.” Thanks to a lyrical fuck up while singing in the shower, I may have just gotten my wish. I guess it’s time to notch another achievement in my over-growing belt!
What the bloody hell is a “hash tag?” I wish I knew. It would make inventing one so much easier!
Short messages on services such as Twitter may be tagged by including one or more hash tags: words or phrases prefixed with a hash symbol (#), with multiple words concatenated.
My generous contribution to the hash tag genre is #SwitchTwoWordsInLyrics. Simply put, all this means is to tweet a short snippet of song lyrics (perhaps a line or two) and do nothing except switch two words (and only two words) to give the lyrics a new twist.
As you can see in my tweet above, I applied this idea to the opening line in the song (Can’t Get My) Head Around You by The Offspring. I have to admit, I really liked the word “hole” in that context. It’s just gaping with mystery and drama.
I have just slapped your face with my proverbial blogging gloves. Will you accept the challenge to come up with an example of #SwitchTwoWordsInLyrics of your own? Or will you laugh in the face of this challenge and respond by continuing to post interesting things? (The chicken’s way out.)
I’ll be watching the hash tag stream with baited breath to see what you can come up with.
Don’t give up too quickly. It’s harder than it looks. I think I just got damn lucky on my first attempt. Good luck!
To get you in the mood, here is one rockin’ little ditty.