Tag Archives: survey

Staff Infection Meeting

knife-chartI once quit a job over a staff meeting. True story. I’m sure it’s documented here on the blog somewhere, but long story short, they made us on the 6am crew stick around for a 5pm meeting. I asked, “Is it important?” Our managers assured us it was. “You have to be there,” they said.

The meeting started and the first item of business was rolling out birthday cake for our safety director. At 5-fucking-o-clock. It’s not like most of us would be consuming dinner any time soon.

Then, for the icing on the cake, the rest of the hour was consumed by our managers reading memos to us. Line-by-line. Word-by-word. Like we were in kindergarten or something. Memos that had previously been delivered to our inboxes. Memos I had already read on my very own. It was worse than an insult to our intelligence. It was calling us babies.

After the meeting I opted to go back to my desk rather than heading straight home. I sat there and wrote out a memorandum of my own. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. It’s a classic piece of Americana called the letter of resignation. I plopped that puppy on my manager’s desk and then called it day.

Good times.

In another place and another time there was another staff meeting. This one involved the quintessential management tool known as the employee survey.
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One-word employee upward reviews

Reviewing your own boss? Heh. If ever there was a failed concept in the workplace the “upward review” would be a leading contender. I’ve personally seen bosses be given copies of the reviews and slam their fists down on the table and yell, “Dammit! I want to know who said this, this and this!”

They tell you that these upward reviews are “anonymous.” So yeah, feel free to let ‘er rip. Speak freely! Don’t hold anything back because it is for the good of the company, they tell you. Yeah, if you are a naive trusting idiot!!!

Alas, I’m not willing to trust this sort of thing which represents just one more cat and mouse game in the ongoing battle waged against employees by their bosses. Sorry!

Not to worry, though, our company has no such system yet. The last thing management around here wants to know is what the front line employees think.

So, like I did once before in Job appreciation survey results, I grabbed my trusty clipboard and did my own survey! All hail employee initiative and proactivity! 🙂

This time my survey was short and sweet. All employees were asked, confidentially of course, to describe the boss in only a single word. The results are documented below and in no particular order:

  • Fake
  • #### (a four-letter word that starts with “c” – and no, this was decidedly not my response!)
  • Peremptory
  • Delusional

Now, based on these unbiased and raw results, what conclusions can we draw about this workplace? LOLZ mega-ROFLMAO!!

Based on this, they’d have to be unimaginably stupid to ask for upward reviews. So no doubt we’ll be doing that soon. 🙂

Job appreciation survey results

Researchers found 100% hatred of clipboards

The results are in!

I have just completed my unofficial survey of employees at the company where I work. This is a little subversive activity I like to do from time to time outside of the knowledge and consent of management. Heh.

Methodology

Employees are told their responses will be strictly confidential (except for the internet, of course!) and asked to rate their jobs in five categories on a scale of 1 to 4, poor to excellent respectively. Employee participation in this survey was 100% due to my hounding skills.

Overall Score: 2.08 (Fair)
This score is skewed by an extremely favorable response in the “Team” category. (See below.) If that category is omitted the overall score drops to a dismal 1.66. (Poor/Fair.)

Let’s drill deeper and find the areas of concern to our employees.

Job Security: 2.25 (Fair)
Most employees seem to be a least somewhat concerned about being let go and most don’t see themselves with the company long-term.

Happiness: 1.50 (Poor/Fair)
Only one employee (the newest) rated the company above the bare minimum. We obviously still need more time to bring this employee over to the dark side.

Management: 1.25 (Poor)
This is the category that fared the absolute worst across the board. Employees do not feel motivated by management nor do they feel the company is heading in the right direction.

Pay/Benefits: 1.63 (Poor/Fair)
This was the third highest-scoring category in our survey.

Team: 3.75 (Excellent)
By far the highest-scoring category. Misery apparently loves company. In spite of the best efforts by management some good people have found each other have been able to eke out working relationships that are not entirely toxic. A win-win in the finest sense of the word.

Survey Findings
This place sucks and we all know who to blame. Shit flows downhill.