Tag Archives: stupidity


outsideNext time on Biography

I’m on the outside
Lookin’ in

Oh I’m an outsider outside of everything
Oh I’m an outsider outside of everything
Oh I’m an outsider outside of everything
Everything you know
Everything you know
It disturbs me so

It’s trendy these days, or so it seems to me, for some among us to run around having conniptions of kittens because some law might apply to them and … gasp of horrors … they never had the opportunity to sign off on it first.

Well, la dee frickin’ dah! Who the fuck are you? Apparently I forgot that any one of me is worth a hundred of you. You’re special. You’re important. Me? I’m the official spokesperson for The Rest Of Us. Also known as the Wretched Refuse, the tired, poor huddled masses of the homeless, tempest-tost. I’m the elected leader of those not worthy to be ground to mush to fill the empty spaces in the waffle treads of your Nike footwear.

I’m the stranger in a strange land. As I look around and apply logic to what I see, the message comes in loud and clear. I do not belong.
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I’m Going To The Grocery Store

Can you see me? Click to enlarge. Source: Wikipedia.

Can you see me? Click to enlarge. Source: Wikipedia.

I’m going
I’m going
I’m going
To the grocery store!

They got edible cactus in a jar
Mixes and accessories for my bar
Breakfast cereal that comes in a box
Bagels, cream cheese and even the lox
Fruits thoughtfully sealed inside of wax
Winged feminine products sold in packs
Only forty-two varieties of Wheat Thins
Toilet paper with gels squirted in
Everything you ever needed and more
You’ll find it all at the grocery store!

A wise woman once said, “I learned a hard lesson this day. … [N]ever and I repeat NEVER EVER take Tom shopping again!!!” This person was my wife of two years ago. Not my wife of today. Apparently the two have never met.

Our story begins and ends in a grocery store…
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How To Destroy Your Employees – Case Study

It was a boss who thought employees should dress this way. Source: Wikipedia, Ticker Tape.

It was a boss who made employees dress this way. Source: Wikipedia, Ticker Tape.

Being a bad boss isn’t easy. It takes effort and skill. At first blush it may seem that being a bad boss is the easy way out and the path of least resistance. But, like most things in life, being a truly extraordinary bad boss takes a lot of commitment and hard work. There’s no such thing as a free lunch!

Sure, a lot of countries still allow employers to legally kill their employees, and you can certainly take that route, if you wish. But be honest. There isn’t much sport in giving an employee a love tap with a Luger to the skull. Real destruction takes a little more finesse and effort. Most employees have the potential to be worthy prey. Why waste that potential on a mere head shot?

–Excerpt, How To Destroy Your Employees, by Tom B. Taker, 2010

Today we examine a textbook example of bad bossiness. There’s a lot of bad bosses still on the fence. With any luck, by the time we’re done, they’ll have the tools to be the worst that they can be!
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Employees must not work naked

Image source: Wikipedia


To: All Employees
From: Management Team
Subject: Clothing Required

Next Monday all employees reporting to work will be expected to ware clothes. Your not to report to work naked. Clothes are things you ware that cover your body. This includes clothes for you top part, like shirts, and clothes for you’re bottom part, like pants. Shoes, also, for your bottomest parts.

Respond to this email, confirm you have received it, that you understand, and that you have printed and posted it by your computer.


Hey motherfuckers! Grammar much? I didn’t think so.

I paraphrased the last sentence. If you want you can also see the verbatim version.

I have one teensy weensy question: Has anybody ever fucking reported to work naked before? If not, just what problem in the name of Zeus’ butthole are you fixing here??? Fuckers!

The above parody is pretty much an actual representation of a typical communication from the management where I work. I’ve slightly changed the subject matter but the real content is only slightly less hilarious and infinity more painful. (I affectionately refer to the place as The Shithole.) Management loves big buzzwords like “multitasking” and a memo like this is an excellent example of the concept.

What is a “memorandum?” According to Merriem-Webster it is a communication that contains “informative matter.” In that case, EPIC FAIL. I am not “informed” by anything contained therein.

Let’s break this so-called memorandum down:

First, what is management for? To make decisions and fix problems. They get off on both. Yes, I mean that sexually. So much so that they love running around wasting their time fixing things that are not broken.

