Tag Archives: text

Comic: Messages From Heaven


Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Demerit Badges

you-dont-sayBoy Scouts of America (BSA), under fire for a policy which prohibits membership for homosexuals, has come up with a jaw-dropping and breathless proposal they feel just might remedy the situation:

“No youth may be denied membership in the Boy Scouts of America on the basis of sexual orientation or preference alone.”

–Boy Scouts of America, excerpt of proposed resolution

Wow! That sounds pretty damn compelling, right? Finally! No more unfair and unfounded criticism for this piece of Americana organization which is a fine and upstanding part of our community and never does anything wrong. This will finally shut up those annoying critics.

Alas, as the rest of the internet has noticed, the proposal only applies to “youth.” Homosexuals are still prohibited from serving as scoutmasters and den mothers.


However, something else about the line of text caught my eye. Do you see it, too? I may very well be the only son of a bitch in the universe to have caught on. Aren’t you lucky to know me? Membership has its privileges.
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When only the full Weiner will do

As a public service I am bringing you the full transcript of tweets from the sordid Weiner Affair.

Warning: Do not read pass the jump if you are easily offended by the twitterings of the horny.

If you do make the jump, enjoy the time-honored art of seduction in all of its glory.

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I have a voice: Twittering whispers to myself

I added an app to my iPod Touch called “Dragon Dictation.” It’s free so at least I know I didn’t overpay. This app converts speech to text. So now I can talk to my iPod (which feels a little weird), have my voice converted to text, then easily send that text as a tweet.

The other night I was at a restaurant and decided to take it for a spin. Let’s see how it did.

Tweet: Hey Twitter this is my voice converted to text. How exciting

Analysis: Not too shabby. That’s what I said, although I’m pretty sure I implied a period at the end of the sentence.

Tweet: Hi text max’s voice tweet from a rest salon marvel at my greatness

Analysis: This is so mangled I can’t remember my exact words. But I do know that “rest salon” was supposed to be “restaurant.”

Tweet: There’s a guy here at the restaurant with the laptop will ask for his e-mail address so I can tweet

Analysis: This one is almost decipherable. It was actually: “There’s a guy here at the restaurant with a laptop. I will ask for his e-mail address so I can tweet him.” I was feeling pretty damn high tech and social at the time.

Test: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog

Nailed it.

Test: Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country

Nailed it again.

Tweet: I sure hope you’ll enjoy the best tweets to you by dragon dictation. Peace out

Analysis: This was the end of my test. It think it was “you’ve enjoyed” but I’m not sure.

Conclusion: The app worked fairly well. I noticed that it works by recording audio then processing it. The longer you talk, the more you record, and the longer the processing time. It was a bit annoying it didn’t keep up in real time.

Overall, I recommend this app at the price of free. It’s a good value for making your tweets look like they came from someone with English as a second language and/or an elementary school dropout.

Critics rave about these shirt ideas

Today’s idea: T-shirts based on over-the-top advertising hype.

Yes, some of these are intended to be ribald.

30 percent more free!

Serving suggestion.

Now even more scrumptious.

New and improved!

Recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors.

Have me your way.

Positively has to be there overnight.

Chosen by choosy mothers.

Proven effective.

Guaranteed results.

Save now on love.

Fast! Easy! Very low cost!

Power, performance and speed!

Not sold in stores.

First time offered.

Enjoyed at home, office or car.

Completely confidential.

Delivered to your door.

Enormous potential.

Emerging growth.

Exceeds expectations.

Fast results.

Top-down strategies.

Rent to own.

Limited to first caller.

Incredibly easy to use!

Dim speakerphones, emails and etiquette

I fight authority, authority always wins

This morning Twitter washed up a tweet at my feet. It caught my eye and provided inspiration for today’s ramblings.

The tweet said, “Have you ever sent an embarrassing email or text? Find out how can you possibly recover from that?!” And it linked to this post: What to Do After Sending an Embarrassing Text or Email.

