Two Jokes Walk Into A Bar #barjokes
Two jokes walk into a bar and get hit in the face. #punchline
Yeah, I just wrote that one. Right now. Real time.
So I thought it would be a fun and cheap blog post idea to find some of the bar jokes I’ve written on the Twitter. Bad idea. It turned out to be a lot more work than I thought!
Someone should buy me a drink!
I write all my own jokes except the ones I steal. I wrote all of the following. Any resemblance to other bar jokes is damn shitty.
Enjoy!
Two hadron colliders walk out of a bar and say, “Let’s meet up later.”
I walked into a #Portland bar and a #hipster projected #identity all over me.
Two empty calendars walk into a bar and say, “We’re just here to get some dates.”
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Embedded: Twitter puts outage
Hide and seek. Did I scare you?
Earlier this week, Twitter went down. It went down hard. It was scary. I know because I was there. I now officially have the PTSD. At last, I’m finally somebody.
The duration of the outage was about 45 minutes. That’s approximately twice the amount of time Apollo 13 spent out of radio contact when it was behind the moon. I just got a double dose of what it must have felt like to be in Mission Control. And I’m a non-smoker!
It was the longest outage since Twitter’s IPO and the second crash in the last nine days.
The outage was described in the strongest possible terms as the “longest outage since the IPO.” What those two things have to do with each other I have absolutely no idea.
Some in the media took the opportunity to write quippish jokes about the mayhem. (Hint: It was too soon.) Jokes, I must say, that practically wrote themselves.
- “Twitter Suffers Outage During Biz Stone’s Panel at SXSW” – I don’t know what a “Biz Stone” is but I bet it was pissed. Source: WSJ.
- “Twitter Outage Takes Site Down for 45 Minutes, Users Stranded” – I bet a lot of them were forced to hitchhike. Source: Newsmax.com.
- “Twitter goes down, chaos and productivity ensue” – What the fuck are you implying? Source: Washington Post.
- “‘We Experienced Unexpected Complications’: The Language Of Twitter Outages” – Hey, that’s the hip new lingo. Source: Lifehacker Australia.
- “Twitter Goes Down: Something is Technically Wrong” – You have a firm grasp of the obvious. Souce: The Next Web.
- “Twitter Briefly Goes Down, Silencing Millions Of Horrible, Unnecessary Twitter Jokes” – That hurts, that really hurts. Source: Huffington Post.
Again, as your intrepid embedded reporter, I was there on the front lines. What follows are my eyewitness firsthand accounts of the action as it unfolded.
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My Top Tweets of 2013
I found an aggregator that compiled my “best” tweets of 2013 as calculated based on quantity of interactions. Quantity, not quality. Yes, these are the crème de la crème, the coup de disgrâce if you will. If you boiled my tweets from 2013 this batch represents the skim, that thin layer on top that would have normally been scooped out.
It’s somewhat interesting that all of my top tweets top place in October, November and December. That’s obviously because I was pacing myself. Yeah, right. I’ve been doing twitter for about 3.96 years and only last October did anyone notice. That’s just perfect.
Here there are, the top 10 least sucky tweets as determined by a computer.
- Dec 8 – Why do you hate me? And use your big words this time.
- Nov 14 – I know, for security reasons, I shouldn’t reveal my destination ahead of time, but what the hell! I’m going to the movies.
- Oct 30 – Yeah, because if there is one thing the Walton heirs truly understand, it is personal achievement. @LibertyBelleJ
- Nov 26 – Birth control on your health plan doesn’t violate your religious views unless you use it.
- Oct 23 – We need to find some way to take the focus on winning out of politics. Win culture is ultimately destructive. @LibertyBelleJ
- Nov 24 – Tell your friends about me. That’s how this social media shit works, asshole.
- Nov 28 – Let us also ban coverage for circumcisions and injuries resulting from beatings, fasting and faith-based healing. @LibertyBelleJ #parenting
- Dec 19 – Too many websites are crashing and freezing @googlechrome for interminable periods of time. Going back to @firefox as my primary browser.
- Dec 19 – Perhaps there’s a benefit to making gun ownership for criminals as difficult as possible. @NeoConAtheist @Paula68154 @shemararae @Birdseye1
- Dec 11 – School officials are “taking a lot of heat” for canceling classes due to cold weather. That is so punny! #journalism
Tweetography
During my illustrious Twitter career there have been some recurring motifs. If I was George Lucas I’d likely call them “notes.” Like my Twitter is some kind of minuet or something.
Pshaw!
The self-memes include things like Tombstone Authoring, Demotivational Dictionary, Bucket List and so much more. You, of course, won’t have any clue since you ignore my Twitter which is where the vast majority of my comedic goodness goes to die. And deservedly so.
The notes I’ve decided to share today deal with my “Autobiography” meme. And midi-chlorians. Lots and lots of midi-chlorians.
I am the chosen the one. The one who will bring unbalance to the farce.
Without further ado, bring on the notes!
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Lazy tweeting on a Sunday Afternoon: The Hunger Games Edition #thg
Just a few select tweets about some new movie called The Hunger Games. Some funny and some sad.
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In Praise of Praise (reblog)
My live tweet coverage of the Oscars:
https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173942427688779776
Personally I think they could have mentioned the number “84” a few more times. Lost opportunity here.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173947440947396610
Just a few minutes in and I already wanted to kill myself because I scored perfect zeros on success, beauty and fame. The Oscars were underway!https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173947803461091329
He didn’t bring his A game. And I couldn’t hear him during his song. The music was way too loud and his mic was way too low. Perhaps they should have rehearsed before going live.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173951661184786432
I wonder how much Nasonex paid for the shot.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173952075179364353
I’ve heard a lot about The Help, mainly that the movie changed too much from the book, but I didn’t know anything about a poop pie. Count me in!https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173952184810086400
I have nothing negative to say about her. She’s incredible.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173952450225635328
Ah. Bring on the nipple slip controversy. Some TV stations are doing the blur thing. Idiots. I raised my Slippery Nipple and toasted her dress (or lack thereof) and cursed the existence of “wardrobe tape.”https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173954531854532610
Real human emotion. Oh shit. It’s affecting me. Next!https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173957872496017409
Hugo! No, you go. Please. Why don’t you both go? In your Yugo.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173958792445308928
Diet Coke aimed for cheese and succeeded brilliantly. As in, “I just threw up in my Diet Coke.” Ellen, however, was the bomb. Her commercial actually made me miss regular TV.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173962707609976833
All night long, only when the Oscars were on (and not during commercials) there was something wrong with the audio. Some sort of weird background or feedback effect. My wife described it as honking. Whatever it was, I think they did the best thing possible by not making any attempts to fix it. It was probably a subliminal track instructing us all to think that Martin Scorsese is somehow cute.After that I became very disinterested and didn’t tweet again.
Sally Field’s “You like me!” Academy Award Acceptance Speech for “Places in the Heart.”
Tonight is the 84th annual Academy Award (Oscar) show. I’ve only seen one of the main movies up for an award, so I don’t know how interested I’ll be in watching, but the Oscar show brought to mind Sally Field’s acceptance speech when she said, “You like me.” I watched the broadcast when Sally Field made this acceptance speech, and I did see the movie, “Places in the Heart,” which brings me to the point of this post, which is not about the movies but about being acknowledged. Most of us want to be liked or approved of in some way. Strangely, many people also seem to be very stingy with praise, even when it’s warranted. Millions of words have been written about how easily we toss around compliments so much that the praise is…
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