Tag Archives: top 10

The 10 Tweets You Should Never Read Before You Die

A recent smattering of my with and pit…

Short and sweet.

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My Top Tweets of 2013

I found an aggregator that compiled my “best” tweets of 2013 as calculated based on quantity of interactions. Quantity, not quality. Yes, these are the crème de la crème, the coup de disgrâce if you will. If you boiled my tweets from 2013 this batch represents the skim, that thin layer on top that would have normally been scooped out.

It’s somewhat interesting that all of my top tweets top place in October, November and December. That’s obviously because I was pacing myself. Yeah, right. I’ve been doing twitter for about 3.96 years and only last October did anyone notice. That’s just perfect.

Here there are, the top 10 least sucky tweets as determined by a computer.

  1. Dec 8 – Why do you hate me? And use your big words this time.
  2. Nov 14 – I know, for security reasons, I shouldn’t reveal my destination ahead of time, but what the hell! I’m going to the movies.
  3. Oct 30 – Yeah, because if there is one thing the Walton heirs truly understand, it is personal achievement. @LibertyBelleJ
  4. Nov 26 – Birth control on your health plan doesn’t violate your religious views unless you use it.
  5. Oct 23 – We need to find some way to take the focus on winning out of politics. Win culture is ultimately destructive. @LibertyBelleJ
  6. Nov 24 – Tell your friends about me. That’s how this social media shit works, asshole.
  7. Nov 28 – Let us also ban coverage for circumcisions and injuries resulting from beatings, fasting and faith-based healing. @LibertyBelleJ #parenting
  8. Dec 19 – Too many websites are crashing and freezing @googlechrome for interminable periods of time. Going back to @firefox as my primary browser.
  9. Dec 19 – Perhaps there’s a benefit to making gun ownership for criminals as difficult as possible. @NeoConAtheist @Paula68154 @shemararae @Birdseye1
  10. Dec 11 – School officials are “taking a lot of heat” for canceling classes due to cold weather. That is so punny! #journalism

Top Ten Things You Need To Know About Top 10 Lists

top-ten-listAll the way from the home office in Boring, Oregon, comes tonight’s top ten list. You clicked here. You deserve this shit.

Beware anyone who comes at you with a Top 10 list. They are out to get you.

Top Ten Things You Need To Know About Top 10 Lists

10. If they build it you will come. The assumption is being made that when your brain sees “Top 10” you’ll click the link faster than a monkey pounding a button for a banana. Because, mmm, banana!

9. Fast acting. They know you have the attention span of a gnat on Heisenberg’s Blue Sky meth. Wait. What?

8. Unefficiency. Forcing content into a rigid format isn’t necessarily the best way to communicate information and ideas. It’s one of those “square peg – round hole” kind of dealios.
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Top 10 Great Moments of Rob Corddry in Cinema and Film List

Congratulations discerning reader for clicking through to this post. Of all the flotsam on the sea of the internet you allowed this particular missive to penetrate your filter bubble. You obviously have impeccable taste, like me, which is why the name “Rob Corddry” catches your eye.
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Top 10 things to do during a Twitter outage

What? I can't hear you! Something about fail and a whale?

Have you prepared your Twitter Disaster Response Kit yet? Hint: When Twitter is down, that might be a good time to think about it. Suddenly you’re going to have plenty of free time. Not that you’ll be able to microblog the experience.

Okay, first things first. Twitter is down. Maybe you get the legendary “fail whale.” Maybe it just sits there and just sits*. (Trust me. It’s not thinking.) Maybe the little circular “wait” icon keeps spinning and spinning to let you know it’s doing something. I tried to out-wait the icon but gave up after a quarter hour, thus burning any shot I ever had at my 15-minutes of fame.

If you merely get a blank screen, try to refrain from punching your monitor. That won’t help anyone.

Twitter is down. The first thing to remember is: Stay the fuck calm!!!!!! Do not bludgeon the heads of passerby unless absolutely necessary.
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10 blog writing tips to ignore

A visual representation of a typical shout from the Abyss

I recently had a brutality visit me regarding my blog.

While signing up for podcast hosting, I was asked to categorize my blog. This is when I realized, “Gee. I must be weird.” When something is that hard to define, you just might have a problem on your hands.

Politics? No, even though I occasionally tackle that topic.

Education? Maybe to some small degree. Guru advice on negativity and the gerbil studies institute (G.R.I.P.E.) might count. (Admittedly that’s quite a stretch.)

Philosophy? Science? Religion? Recipes? Babies? Cats? It seems I’ve dabbled all over the place. Am I just scatterbrained?

Turning to my “tag cloud” for inspiration I realized my #1 all-time tag is “poop.” But I didn’t see a category for that. How could anyone leave “poop” off a list of blog categories? Unconscionable!

Since my blog hops around more than a Mexican jumping bean, this left me in a quicksand of quandary. That simple question about “categorization” had forced me to come face to face some some grim demons.

Bottom line? I had to go with a branch of “Entertainment.” More specifically, “Comedy.” If I’m brutally honest with myself that’s really the only thing that fits, all things considered.

Blog Gladiator

Are you not entertained?!?!?

So yeah, when it comes to my blog, I’m an … entertainer. Note: That is decidedly not that same as saying anyone who ever reads this blog is “entertained.” Those are two wildly different things!

So I selected “Comedy” from the drop down list and saved my entry.

But that’s not all. Then I came across one of those “list” posts. You know the type? Where they garishly entice you in with the sparkly promise of “top ten” of this or the “six ways” to improve that?