That blog did make some good points. Like how easy it is to make honest mistakes and send messages where you didn’t really intend. Oops. Now the main theme of the blog, politeness, is no extra-special concern of mine, but I don’t necessarily enjoy going out of my way to make people upset. For example, I’d actually feel bad if any of the douchebags in my life ever found out what I’d written about them here behind their backs and in front of the whole internet. Touching, eh?

We’ve all made mistakes and routed embarrassing stuff to the wrong place, right? I thought of two examples from my life and I thought I’d share them.

The first involves a speakerphone and happened about 10 to 15 years ago when I worked at a big company. One of my duties was producing work plans based on the needs of another department. It took about two to three hours in a hectic and crazy setting to pump out one of these plans. And I had to do at least one of them per day, sometimes more.

This other department was the Alpha Dog and I was the Omega Dog. That meant I had to take their shit. No matter what. They often changed their minds, made last-minute decisions, and pulled some really stupid crap. This department directly serviced our external customers and would often make amazing concessions and bend the rules to land the sale – of course, at my expense.

So I found myself at the end of the work day. It was time to go home. Another eight hours of my life shot to hell in the name of money. And I had just finished the work plan. The phone rang and it was my boss. She proceeded to tell me that this other department wanted to get some last minute changes in. Changes that would necessitate remaking the work plan. We were way beyond their deadline for submitting changes, and accepting them would mean another two to three hours of work. Gratis, on me, of course, since I was a salaried professional.

Little did I know how legendary the words that were about to come out of my mouth would be.

“I’m sorry, but the answer is no,” I told her. “You can tell that department to rot in hell.

Yes. “Rot in hell.” I said it. Those were my exact words and I am not embellishing or exaggerating in any way shape or form. That’s exactly how it all went down. Oh yeah. Sing it for me, Johnny Cash: I was there when it happened so I guess I oughtta know.

It was at this particular moment that two things happened in quick succession. First, I heard a clicking sound, like a phone hastily being picked up from the base unit. Second, my boss informed me I had been on speakerphone during the entire call and that the department head himself was sitting in her office. And he had heard every word.

Booyah! Slam dunk! FTW! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. LOL! ROFL! Dirty Sanchez!

Speaking about politeness, by the way, isn’t there some etiquette for letting people know when they are on the fucking speakerphone? Perhaps even when discussing something somewhat delicate and the person of interest to that conversation is in the very same fucking room?

Somehow I survived that day and lived on to get into even more trouble.

The second incident isn’t quite as exciting as the first. I happened while working as a programmer for a flighty ecommerce outfit. Oh the stories I could tell about that place. Maybe more on that later.

The owner had set up the email system so all bounced email went directly to him. You can see where this is going, right?

So one day I whip out an email to the head programmer where I called the boss’s wife “a little bit dim.” Not the worst insult of all time, but not something I really wanted to say to her face, either. I then made some sort of typo in the email address (not on purpose) and clicked “send.”

About five seconds later, the boss, who sat just a few feet away, looks over at me and says, “Dude, your email just bounced.”

Oh shit. Snap! No you didn’t!

Yep. I just called his wife “dim” and the email went right to him. I did think she was dim, but she was actually nice, too, so I felt bad. A few apologies and then a few weeks of awkwardness and then all returned mostly to normal.

The moral of these stories is don’t say anything about someone that you aren’t willing to say to their face. And if you still do, be really, really sure you can get away with it. 🙂

Click me for John Cougar music video – Authority Song

I Text Myself

Dear Self, This is a Text.

I’m loving myself
When a text goes bing
I sent it myself
While one-handed typing
I’m searching myself
I want me nearer
Forget everyone else
My phone has a mirror


I don’t want anyone else
When I think about me
I text myself
I don’t want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no!

I’m the one who is witty honey
I’ve got to hand it to myself
I never write shitty bunny
I want to make me mine

I close my eyes
And see me before me
Think I would die
If id would ignore me
If my ego could see
Just how much I adore me
I get down on those keys
I’d do anything for self whee!


I want me
I don’t want anybody else
And when I think about me
I text myself
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah