Strip Maul
What has been porcine cannot be unporcine.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but bacon on a hamburger has been a thing for quite some time, right? Now fast food outlets are running advertising on steroids acting like it’s something utterly new.
Somebody better get this burger a little fedora. I smell a trend.
“Get bacon in your burger” a bulbous clown-head thing boisterously sings on TV.
Why? Is there anything even remotely new about combining hamburgers and bacon? Just how significant is the difference between bacon on a burger and bacon in a burger? On vs. in. That’s the eternal question, isn’t it? If the researchers at a fast food restaurant are to be believed, it’s certainly something to crow about. (Coming soon.)
First they demonstrate a freak of nature they’ve developed in their labs. It’s called “Bork.” Yes, he’s half beef, half pork. He’s a cute little critter that mostly looks like a pig, but has the markings of a cow and even horns. Talk about DNA recombinations and GMO!
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Kobe or not Kobe
Wrong Kobe, in more ways than one.
The signs were there, if one was enlightened enough to see them. You know you’re in a classy restaurant when the waiter hands you a game piece that reads “DO NOT OPEN” and tells you that you just might win $25,000. Also, this meal was going to be a golden opportunity to earn “triple points.”
Yep. Classy. No John Dory. No risotto. No Gordon Ramsay. Just class.
I ordered the “signature” steak but, alas, it was a rip off. There wasn’t even any writing on it!
I was about to leave to find a real restaurant that served a taco with a strip of bacon or “mighty” wings, but then I noticed something else on the menu.
A “Kobe” burger.
Shit. They sure know how to bring the full-court press. My buttocks clenched, which is just about the only defensive play I know.
Kobe.
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Shouts from the Abyss 
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