Welp. I finally did it. I went and saw the Star Wars.
I think I waited the right amount of time. There were only 12 people in the theater including one annoying brat. These days that qualifies as the best moviegoing experience of all time. Even so, we still defied the odds and had one of the glowing-screen folk in our midst. Who says you can’t have it all?
If you haven’t seen the movie yet you might want to leave now. And hates you, I do.
Mothafukas! So much for that shit.
My operatives have obtained the writer’s and director’s guide for this new series including an advance copy of the script. This humble blog is the exclusive source for this information on the internet.
Eight Simple Rules For Mating My Mid-Twenties Plotter
Who says there’s no good news anymore? A wedding?!? For reals? Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah! I, for one, am ready for a healthy, deep-cleansing cry. Somebody get me a hanky.
Charles Manson, 80, and Afton Elaine Burton (using the known alias of Star), 26, are getting ready to say the big “I do.” Reportedly the State of California has issued these rambunctious youngsters a license to marry.
I was wondering about the rules in a situation like this. Here goes.
- No touching!!! Daddy horny, Michael.
- Write your own vows. I obtained an advance copy of Charlie’s. “If you look down at me you will see a fool; if you look up at me you will see a god; if you look straight at me you will see yourself.” That’s some deep fucking shit. I wasn’t able to get my grubby mitts on a copy of Star’s but I imagine it would be something along the lines of, “These shrooms are making me so high, man.”
- Sometimes a crazed look in the eye is more than enough.
- A single serving of Viagra is worth a carton of cigarettes.
- An appropriate color scheme is crucial to complement the swastika tattoo between your eyes.
- Scheduling early is crucial if one wishes to be joined together by an officially licensed Church of Satan representative.
- As a musician, Manson can also be the wedding singer performing his own original songs. No one should have to sit through that. (I offer my services performing the song, Halloween In Heaven; Christmas In Hell.)
- The couple wishes no gifts from this physical plane of existence (other than Depends) and asks that donations are made in the couple’s name to Toys For Tots.
Twitter-sized movie recaps. This week, Star Trek (reboot). Plot summary: “The Enterprise travels from Earth to Vulcan and back again.” #tsmr
—As seen on Twitter
Think about it! What was the plot – in a nutshell – of the recent “reboot” Star Trek movie?
Stripped down, it is basically this: The Enterprise travels to Vulcan. The Enterprise travels back to Earth.
Wow. Abrams really is some kind of wundergenius. Naturally I’m waiting to see what he’s got up his sleeve for Star Trek II. (He’s listed as a producer over on IMDb.)
Besides shaking the old school cameras, what else has he got?
This is what we know. (And by “know,” of course, I mean guesses I’m pulling out of my ass.)
Spock Jr. decidedly won’t be needing any pon farr. Certainly not while he’s pluggin’ into Uhura’s communication board. (How the new timeline caused them to somehow hook up remains totally unexplained, just like every other Abrams plot twist.) So we can forget about any pon farr scenes.
After successfully hitting so many “notes” in the first film, the movie makers will be tempted and unable to resist including many more. This includes:
- Chekov firing torpedoes.
- Uhura singing.
- Sulu fencing.
- Nurse Chapel hanging around sick bay, and perhaps trying to steal Spock from Uhura.
- The Enterprise bumps into Khan.
- Kirk defeating a robot with some wacky logic.
- Scotty claiming he canna change the laws of physics – and then doing exactly that.
- A Vulcan nerve pinch.
- Someone working out in the ship’s gymnasium.
- A food replicator making little cubes of gelatin.
- A humorous interaction with the ship’s computer.
- Yeoman Janice Rand bringing the Captain an iPad with gratuitous product placement bonus.
- Klingons with old skool bumpy foreheads and Next Gen pain sticks.
- A quick diversion into the Mirror universe.
- A tribble.
- Dr. McCoy claiming he’s a doctor and not a [insert best guess here] – most likely “Ship’s Counselor.”
