Today’s goal: Communicate what it’s like to drive in Portland, Oregon.
There are many transportation options for getting around in America’s “weirdest” city. You can walk. You can ride a bike. You can use various TriMet options like the MAX light rail, the bus, and street cars.
And, if you are some kind of gigantic douchebag, you can hop in your vehicle and drive.
It’s true. “Low car households” account for 60 percent of growth since 2005.
A low car household is considered one where there are more adults than cars. My wife and I are part of this elite group as we sold my car (named The Spaceship) when we hit town. There are two of us and only one car. We be greenies.
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Streets of a Certain Width
Note: I was going to entitle this On The Street Where You Shiv but apparently I already used that for a different post.
I’m not sure why, but the city gave the developer permission to make the streets narrow in the subdivision where I live. How narrow? If you are an expert driver and can balance your wheels on the curbs, you’re just able to navigate a normal sized car while hovering six inches above the ground.
Perhaps I exaggerate just a skosh. I claim the right due to umbrage.
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On the street where you live
At long last…
The way to the Abyss can be revealed. No more secrets, no more lies. My anonymous days are over. Hell, I’m even sharing a picture to make the Abyss homeland easier to find. Just set a course for the second star on the left and go straight on ’till mourning. (Not a typo. If you aren’t grieving you’ll never arrive.) If these instructions are followed to the letter you’ll end up at the location pictured, the intersection of Abyss Blvd. and Boogie Boogie Ave. Or what I like to call Home Sweet Home.
Marvel at it why don’t you? I mean it’s got it all. You’ve heard of a one-horse town? Well Abyss Blvd. consists of approx. 15 feet of asphalt and our very own stop sign. (We haven’t installed the bullet holes yet.) I’ll gladly admit that I often like to cruise Abyss Blvd. for chicks. To be honest it takes about one-half second at five miles per hour to complete the trip and that is more than enough time for the ladies to all reject me.
At one end of Abyss Blvd. is a steep embankment. A solitary red sign indicates the end of the line. Go this far, no further! You know, there be dragons and shiznit. And, at the bottom of that lonely red sign is an empty vodka bottle. I shit you not. It’s really there.
Okay, seriously, maybe this dead end street isn’t really the secret entrance to the mythical land I call home, but it is still a friggin’ joke. Really! Just look at it. My wife and I found it Saturday on the first day of our vacation. With a Google map in hand we drove three hours to the big city only to find that the exit that we needed was closed. So we took the “detour” exit and immediately got completely lost. We didn’t arrive at our destination but we did find this street. I immediately parked and leaped out of the car to take photos because, let’s face it, a street like that is right up my alley! (Pun intended.)
Why do I get the feeling that some city planner was just doing his job when he required the developer to put in this beauty of a street? Talk about red tape! The “street” even has its own name and already shows up on Google maps even though it’s not built-out yet. See over there? That’s where the McDonalds will go. And across the street there will be a Starbucks, Barnes and Nobel and a Waffle House where the locals can go to attack each other.
When local regulations require a stop sign on a “street” like this that can never be built further due to the steep slope (unless it will eventually lead to the fucking Bat Cave) then something is seriously wrong. Tea party, call me! You’ve got another volunteer here!
I immediately dubbed this street Abyss Blvd. and so it will remain always in my heart… Meet ya there!