The Friday Edition of Why So Serious?
My blog has been remarkably serious of late, with my moral outrage oozing out like an open sore. That can only mean one thing:
It’s Friday and it’s time to get feckless and fancy free!
In times like these, I like to turn to poop.
The case of the pooping cat
The owner of Duke the Cat, an 11-year-old-longhair, was bought to a Seattle court. The allegation: Damages caused by poop.
Duke was described by the victim in the case as “the smartest cat that I’ve ever seen.”
Duke’s owner was fined $109.
Due to Duke’s relentless pooping, the victim claimed that workers remodeling his dilapidated home into a duplex were “sickened from the stink.”
“He was a fast pooper,” the victim alleged.
The victim testified that he never actually caught Duke in the act, but that he had seen Duke fleeing the scene “at least 25 times” over a two-year period, leaving behind evidence that he described as “a warm, steaming pile,” so he could only come to one conclusion.
Source: Miami Herald
Earthworm Poop Wrinkle Cream Touted as Hollywood Beauty Secret on The Doctors TV Show
What’s better than poop-related products you can actually eat? (Think coffee beans that have been on Mr. Toad Stool’s wild ride through an Asian Palm Civet.)
How about poop you can rub on your face? Yes, I think that could very well be the next best thing!
A product called “Wrinkle Butter” made from the poop of earthworms is touted in a press release is being promoted as a way to “reverse the aging process” of skin. The product is featured in a segment (heh!) on The Doctor’s television show.
The press release prefers the euphemism “castings” rather than the more pedestrian term of “poop.” Earthworm castings, it claims, have no “poop smell” and contain many of the anti-aging compounds found in expensive “serums and creams.”
“At least a dozen A-list celebrities” are said to be using the product, although the press release refuses to name names. The product is said to be a “big seller with the Hollywood crowd.”
I can’t begin to guess which folks from Hollyweird are smearing poop on their faces, but I can guess why they call it “Wrinkle” butter. We all know where poop comes from, right?
Robot runs on organic fuel and poops out the waste
If we know one thing about humans, it’s that we want our electronics to eat food and generate poop. No word yet if we also have the technology for it to burp and fart, too.
Meet Ecobot-III, the robot that eats food (organic matter) and poops out his own waste. If that isn’t the ultimate in modern convenience I don’t know what is!
Ecobot isn’t quite as discerning about what constitutes “food” as us humans. The little fellow can eat food and water from its environment, and can even, if you let it, consume human feces as a tasty entree.
I almost have no words, but I can summon the force of will to say this much: These robot designers are ingenious.
Source: Slashgear.com
Panda Tea says, “Coffee can’t have all the fun!”
When it comes to coffee, a straight line is not always the best route between two points. As I mentioned above, some folks think letting an animal eat coffee beans and poop them out is a grand way to make a cup.
Now tea comes along as said, “Wait one! I deserve some poop, too!”
A calligraphy instructor has formulated a plan to grow tea that has been fertilized with panda poop. I think this is brilliant. It comes the two most crucial ingredients of success in any tea-growing operation: A thorough knowledge of calligraphy and the fact that pandas are cute. Really cute. So cute, in fact, that their poop suddenly takes an otherwise mundane operation and kicks it up to a whole new level.
The wise entrepreneur recently bought 11 tons of the panda poop from a panda breeding center. His first batch of tea fertilized with the poop is estimated to be worth priced at $77,000 (USD) per kilo (2.2 pounds).
You heard it here first. Poop pays!! Watch your back, coffee.
Source: Technabob.com
Me love you oolong time
Iced tea became my #1 beverage of choice after I recently gave up carbonated soft drinks and soda. Or, as I commonly refer to it, “liquid candy.”
In the mornings, after I also gave up coffee, hot tea moved to the top of the list.
Each of those, iced tea and hot tea, both had something else in common, though. And that was my old nemesis granulated sugar.
When sugar got kicked to the curb, that was a major game changer.
Sure, it’s easy to give up soda when you’re poppin’ two tablespoons of sugar into your iced tea. And a basic cup of hot tea in the mornings made from a generic tea bag isn’t super-critical when you’ve had a lifelong love affair with sugar and rely on it to fight any bitterness in your brewing technique.
