BlogFestivus: Old Weezer Ebenezer
This story is the first of a five-part series of 200-word stories for BlogFestivus, A Christmas Carol. Check out the links (at the bottom of this post) to all the participating “ghost” writers for this year’s challenge. I suspect you’re in for some dark, yet jolly, days ahead. -BD
Old Weezer Ebenezer
by Tom B. Taker
Ebenezer Scrooge, perched in his private box overlooking the pavilion, permitted himself the luxury of the barest ghost of a smile. It was as cold as the dickens but there was nothing quite like being filled with the Christmas spirit to keep the chill at bay. A wee nip in the flask didn’t hurt, either.
His eyes twinkled like Old Saint Nick himself as they caught a jerk of movement from the foreman. ‘Twas the signal that the preparations were complete. His crooked nose twitched involuntarily.
With all the dignity his aged body could summon, he slowly stood and shuffled to the podium. He nodded and the foreman whisked a tarpaulin away, revealing a grand statue of Ebenezer himself.
“With this monument,” he announced, “we celebrate a great day. At last, all of the remaining poor have been terminated.”
A muted cheer rippled lamely through the assembled throng. Fools, he thought with a snort. Moments to savor like this didn’t occur all that often.
He raised mitten-covered hands and waited for his workers to settle down. They huddled together and looked to him with their expectant faces.
“With them gone … you are the new poor.”
He grinned.
“You’re fired!”
—
Click on the links below for more takes on A Christmas Carol from our other BlogFestivus bloggers:
Linda penning at linda vernon humor
Steve from Stevil
Maria-Christina blogging at MCWhispers
Dylan of Treatment of Visions
Sarah from Parent Your Business
Dawn blogging at Lingering Visions
K8edid from k8edid
Dave bringing it at 1pointperspective
Eileen from Not The Sword But The Pen
Lindsey at RewindRevise
Kandy of Kandy Talk
Sandra writing at In Love With Words
Natalie from So I Went Undercover
Jen at Blog It or Lose It
Amelie from In the Barberry
Cee Cee blogging at Cee Cee’s Blog
Ashley from LittleWonder2
BD writing Blogdramedy
Abyss brings the greetings
I’ve decided to expand my operations. There are big changes afoot. No longer will I wallow in the pitiful mediocrity of my words. Blogging is passe and busted. No more blog posts from me. Today I boldly leap into the exciting, glamorous and fast-paced world of greeting cards!
Since the market is over-saturated and rife with competition, I’ll need a way to stand out from the crowd. I prefer to be left standing in my field. That’s just the way I roll.
So I will specialize in negativity cards. I haven’t mapped out all the sub-genres yet, but we’ll cover pregnant maids, wood chipper accidents, death threats and many passive-aggressive themes. Our aim is to bring a touch of gritty realism to a product that is normally syrupy-sweet and overly upbeat. And, as an added bonus, in addition to tired greetings, each of our cards is handcrafted in the Abyss and tells a gripping story. Enjoy the narrative!
Welcome to the Abyss Greeting Card store!
Card – Front
Card – Inside
Oh gerbil where art thou
Rome wasn’t built in a day…
Nor was it built by gerbils.
I’m not going to beat around the bush. The lead for this story is quite clear.
The gerbil has been terminated from his job.
Unbelievable, I know.
Upon termination for a no-call, no-show, the gerbil is said to have quipped, “I must have forgotten to turn my alarm on.”
Indeed. Indubitably.
You might ask, “Is this the same gerbil that used his phone as an alarm clock, even though we advised him against doing that 1.2 million times?” That answer would be yes.
You might ask, “Is this the same gerbil that could easily snooze through his alarm 27 times in a row?” That answer would be yes.
You might ask, “Is this the same gerbil who was on extremely thin ice for a horrible record of attendance, making up wacky stories for why he couldn’t work, and was routinely late for or didn’t show up for work at all?” That answer would be, surprisingly, yes.
Somehow the cruel hand of fate reached out and unfairly smacked this poor kid around leading to his unjust removal as an employee. It just isn’t fair!!!
That makes two of our gerbils who have now lost their jobs due to no-call, no-show scenarios. Gerbil #1 felt “sick” one day for something like the umpteenth time. He didn’t have a land line and no cell phone was available. So he just didn’t show up. He was summarily fired. I asked him later, “Did it ever cross your brain to try to find a phone?” He could only lamely reply, “No.” (That’s translated from gerbil squeak.)
Now Gerbil #2 has followed in those exact same footsteps. It is rather remarkable, really. Rarely in the world of scientific exploration do we find this sort of ironclad consistency.
No doubt new gerbil behavior is brewing due to this recent development. Stay tuned for more details as they become available…
You’ve got termination
Hey look! I've just been fired by text message!
Ebenezer Scrooge himself impersonating the Marquis de Sade in a North Pole elf suit couldn’t have played it better.
I’m talking about a news story from the universe (via AOL) that randomly washed up on my beach today: Trucker Laid Off Via Text Message
Niiiice. Big points for style. Extra points for shutting off company credit cards, no matter where the driver was located, and leaving them in the lurch. Oh yeah, “P.S. Please return our truck.”
LOLZ!
Details of the severance package: $200 or a bus ticket to get home.
Ho ho ho.
Cell phones continue to impress the living fuckshit out of me. Is there anything these little marvels can’t do? These little guys are the workhorses of the information age and the modern capitalism-based economy.
So why did the news have to be so sudden to employees? I’d assume it’s because management was stealing every penny in sight to fuck over the creditors they’d been stringing along under the house of cards they’d built. Because one thing is certain: The idiot assholes who destroyed the company has gots to get paid, yo.
The company’s web site is down and the company seems to no longer exist. I guess we’re deprived of the opportunity to tell Arrow Trucking Co. to eat our ass. Lame.
Companies just love the idea of “at-will employment.” They think of it a free market win-win. “You can leave any time you want,” they say. “By the same token we reserve the same right.” I can’t think of anything more exhilarating than experiencing that kind of spur-of-the-moment challenge. If you think about it, it’s really a gift from your employer. Just another fun puzzle to solve, with the specter of your family going hungry and/or living on the street for added excitement. Win-win!
I don’t know about you but I just love the Christmas season. I love it when that merry feeling lingers on past the day itself. I feel so festive!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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