¡ Yo Fear-O Taco Bell !
I just had a filler enema!
I am not a foodie. (If you have to paint me in a box go with trekkie.) I know I’ve written about food a lot lately. It’s just this naive bleef that we have a right to know what we eat. And that increasingly the people who make food are seemingly at cross-purposes to that deceptively simple objective. (And sometimes cross-porpoises but that’s another story.)
Take Taco Bell, for example. (Figuratively, not literally, I hope.) A while back there was a hubbub that Taco Bell’s “seasoned beef” was rumored to be 35% beef and 65% other stuff. (Taco Bell eschews the word “filler.”)
Well, Taco Bell wants you to know the truth. They are proud to announced that their “seasoned beef” product is a whopping 88% beef and only 12% other stuff.
Forget about the daily grind, it’s time for an afternoon party! 88% is pretty damn good! Hot mess good. If only we could achieve that standard for everything in life.
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Guru Fieldwork: Anthropology
It was a Tuesday
A day like another other day
I left my hermit space
For a nation in decay
I know, I know! I deserve what I get when I leave the house. Stepping out into the world is exactly like asking for it.
I can’t help it. Stuff happens. I guess it’s all my fault for observing it. If I was oblivious then maybe it wouldn’t bother me.
But what has been seen cannot be unseen. Leaving the house is where the empirical process of data collection begins.
Sometimes, rarely, it works in my favor. Like two weeks ago when we went to the movies. I had to pee so I walked into the auditorium-sized men’s room. Along one wall was a line of 20 urinals. I picked my spot and made a beeline. Along the way I spotted the guy. You know, the one asshole who exists in every social situation. He was standing at a urinal, doing his business with one hand, and talking away on the iPhone in the other. Millennials call that multitasking. I call it being a dill hole.
That’s when The Miracle happened in the blink of an eye.
Clackity clack clack clack.
The iPhone got dropped. And there it went! Zoom zoom! Clackity clack all the way across that pee-covered bathroom floor. The guy stood there, still holding his other device, and lamely watched it go.
It just goes to show that – sometimes – good things can happen. It was pure serendipity and, for one brief moment in time, I forgot all about pain. I was in the moment.
Last night I left the house again but the empirical results were decidedly not as fun. Not by a long shot.
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ESPN goes on strike
Look hard. Can you spot the bullshit? No, it's not the fact that 10 percent of the screen is advertising.
Tonight while channel flipping I happened to catch the last two outs of a game between Boston and Minnesota on ESPN. The first thing that caught my eye was a strike zone graphic. My first thought? “That shit is lame.”
I kept waiting for it to go away. It didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with the thing on an instant replay, especially on an interesting pitch, situation, or questionable call from the ump.
But to leave that thing on all the time? It’s grotesque.
ESPN calls it the “K-Zone.” If a pitch “should” have been called a strike, regardless of what the umpire called, the box will briefly turn yellow.
Personally I think ESPN is missing a bit opportunity here. Why not fill that space with a Nike logo or a few Viagra pills? More advertising, baby!
As a matter of fact, why not convert the whole grassy area of the ball park into a giant logo. PETCO Park? The athletes could literally be playing on PETCO field!
Speaking of the athletes, there is way too much unused space on their uniforms for more advertising. Perhaps FOX News could adapt their “crawl” to display there. You could be entertained by baseball, learn about important products and be educated in the myriad of ways that Obama sucks – all at the same time!
Talk about multitasking!
Of course, every three seconds or so a blimp should fly across the screen to remind you that it is time to “grab some Buds.”
A few more ideas:
- Display the position over player’s heads at all time. P for pitcher, C for catcher, 1B for the first baseman, etc. Remember: Fans are idiots.
- On fly balls have a little robot run across the screen and display the odds the fielder will drop the ball.
- Display Lady Gaga videos on the mound during the game, because, oh hell! Where else would she be?
Come on, MLB! Think outside the bun! That reminds me. All the bases should be tacos and home plate should be a chalupa.
To fast, tofu-rious
Worst headline evar. I know. If you don’t like it, hit the delete key for our double-your-money-back guarantee.
The other day the boss’s daughter came into work after school, like she does most days. On her walk from school she had stopped at Jack In The Box. She asked me, “Do you want two tacos?”
I didn’t hesitate. “Oh yeah.” I can’t help it. I love those things. And, if memory serves, they’ve been two for 99 cents since the 80’s.
In my cubby at work I eagerly found my packets of taco sauce. I joined her at the table and was just about to rip into one of those suckers when I had a very disturbing thought.
“Wait a minute. These damn things aren’t vegetarian.” Aw, shit.
Oh moment of joy had once again turned to dispair in 6.5 seconds. I’m nothing if not consistent.
So I reluctantly handed the tacos to my boss who made short work of them by reenacting a scene from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. (Look away!)