Now I almost never drink iced tea, although occasionally with a bit of lemon it can be quite good if I get lucky in a restaurant.
Mornings are rougher. My hot tea without sugar is so bitter that it is often borderline undrinkable. And in the mornings I really crave a hot drink.
That’s when I learned I was doing it all wrong. So says the following video I found on my Roku and the free CHOW channel.
My protest sign
Introduction: A sign made by yours truly is shown above. This was taken at a Tea Party Tax Day Protest 2010 in front of the Sarah Palin Building in Washington, D.C. As you can see, no one suspected I was a protest sign infiltrator and I was just able to duck for cover before this picture was taken, so I didn’t blow my cover and I remain safely anonymous …
This last week our nation celebrated April 15th. That’s always a fun day here in the abyss. I simply refer to it as Festival Day. Even so, I still found some time to take a quick crawl out to civilization. My goal? Infiltration of so-called “Tea Party” tax day protests. Aha! I get it. They went and scheduled their protests on a significant day. Tax day and “Taxed Enough Already.” Very, very clever. Get it? They truly have some masterminds at the helm.
All I wanted to do was sneak in and be a “plant” with my humble little sign. You know what I mean, right? None of the offensive messages on display at Tea Party protests are ever representative of the movement itself. The movement has an amazing lack of responsibility in that area. I’ve basically been told that if a sign is offensive then it must obviously be a “plant.” A “plant” is someone at a rally opposed to the Tea Party’s objectives for the sole purpose of making the movement look bad. (It’s hard to argue with logic like that.)
Isn’t it amazing how the Tea Party somehow knows that without exception all offensive messages must be plants!
Maybe, just maybe, the Tea Party themselves planted the “plants.” Now that is a brilliant idea. It gives them someone to blame and a clear path to obfuscation. Think about it. They know the offensive messages are self-planted, and they know that we’ll react to them, and when we do, then they can claim innocence and blame it on others.
Unless… What if we know that they know that they did it, but they don’t know that we know? Perhaps then we could plant signs that make the Tea Party look good. This will confuse them for sure. They’ll know the signs aren’t theirs, but they won’t know what to do about it, because they won’t know that we know that they know the offensive self-planted signs are theirs!
The only possible flaw I can see in this plan is if they find out that we know that they know about the offensive self-planted signs, then they may also know that we know that we planted the positive signs, which they know couldn’t have been planted by them. If they figure that out, and they know that we did, and we don’t know that they know that, it could be bad.
Fuck it. I say we go for it. I’m a little confused which type of signs to make now, though. I think I’ll stick to ones that are offensively positive. Start making signs! 🙂
I’m crashing the tea party
I believe I'll have a spot of tea
I have decided to become a self-appointed “junior member” of the tea party movement.
Now don’t get me wrong. There are many areas where I differ with some of the movement’s main themes. But my understanding is that the movement is “grass roots” (in spite of some corporate sponsors), still doesn’t have an official leadership structure, and that localized parts of the movement are free to support their own priorities. Members are defining the terms of their own involvement in the movement.
I’m taking that same initiative. I am now a “tea party patriot.”
I should point out that I represent the citizens of the abyss, population one, where I now hold the position of tea party president. Unlike other elements of the national movement, however, I will not be doing things like starting a web site, selling merchandise for profit (buttons, tshirts and bumper stickers) and developing my own flag. The national flag of the United States works just fine for me, thank you.
I’ll begin by enumerating my concerns as I see them:
- The federal government employs about two million people (not including the postal service.) Source.
- The number of federal employees could grow to 2.15 million people in 2010. Source.
- “Federal employees earn an average annual compensation of $106,871, including pay and benefits, compared to just $53,288 in the private sector.” Source.
Now the areas where I differ with the rest of the tea party movement:
- I don’t think this is all about Obama.
- I agree that dissent is patriotic, but I also believed it during the Bush administration.
- The first TARP happened under Bush. (Yes, I know Obama also supported it.)
- I don’t blame everything on liberals. 82% of our national debt was spent by Republicans. Source.
I have seen pictures of some of the hateful signs that have been displayed at tea party tax day protests. For my slogan, though, I wanted something edgier:
Let’s work together in good faith to make America the best it can be.
Now, when will someone show up to teach me the secret tea party handshake? 🙂
Shouts from the Abyss 
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