When I look up I see the bus
I bet you can't find me!
Grease. Dirt. Grime. Wheels. Axles. Gears. Lugs. Nuts. Bolts. Paper clips. Other mechanical thingies.
When the real men gathered around to talk about engines and those other mechanical thingies that make vehicles go, I was never around. I made myself scarce.
Those have never been things that were of interest to me. “You have a 360 block with a 44 magnum under the hood? Wowwie with headers, pipes and mufflers? How about leg warmers, does it have those, too? Is all that shit considered good or did you just describe the equivalent of the Ford Pinto?” Now that is a car I’m familiar with! It explodes when it backs that ass up!
So how is it when I get up and dust myself off that I find myself surrounded by all things mechanical? It’s because when I look up, I only see bus.
You might say it is where I have been thrown. You know what else gets thrown? Garbage! But anywho, I guess that finally explains the tire marks on my face.
Whine alert! The well-written prose above should be more than enough to clue you in that I’m about to whine about my job. Now is your chance to get the hell out of Dodge.
Still here? Sucka!
Where I work I’m the sacrificial lamb. I’m the official speed bump for buses. That’s my job.
Oh, management will spew all sorts of bullshit and meaningless platitudes about how we’re a “team.” That’s just a playful way of saying that shit flows downhill and you live under my butt. We’re more than willing to do all of the fake things that have no meaning whatsoever when it comes to making you think we care. But never forget, we’ll throw you under that boss without a moment’s hesitation. Hahaha!
This time it involved a subtle version of Co-Worker Playing Dumb Deflection Techniques routine. “Yes, I’ve been trained how to save JPG files in email. But not GIF files, oh my. Only my team member Abyss knows how to handle those! I’ll be happy to get him for you.” Of course that’s a bunch of bullshit, but it always goes down that way.
For some on the so-called “team” (ha!) the office culture has evolved into a very convenient paradigm. TIF = Alfredo in the back. Bad Manager will grudgingly handle JPG. But anything else under the sun? That belongs to Abyss. Automatically. Without thought or hesitation. Without the need to ask questions to learn more. Without any sort of goddamn attempt at all to show initiaitve or be a “team” player or think outside the box. If it isn’t the one and only magical JPG then flush it into the mouth of Abyss posthaste. Period. Bar none. End of story. Now get your face under that motherfucking tire now, scum!
It is so delightful to be part of such a “team.”
Of course it goes without saying that the reverse is never true. Oh no, not by a long shot. I’ve trained myself on all sorts of things so I’m sort of viewed as a miracle worker around here. In fact, almost everything I know, including my frickin’ job, I learned on my own initiative. I taught my fucking self.
Even so, I don’t know everything about everyone’s jobs. There are some things I never do or don’t do often enough to be able to do on my own when the chips are down, even though I’m the closest thing ever seen to a real team player in this shithole.
So earlier today I was tossed under the bus because the manager wanted human salad. I was left to run the operation with live customers on things I know nothing about. Not too surprisingly I reached a knowledge impasse and had to go ask her for help. Yes, this is the same “her” that plays the proactive “oh I certainly don’t know how to do that” game at every opportunity.
No surprise what happened next:
The fucking fangs of evil were deployed and aimed at my neck. Alpha dog alert – alpha dog alert – this is not a drill!
“Oh,” she said with a look that could easily put daggers through the titanium hull of the U.S.S. Enterprise. She continued, and I’m paraphrasing here, “What do you want me to do about it? Come up there and wipe your ass for you?”
I just shrugged. It’s only a customer who’s waiting. Which, of course, means that I couldn’t possibly fucking care less. When the company makes money I sure as hell don’t. So with this team player properly chastised by the one who preaches team playing all the time went back to hose down the customer with the tasty water of uselessness. Customer left unsatisfied. Game over. Win-win, baby!
If the company makes X amount my bonus is a $50 gift card to Wal-Mart. If the company makes 10X my bonus is a $50 gift card to Wal-Mart. That’s called the team rewards system.
And that’s all the fuck I have to say about that fuck.
I know this post is written badly but I don’t care. Let someone else on the motherfucking team worry about it.
Also, be sure to stop by the lobby for my new line of “When I Look Up I See Bus” t-shirts. Backstabbing asshole employees not included.
Addendum: While writing this post I received the following in email. “A message to all members of NaBloPoMo. Hey, bloggers! The theme for May blogging is LOOK UP.” Mwuhahahahaha! Looks like I’m off to a good start. 🙂
Dropping hip new lingo for our modern times
Seems like every time I take the time to blink there is some new word or phrase that I have to catch up with. It can be downright crazy. I think the urge to create new words is just another form of labeling. It satisfies the human urge to categorize, especially when it comes to putting people into neat, tidy little boxes. We like it when we can think of things they way we feel they should be, which can sometimes be inconveniently divorced from reality. Ultimately it’s just another insult and method for putting down people who don’t agree with you.
I thought I’d take a little time and see how many of these new words I can list.
Birthers – These are the folks who say that Obama’s Hawaiian certified copy of live birth is fake and/or Hawaiian officials are part of a conspiracy and/or Obama’s gradma watched him being born in Kenya and/or Obama has some sort of weird dual citizenship issue that precludes him from being president, etc. Interestingly enough there are several competing factions who produce their fraudulent documents and file their lawsuits and don’t trust fellow birthers with wierdo variant theories. But that doesn’t stop some from still believing these theories. Thus they have earned the proud name of “birthers.”
Preppers – Some people who believe the end of the world is near so they are busy stocking up on guns, ammo, food and survival supplies. I can’t help but wonder, though, what good will any of that crap serve if the world does actually end??? You can’t take it with you, right?
Truthers – Also known as the “9/11 Truth Movement” these are people who think that the government had something to do with the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and that the “mainstream” media has failed to report the real truth of what actually happened that day.
Deathers – These are folks who are anti-Obama and anti-health care reform. They believe that health care reform will result in mass euthanasia of the elderly and other people as a viable method of making the plan cheaper. Less people alive means less money spent on health care, right? I guess the most famous deather of all would have to be former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin who worked so hard to make “death panels” a household phrase.
Warmers – Idiots who refuse to accept the massive “truth” that global warming is the biggest lie of all time have earned this appellation. Global warming may very well be one of the most complex theories of all time, one that is completely unprovable by mere humans, and, unlike some claim, there is no clear consensus of scientists one way or the other, so let’s insult the other side by putting them down with this particular label.
Teabaggers – Damn them for perverting this once wholesome term. This group of folks doesn’t like the direction our country is heading and they have wisely concluded that if it worked once in Boston, heck, it’ll probably work again. They busy themselves making protest signs, sporting shirts that say things like “revive the revolution” and quoting Thomas Jefferson: “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” Blood? Revolution? Are you actually threatening our country?
Thrown Under The Bus – This phrase earns a lifetime achievement award for longevity. The phrase has actually been around for a while but really got legs during the 2008 presidential campaign. Since then usage his hit titanic proportions. As someone thrown under the bus on an almost daily basis, I can vouch for it!
Can you think of any others I forgot? Pound that comment function and tell me all about it.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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