How To Be Livid
I will feast on your soul.
Prattling on about this nonsense and that is all well and good, but the time has come to put lofty ideas into action. It’s time to be livid.
Pro Tip: You may want to keep some napkins handy just in case veins on your forehead pop.
Sometimes life will lope up on you from behind and give you ample reasons to be angry. Sometimes (although I can’t imagine why) you aren’t even in the mood to be angry yet life will foist itself upon you regardless. It will literally force you to be livid against your will.
True, those are sublime experiences, but they do tend to be rather random and when the chips are down, you really can’t count them.
So, what to do? Take matters into your own hands, of course! With my tried and true techniques, and a bit of practice, so you’ll soon be livid with the best of them, as often as you want and when you need it the most.
Sound too good to be true? It probably is. See? I can feel it working already!
Continue reading →
Beat The Heat: Abyss Tips
Looks like I picked a bad time to move to a house without air conditioning. My delicate skin is taking a beating. So, without further ado, I give you my new series entitled Abyss Beat The Heat Tips.
With God as my witness I swear to you I will come up with a tip a day as long as this planet feels uncomfortable.
Your feedback is important so let me know if you find any of these tips helpful. That would be hot.
WSJ Asshole Hotline
I love having a brain that is capable of critical thought. Every once in a while a little moment comes along where it kicks in and I’m actually proud of myself. Don’t worry, these moments pass quickly and are soon forgotten.
They say, “Don’t believe everything you read.” Or, “I know it’s true ’cause I saw it on TV.” We all like to act like those truisms don’t apply to us. Only those other lemming idiots. Never us. Yet we fall for it all day long. True moments of “question everything” are few and far between.
I was on my break. In front of me was the day’s Wall Street Journal. Naturally, since he’s a primetime asshole, it’s one of the boss’ favorite publications. You can tell by the level of crumplage and how the pages are strewn about which pages have been read and which ones haven’t. He typically digests the thing in several sittings.
There, on the front of a section he hadn’t gotten to yet I saw the headline, “How To Be A Better Boss in 2013.”
Uh oh. I better check this out, I thought. If it’s really bad I can throw it away and he’ll never know the difference. The last thing I need in my life is the fucking WSJ filling my boss’ already tainted mind with even more evil.
I picked it up and started to read.
“Holy mother of God.”
This Is The One Where I Save Your Life
Me vs. car? I like those odds!
After three years of daily posting I was recently honored by WordPress who featured my article about China on their Freshly Pressed page. As a result of that freak accident I picked up a few new friends as subscribers. Welcome! I’m a Fresh Maker.
For all my friends, both freshly new and old/busted, today I will reveal arcane knowledge that will, if heeded, save your life. I can single-handedly make you remain a viable member of the elite group known as “still alive.”
Interested? Read on! And unlike some people, after I’ve saved your life my demands on your servitude will barely be noticeable. You won’t even know I’m here.
Continue reading →
How to Blog
It was Saturday morning and I had a blog post to pump out lest my streak towards 1,000 days of continuous blogging fell into jeopardy. Yes, it was Saturday, but there was little time for blogging. Chores were waiting.
Luckily, for once in my my life, I already had an idea percolating in my head. I knew exactly what I wanted to write about. This shouldn’t take long, I thought to myself, right before everything went straight to Hell.
Continue reading →
How Pandora can help you write your blog
I’m looking at a blank space on my computer screen and my mind is equally blank.
Oh noes! Writer’s block!
Like most days, I woke up with oodles of enthusiasm and lots of blog post ideas dancing in my head. I rushed to my office and sat down and the words magically flowed from my fingertips and into the computer, which, during the process, became an extension of my stream of consciousness.
Voila! In no time at all a blog post was born.
Too bad I can’t use it. It sets a new low, even for me. Personally I love it. But then this awareness washed over me like a tsunami of failure. The post is simply too pathetic, even for this POS blog.
Fuck!