Blah blah blah.

Lists are popular. Lists attract readers. Magazines and newsstands know this. Next time you see some magazines look for this phenomenon. See anything like this? “The top 10 ways Bennifer conspired with TomKat behind Brangelina’s back.”

Yes, don’t overlook the fact I’m doing the very same thing in this post. Meh. Don’t be angry at me. You’re the one who fell for it!

Anywho, the list I came across was something like “Top Blogging Tips” and as I read those tips, a familiar sinking feeling began to engulf me.

Me and my blog violated all of them.

Wow. That’s some talent! Without further ado here are some of the promised 10 ways I suck:

  • “Cultivate Good Writing.” Ha! Nuff said. Let’s move on.
  • “Don’t write about yourself.” Ooops!
  • “Try not to whine or complain too much.” Actually, here I think I do okay. I can’t stand complaining. That’s probably the one area of my life where I show the most restraint, don’t ya think?

The other seven examples were cut by my editor prior to publication. Unfortunately our headline writer was not informed.

So, I don’t know. Personally I think wallowing in filth, despair and self-pity makes for compelling blogging, but that’s just me. I’m open-minded enough to realize not everyone may agree.

Guest Blog: Raising the ego bar – a year in review

To help get into the spirit of the New Year celebrations, I asked Mrs. Abyss to highlight a few of her favorite blog posts of mine from 2010. You know, one of those ubiquitous “Year in Review” type of deals. This is what she came up with…

Mr. Abyss must really love me. He actually entrusted me to choose my favorite Abyss blog posts of 2010. Me! His harshest critic and fierce foe of his negativity bull crap. The task was actually much harder then I had imagined. I figured there may be one, possibly two posts I would ever consider worthy of additional praise; however I ended up with well over 30 Abyss-mal rantings that made me really laugh. It was tough, but I narrowed it down to 15.

#1. My favorite rantings are about gerbils. I personally think Abyss could start a blog strictly based on gerbil activity and FENS. As angry as I get about my son and his son, Tom’s take on our kids helps me to heal. If you are new to Abyss’s gerbil posts, I urge to search them out. They are funny, informative and terribly accurate. If you have your own gerbil at home and suffer from FENS, you are not alone!

Post: Something gerbil this way comes

#2. Ah, here is a classic! Abyss is always searching for a way to feel superior to every other human on Earth and his search is over. He did drop his status some by later giving up vegetarianism. Guess he’s not as quite as perfect as he thought?!

Post: Intelligence is a beach

#3. Tom told me to choose my favorite posts from his blog and I certainly picked this one right. His mistake in asking me to do this? He didn’t say the post had to be written by himself. Here’s one of my favs written by me! Why is it my favorite? Because it’s an accurate representation of one of my favorite people in the whole world… Mr. Abyss.

Post: Ode to Mr. Abyss

#4. I’m not much for Tom’s posts about his work woes. I hate whiny, poor me, my life is so pathetic rantings, however, I love this one because I can relate to it. Sadly, I think most of us can. Most bosses are A-1 assholes. Of all the asshole bosses I have ever had, none can compare to the one Tom had up until recently. This guy was not only a horrible excuse for a human, a loathsome liar and master manipulator; he was a also a world class fake Christian to the core.

Post: How to destroy your employees

#5. Simply one of Tom’s best creations!

Post: Hyppo and Critter – Inventions

#6. I was a vegetarian before Tom posted this, however it really helped confirm that I made the right decision. A co-worker of mine refuses to eat anything with a beak. “I only eat beef, chickens and other winged birds that eat off the ground, and it’s totally disgusting.” Guess what honey? Cows go cluck!

Post: Chicken Litter says the sky is falling

#7. This one just made me giggle.

Post: Someone’s knocking at the door

#8. What’s worse then a human dressed as a mattress? A tweaker dressed as the Statue of Liberty holding a sign for a tax business that just fell off his skateboard that rolled into a lane of traffic. Yes, I’ve seen that.

Post: Human spam at home and on the road

#9. I know, too much gerbil jargon, but this mystery is still unsolved!

Post: The Adventure of the Raspberry Bar

#10. I once worked for an orthopedic surgeon. A small bathroom was attached to our break room and it had extremely thin walls. Said surgeon would waltz into the bathroom, do his biz and walk right out. We could hear everything; from the zip of his zipper to a guess of what he had for dinner the previous night. Every single time there was one thing we NEVER heard… the sound of the surgeon washing his hands.

Post: Employees must pretend to wash hands

#11. Poop. Need I say anything more?

Post: Breaking the poop barrier

#12. Pretty sure there’s some law somewhere that says if a marriage is not consummated on the wedding night, the union is null and void. 48 hours of hiccups equals, well, no consummating. Finally a way out!!!!

Post: Five-year marriage hiatus

#13. My all time favorite. If you really want to delve into Abyss’s mind, it’s all spelled out here.

Post: Shout Abyss on America’s Got Talent

#14. The best day of my life; Tom finally saying, “Fair thee well and fuck off you fucking fuckers.”

Post: So Long, and Thanks for All the Pish

#15. Dear Charter, I was going to drop off our cable box today but I forgot that I have to have a valid driver’s license so that you can confirm I am me and that I am there to discuss my own account, you know, the one that I pay you for. Since your pathetic puss bag of an employee talked me into setting up an account with a fake name, I can’t do that now. It’s ok though. I have called your puss bag employee to come pick it up himself. Charter…. fuck you asshole.

Post: Roku – A New Hope