For example, we have had it beaten into us that we are to report to meetings with something to write with and something to write on. We’ve been told it is an “expectation” of the “CEO” (because he is way more important than us) and something we must “attend” to. (I put in quotation marks three of the boss’ favorite words.) Because being “corrected” by the boss is less fun that picking off scabs from your face, us grunts always report to all meetings with pen and paper. There hasn’t been an incident of anyone doing otherwise in years. Yet every fucking email about meetings says something like this (actual verbatim text from the other day): “We have a new policy and procedure that we will be training on at 11am in the store. Please be there prepared with pen and paper.” What could possibly justify treating us like such children? Well, for one thing, the consequences of no “pen and paper” are unimaginably unthinkable! Good God, someone might have to walk 15 feet back to their desk and get one or the other and something like that could possibly take up a whopping ten seconds or so. Can you even imagine the management team’s valuable time being wasted in such a way by a clearly inept employee? Inconceivable! We simply can’t risk that therefore employees must be treated like they are more helpless than kindergarten students. Also notice the subtle use of the word “prepared.” Don’t just show up at the meeting. No way! Show up and be “prepared.” Holy fucking shit! Where I work it is full-on psychological warfare at 24/7. They are sick motherfuckers.

Oh, and by the way, after we were given the all important “training” (what a joke) the management “team” asked if we had any questions on the material. I said yes, I did. Before that could take place, though, the boss’ cell phone went off and the meeting was suddenly over so he could take his personal phone call. Guess the training wasn’t that important after all! We all went back to our desks and the “training” was never heard about again. Gee, it’s like the meeting was more about management posturing than any alleged “training.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

By the way, I kept track of stuff that was so important that it actually needed to be written down. You know, to justify the emphasis on the pen and paper. How much got written? ONE MOTHERFUCKING WORD. One. One!!! I shit you not. Yes, apparently management thinks I’m too utterly incompetent and stupid to remember one single word. That must be why they hired me. What does that say about them???

There is one thing worse than being treated like shit. And that is being treated like shit by people who are stupider than you. People who have just a wee bit of power and love to flaunt it. These are the bad people AKA bosses. Sometimes I think they feel that if they act like dicks we won’t notice the incredible depths of their stupidity. Yet another bad idea on their part. It just makes us hate the stupidity even more. And these idiots are somehow in charge? More proof there isn’t a god.

So let us sing the praises of management, without whom we’d all show up to work naked and without pen and paper.

Having the best customers to service

Don’t you eyeball me, boy!

Who says you can’t have it all?

When you love what you do and you have the best customers in the whole world, that’s the proverbial “win-win.”

Oh yes, I’m one of the lucky ones. Because I’m the exact opposite of all that bullshit. I’m a 180 degrees kind of guy.

We’ve been open less than 20 minutes today and already I’m punching myself in the face for not owning an Uzi.

Outside on the wall by our front door is a 20′ sign that says the name of our business. Again, the little apostrophe indicates feet. As in: The sign is 20-fucking-feet big!

One minute after opening a customer walks in. This guy is ugly, dressed like an idiot, and based on appearance and smell, does not count Mr. Shower and Mrs. Soap amongst his friends.

Then he opened his mouth and demonstrated the power of his brain:

“Am I in the right place?”

Ah. That is the quintessential question we all ask ourselves, right? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Is this all there is?

No, his question was just a skosh simpler than that.

So many possible responses run through my head. One of the biggest, of course, is: “How the hell should I know? What in the name of fuck of all that’s holy are you looking for?” Let me consult my crystal ball that will allow me to look inside your head and see what you are thinking. Oops, it doesn’t work on things that small. Sorry.

His next question was even brighter:

“Is this Acme Corp?”

The bile was literally spilling out of my mouth by then. It had risen too high to remain contained. Gee whiz, asshole, what do you think? Did that fucking 20′ sign with our name on it give you any ideas? Why did you even pull into our parking lot, and by the way, how are you able to operate a motor vehicle? If this is an example of what the DMV issues licenses to we are all fucking doomed. Doomed I say! 2012 is apparently a euphemism for now.

I couldn’t help myself so I replied:

  • Dog grooming is down the street.
  • We don’t sell body odor.
  • If we converted your brain to gasoline it wouldn’t be enough to power a miniature motorcycle around the inside of a Cheerio.
  • Yeah, I hate dentists, too.

The worst part was, of course, that I had to stop dealing with my previous obliviot customer to help this guy. I had been right in the middle of processing ecommerce orders from our web site where customers do genius things like place multiple orders to the same shipping address.

Yes, sometimes customers want to buy more than one thing, so they do something like this:

  • Add first item to shopping cart
  • Click checkout
  • Enter billing, shipping, and payment information
  • Confirm shipping charge
  • Click submit order
  • Add second item to shopping cart
  • Click checkout
  • Enter billing, shipping, and payment information
  • Confirm shipping charge
  • Click submit order
  • Send angry email demanding to know why they were charged for shipping twice!

If you love shit, drop me a note sometime. Daily tours of the shithole I call “work” are available. Come see for yourself what the inside of an asshole looks like and personally shake my hand. (Don’t forget your disinfecting anti-bacterial wipes.)