Back to the drawing board, I guess. And that’s when it happened. The blank screen consumed me. It seems I have no more ideas left in me for today. Guru powers can be draining. I got nothing. Nothing times infinity. Plus one. And then some. With motherfucking sprinkles on top.
I’ve had an idea for some time for helping me through rough spots as a writer. It involves Pandora, the personalized internet radio service.
My idea works like this:
- Load Pandora
- Pick one of your existing stations based on your mood
- From the first song that comes up, divine inspiration
- Go!
Inspiration can take the form of a word, idea or feeling that the song evokes.
That’s it. That’s the gist of an idea I came up with to help me think of something to blog about. It’s not exactly rocket science, eh? Because I got stuck this morning, I decided to give it the old college try.
Station: Theory of a Deadman
Yeah, my mood isn’t exactly the best. In fact, I’ve been sitting here literally wondering if I’m insane. I’ve been thinking I need some sort of treatment. So I picked the rock band Theory of a Deadman to suit my mood.
I was very curious to see what song would come up. From where would inspiration spring? This is a lot like holding a question in your head, picking up a book and opening to a page at random.
Song: Lowlife
Perfect! That’s just perfect! I just painted myself into a corner! Fail. Woots.
I won’t say what that other post was about – the wife would kill me – but here’s a wee hint:
10 blog writing tips to ignore
A visual representation of a typical shout from the Abyss
I recently had a brutality visit me regarding my blog.
While signing up for podcast hosting, I was asked to categorize my blog. This is when I realized, “Gee. I must be weird.” When something is that hard to define, you just might have a problem on your hands.
Politics? No, even though I occasionally tackle that topic.
Education? Maybe to some small degree. Guru advice on negativity and the gerbil studies institute (G.R.I.P.E.) might count. (Admittedly that’s quite a stretch.)
Philosophy? Science? Religion? Recipes? Babies? Cats? It seems I’ve dabbled all over the place. Am I just scatterbrained?
Turning to my “tag cloud” for inspiration I realized my #1 all-time tag is “poop.” But I didn’t see a category for that. How could anyone leave “poop” off a list of blog categories? Unconscionable!
Since my blog hops around more than a Mexican jumping bean, this left me in a quicksand of quandary. That simple question about “categorization” had forced me to come face to face some some grim demons.
Bottom line? I had to go with a branch of “Entertainment.” More specifically, “Comedy.” If I’m brutally honest with myself that’s really the only thing that fits, all things considered.
Are you not entertained?!?!?
So yeah, when it comes to my blog, I’m an … entertainer. Note: That is decidedly not that same as saying anyone who ever reads this blog is “entertained.” Those are two wildly different things!
So I selected “Comedy” from the drop down list and saved my entry.
But that’s not all. Then I came across one of those “list” posts. You know the type? Where they garishly entice you in with the sparkly promise of “top ten” of this or the “six ways” to improve that?
Blah blah blah.
Lists are popular. Lists attract readers. Magazines and newsstands know this. Next time you see some magazines look for this phenomenon. See anything like this? “The top 10 ways Bennifer conspired with TomKat behind Brangelina’s back.”
Yes, don’t overlook the fact I’m doing the very same thing in this post. Meh. Don’t be angry at me. You’re the one who fell for it!
Anywho, the list I came across was something like “Top Blogging Tips” and as I read those tips, a familiar sinking feeling began to engulf me.
Me and my blog violated all of them.
Wow. That’s some talent! Without further ado here are some of the promised 10 ways I suck:
- “Cultivate Good Writing.” Ha! Nuff said. Let’s move on.
- “Don’t write about yourself.” Ooops!
- “Try not to whine or complain too much.” Actually, here I think I do okay. I can’t stand complaining. That’s probably the one area of my life where I show the most restraint, don’t ya think?
The other seven examples were cut by my editor prior to publication. Unfortunately our headline writer was not informed.
So, I don’t know. Personally I think wallowing in filth, despair and self-pity makes for compelling blogging, but that’s just me. I’m open-minded enough to realize not everyone may agree.
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments