Oh there’s a Tiger gettin’ tail it’s plain to see!
It costs a lot when he’s playin’ through the green
Well he just can’t wait like a shopper at a sale
Looks like The Tiger is gettin’ lots of tail
Look. I’ll be honest with you. I know exactly how Lindsey Vonn feels. I’ve also been medevaced via a snowmobile off a snow-covered mountain after a heart wrenching ski crash. I’m assuming that’s what it feels like to know Tiger Woods.
Today we pay tribute to our long-time bloggy friend, the sport of golf, and, of course, the concept of winning.
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A Very Penis Christmas
Advisory: This post contains the werd “penis.” We suggest you keep this out of your inbox.
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And I know it sounds corny
But famous white celebrities
And Tiger! – were feeling quite horny
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Golf ha ha ha
Before we begin, I have to ask: How do you think my headline writing skills are coming along? 🙂
I have no issues with golf, other than it’s boring and it’s a sport. (More on the latter coming soon.)
So today we have a news report regarding two douchebags (golfer Corey Pavin and reporter Jim Gray) arguing about a third douchebag (whoring phenom Tiger Woods). And, get this, their fight is about a fucking game. Not just any game but one where you hit a little ball with a stick and try to get that ball into a little hole.
Pay attention! We’re talking about important shit here, people!
Seriously I don’t know if any of them are douchebags. I don’t know these men personally. I’m taking a little artistic license here based solely on behavior. They all just might be wonderful human beings. (Somehow I doubt it.)
So which one is the liar? Without being there it’s hard to say. It’s one of those douche-said douche-said type of situations.
That’s pretty much all I have to say about this topic. Read the link to the story if you still crave additional details. As always I’m simply performing my function of providing a breath of fresh aire and giving important news items of the day much needed context.
TMZ reports $100 million in Woods divorce
It is being reported by TMZ that Elin Nordegren’s divorce settlement with Tiger Woods is worth approx. $100 million.
It’s not exactly the $750 million that had been previously rumored, but what the hey. The equivelant of winning Survivor 100 times isn’t too shabby. Nordegren will also reportedly receive additional funds in child support.
I know being married to him had to be icky and all, but seriously. $100 million? That’s a lot of money. Hell, I’d let him have his way with me for less than half that.
So, who will be the next lucky woman to take a ride on the Woods gravy train? Time will tell.
Nike shows love for Tiger Woods
You have to give it up for Nike. I think they must be the biggest corporate supporter of Tiger Woods. Other companies may have took the high road of morality and common sense, but Nike’s lust for money seems equal to Tiger’s lust for slutty tail. “Just Do It” apparently has nothing to do with morals.
Nike even recently released a new commercial starting Tiger Woods. It is in black and white and features Tiger, apparently on the verge of tears, staring into the camera while a voice over of his dead father’s voice goes on about things like “I want to find out what your thinking was” and “Did you learn anything?” Wow. Earl Woods died in 2006 but Nike feels this is a way to promote their brand and support for Tiger?
Creepy. Just like Nike’s continued support of Tiger.
In my mind, the big question of the day is why does Nike continue to embrace the values of Tiger Woods? I can only think of two possible answers. First, they share those values. And secondly, Tiger Woods makes them money. For corporations like Nike, money trumps morality. It’s not called the “bottom line” for nothing.
I went to Nike.com and took a quick look around. A search of their site for “Tiger Woods” reveals 39 products. Ah. That represents a substantial investment in a brand and that investment must be supported at all costs. The products range from shirts (you too can look like Tiger while you hit a little ball with a stick) to pants and shorts to umbrellas to belts (good for choking women?) to baseball caps to hat clip and ball markers and yes, even shoes.
Nike released a statement about their newest Woods commercial:
We support Tiger and his family. As he returns to competitive golf, the ad addresses his time away from the game using the powerful words of his father.
Supporting Tiger we already know only too well. But his “family?” Jeez, Nike, you’ve got balls. Tiger’s cheating potentially risked the life of his wife who could have been exposed to deadly diseases picked up during his sexploits. For that alone I personally think Tiger should be charged with a crime. I bet Tiger’s wife feels quite happy to learn that Nike “supports” her, too.
Nike does not support my values. I will not just do it. I will not support Nike in any way, shape, or form. And that goes also for Tiger. Apparently he’s back out hitting a little ball with a stick. How unciting.
Quoth the Tiger, “Nevermore!”
We pause today for a reading from the Book of Tiger:
“God girl. You better want to take care of me… I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you… Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore… Hold you down while I choke you.”
The above is a portion of text messages that are allegedly attributed to Tiger Woods and released by Joslyn James, one of his mistresses. (As reported by The New York Post.)
I apologize for dirtying and cheapening your computer screen. That’s my job.
By the way, the subject line is a reference to a little known literary masterpiece by E.A. Ho:
“Horny, firm, and salacious Tiger, wandering from his Nightly whore,– Tell me what thy wifely name is on the marital shore! Quoth the Tiger “Nevermore!”
This has been a reading from the Book of Tiger. Now go take on the day!