The episode left me shaken but curious. What is vegetarian on the Jack In The Box menu? An internet search revealed stuff like hamburger bun (how un-citing), curly fries, potato wedges, and salad.
But wait? What’s this? Something about the tacos being vegetarian, too? Swoooon!
One website I found claimed the tacos contained soy and no meat. Could it possibly be true? Here’s a hint: No.
A search for the phrase “jack in the box tacos vegetarian” turns 112,000 results. According to one:
There is a widespread rumor in the vegetarian community that the famous tacos at Jack in the Box are not filled with meat but rather soy imitation meat and thus are a good vegetarian option. This is not true, the beef filling in the tacos are a mixture of both soy and beef. (Source: Examiner.com)
Denied by the universe. Again!
Still, it got me to thinking. What isn’t there any fast food in the known universe featuring tofu rather than meat? I bet the geniuses at McDonalds, Burger King and Jack In The Box could think of something. So why haven’t they?
Why does it always have to be about the meat?
To me this seems like a huge opportunity in the world fast food tofu for some forward thinker. The internet is sure abuzz about vegetarian choices at food food restaurants. Someone should cash in on that.
It’s true, Taco Bell tried with their alleged “ground beef” but, alas, it still contained 35 percent meat. Their scientists need to get back in the test kitchen and lower than number. There is simply no excuse for that amount of meat being in there!
Get your tofu on! I already know what I’ll call my chain of restaurants, too. Tofu Mofo.
Back in Black Taco Friday
Black hole taco? Click images for the original posts. Man my Photoshop skillz were mad back then!
Mmm. Remember the black jack taco from Taco Bell? Featuring “jack sauce?” Trust me, that sauce is hard to make! Oh, those were the good old days. Black taco, where art thou and why hast thou forsaken us?
Black taco. Say it with me. It just rolls off the tongue.
Black taco. Black taco. Black taco.
By the way, this post has absolutely nothing to do with black tacos. But I feel like I may need some black tacos soon. I’m craving black nourishment. I’m even feeling black.
The time draws near when black taco must ride again.
What could possibly have caused this blackout?
It might be the goddamn commercials on TV trying to coax shoppers under the premise that so-called “Black Friday” savings can now be purloined all fucking month long!!!
Whooo-eeee! Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen!
You mean even a loser like me can be stupid enough to give you my money? And think I’m actually getting a good deal? Because you’ve created a shopping holiday and are now trying to exploit it into a whole damn month of consumeristic frenzy?
Dear Sears. Dear Walmart. As the premium purveyors of Black Friday porn as early as October, you have earned my wrath. You’ve done a great job. I have seen your slime trails. I will not set foot in your stores no matter what.
New Blog Feature: As I See It
There are two main problems I see with the approach of trying to stretch a single fake day into more than a single fake month.
First, “Black Friday” has a time honored tradition of violence, elbow throwing, hair pulling, nail scratching, selfishness and the ever-popular trampling people to death. By stretching the holiday out so long you deprive your shoppers of the experience, and that simply isn’t “Black Friday” at all.
Secondly, it’s simply an utterly lame reason for a sale. What about all the time-honored reasons for sales?
- President’s Day
- Fourth of July
- Clinton-Lewinsky Blowjob Anniversary Day
- Inventory Blowout
- Going Out of Business (and re-opening with a new name)
- Rabid frogs ate our warehouse and we’re passing the savings on to you
- Back to School
In fact, if memory serves, there about 4,000 different types of sales and only 365 days in a year. Isn’t that enough?
I bet stores like Sears and Walmart think they are so clever. “Black Friday is out biggest shopping day of the year,” they lament. “If only there was some way to cash in on that.” It turns out there is a way. It’s called fucking Black Friday.
Recommendation
If you do decide to go to one of these lame ass sales, here’s some ideas to try to capture that “Black Friday” spirit of fun and adventure:
- Bring ten of your friends and wait for the store to open, pounding on the front door and repeatedly chanting, “Open, open, open!”
- When the doors open, race your friends through the store for a specific item. Only the first one to grab the item will be allowed to buy that item.
- After that has been decided, allow one of your group of shoppers to challenge the winner to a fist fight for retention of the item.
- Try to find and push over an innocent person, preferably elderly and/or in a mobility device and/or pregnant, then once they are on the ground and helpless try to jump over them. (Stampede Simulation.)
- Knock over at least one merchandise display.
- Grab a brand new Playstation 3 and go to the electronics counter and yell as loudly as you can, “I’m only paying $48.88 for this!”
- If security tries to intervene at any point, kick them in the nards.
- Have a laptop throwing contest. Longest toss wins a six-piece order of Chicken McNuggets or, for a limited time only, the holy grail of fast food, the McRib. Remember that official Olympic rules for this sport state: “The laptop is thrown from a circle with a diameter of 2.5 meters.” No cheating!
- Pat each other down and beat the shit out of anyone who isn’t packing at least one fully-loaded firearm.
- Bring along your own “security” person and try to pepper spray and tazer everyone in your group!
- Bonus idea: Hide poop around the store to sabotage other shoppers!
Have fun!
Pull over then put it in D for Dick
No one enjoys having to pull over for an emergency vehicle, right? After all, you are traveling around in your gasoline-powered combustion vehicle on important business.
Dammit! Taco Bell just can’t wait!
Even though you don’t like it, you pull over to the side of the road when you hear the siren and see those flashing lights. Only a super-mega-douchebag wouldn’t. The penalties and humiliation for failure to yield to an emergency vehicle would be quite intense.
So you reluctantly pull over and curse the fates that had the audacity to fuck with your driving. Of course, you wait until the last possible minute.
Then you happen to notice something very, very interesting. All the cars on the road pulled over at the same time. And because you’re at the end of that line, that means that after the emergency vehicle passes you, the cars ahead of you will still be waiting because they haven’t been passed yet.
There are a few precious seconds it takes for the emergency vehicle to pass everyone.
This is it! This is your big chance! Just as soon as the emergency vehicle clears the front of your car, crank that steering wheel hard and punch the gas. Punch it hard. Your goal here is to just barely miss clipping that emergency vehicle with the front of the car. Your skill will be measured in the inches of separation between life and death. Dance on the edge of that precipice and rejoice in the moment.
If you’ve timed things correctly you’ll be in the fast lane and the parked cars ahead of you will be screwed and now they’ll have to wait for you to pass. You did it! You passed all of those other slowpoke losers.
Take a moment and savor your victory. Taste the fruits of sweet driving nirvana.
Congratulations! You are now one of the biggest asshole dicks of all time.
Bundle this with your small print
An online ad for Qwest internet service says, “Connection speeds up to 7 mbps just $25 a month for 12 months.” That sounds pretty good. Maybe I’m actually interested. Ooops! Wait one cotton-picking minute. Underneath comes the bad news in grayed text and a smaller font: “When bundled with home phone service.” Ah, therein lies the rub!
Or consider Dan Hesse, the CEO of Sprint, the guy who inserts himself into his own company’s TV commercials, when he says, “Wouldn’t it be nice to get everything we offer for one low monthly rate?” Sure. I’d go for all that and a bag of chips. By the way, what is the rate for their “Simply Everything” plan? $99.99 a month for an individual or $189.98 a month for the “family” version (which includes up to two lines.) Fuck me! For a goddamn cell phone?????? Why doesn’t he mention those numbers in the TV commercials? Not exactly the kind of information that will induce one to sprint to the phone to order, eh?
Taco Bell (quickly approaching cliché status here in the abyss) is currently running an advertising campaign for something known as the “Drive-Thru Diet.”
How does a dictionary define the word “diet?”
“a regimen of eating and drinking sparingly so as to reduce one’s weight”
What does Taco Bell say about usage of the word “diet” in the fine print for this promotion?
“DRIVE-THRU-DIET® IS NOT A WEIGHT-LOSS PROGRAM … NOT A LOW CALORIE FOOD.”
Calling it a “diet” while at the same time claiming it is not a diet. Fiendishly clever, motherfuckers.
Or how about the local big box store? They run an ad that says “Everything is on sale!” with an asterisk. The fine print, of course, says something like: “Excludes housewares, linens and home electronics.” It makes me wonder how they can use the word “everything” for something like that. You keep using that word “everything.” I do not think it means what you think it means. Inconceivable!
The biggest bundle pusher ever, however, has got to be Charter Cable, one of the worst companies of all time. They can’t sell all of their cable TV advertising space, so they cram those unsold spots to the gills with commercials for their own shit. Which consists primarily of them hyping something known as the Charter “bundle.” They want you to “bundle and save” but the reality is that if you fall for the bundle you’ll end up sending them more money than if you had only ordered what you really wanted. On the plus side, however, Charter assures you that one of the benefits is that your bill will be “simplified.” Gee, if only there was someone who had control over the bill who cared enough to make it simple in the first place. Bundle up your cable TV, your high-speed internet and our crappy telephone product and “save.” Of course, bundling doesn’t change the fact that it is still the same shitty company. FAIL.
What ever happened to truth in advertising? Why are companies allowed to advertise using words that are absolutely devoid of meaning and are utterly false? Why does our government simply stand by and shrug as they do that? Advertisers shouldn’t be allowed to use a word like “everything” unless it actually means “everything.” I mean, come on! That’s the freakin’ purpose of that particular word! The fact is that our government doesn’t enforce jack shit on commercials except in the most extreme and egregious of cases. The rest of the time it is open season, and on who? Yep, the American consumer.
Stuff rules.
By the way, “He went to Jared” isn’t covered by the concept of truth in advertising. For that we desperately need the Anti-Hurl in Advertising Act or what I like to call AHAA!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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