- A transporter malfunction and/or amazing save.
- A tricorder.
- The birth of Jean-Luc Picard in a vineyard in France where his father is heard to exclaim, “If anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!”
- Tholians and their “web.”
- The Prime Directive will be broken in a bold move that will earn Kirk a citation.
- The fate of all humanity will hang in the balance so Captain Kirk can save the galaxy one more time. No lesser stakes would be acceptable.
Defying the laws of Hollywood physics, the next movie will not have any time travel elements. That will be a first in the movie franchise. This will widely be viewed as another groundbreaking move by Abrams.
A brief diversion regarding so-called “Notes”
I first heard of the concept of so-called “notes” in movie-making courtesy of George Lucas. To him, a “note” is doing the same shit twice. A note is a device for discouraging original thought.
For example, in the first Star Wars movie, aptly named “Star Wars” (long before any of that renumbering trilogy horseshit) a few things happened:
- Someone said, “Look at the size of that thing!”
- Someone said, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
- Someone said, “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Lucas, in a fit a pure genius, decided it would be wise to include those exact same phrases in everything else he made for the rest of his life. Those phrases appeared verbatim during a love scene between Han Solo and Leia Organa, but unfortunately that scene ended up on the cutting room floor. But Lucas was still able to get those phrases repeated ad infinitum all over the rest of that damn galaxy.
Here’s a little memorandum to George Lucas, the brilliant guy who wrote the Solo/Greedo scene and the douchnozzle who went back and ruined the Solo/Greedo scene: Notes aren’t notes. They’re just re-hash of the same shit!
Star Trek II – The Wrath of Spock
Captain’s log, Stardate 1312.4. The Enterprise and crew have been ordered to an area of space unexplored by the Federation, where literally no man has gone before. Our mission is to create star maps of the region. This is our first deep space voyage. Our new navigator, Dave Bailey, has relived Chekov who volunteered for cryogenic experimentation. Meanwhile, the further we travel from Earth, the more … human … my First Officer seems to get. I’m worried about my friend…
Here are my suggestions on the next Star Trek movie:
Spock is increasingly obsessed about the loss of his home planet, Vulcan, and he’s tormented by haunting dreams of his dead mother. His beliefs shaken by the revelation from his father, the Ambassador, that he married a human out of love, Spock is conflicted. Even inventing a 3D form of chess can’t relieve his anguish. (Technical note: That chess game is going to look soooo bitchen in 3D.)
Meanwhile the Enterprise is ordered to a previously unexplored region of space to create star maps. Starfleet Command envisions the mission as a relatively safe way to shakedown the ship and provide the new Captain and crew with valuable experience.
Out of desperation, Spock devises a plan to save Vulcan and his mother. He is well aware of the existence of red matter, and its ability to generate rips in time, but red matter no longer exists since Nero’s ship was destroyed, and it won’t be invented again for another 100 years. Spock theorizes that matter and anti-matter colliding could conceivably send the Enterprise back in time, but he lacks the computational abilities.
Spock continues to obsess about time warp calculations and his duties as Science Officer suffer, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Captain Kirk. McCoy interrupts a heated discussion between Kirk and Spock in the Captain’s Quarters. Spock reveals his plan save Vulcan and is expressly forbidden to pursue the research by Kirk.
Rebuffed, Spock retreats to his quarters and tries in vain to meditate, only to realize he knows of a place where he can obtain the knowledge needed for his plan. He knows that Kirk met future-Spock on the ice planet and reasons that a mind meld between the two must have taken place. Spock realizes that he can access scientific knowledge from future-Spock indirectly through Kirk’s mind.
Spock isolates Kirk and a terrible fight takes places. Kirk is defeated by Spock. Spock initiates the mind meld and gains the knowledge he seeks, and something more, something unexpected.
As part of a science experiment in cryogenic freezing, Chekov is thawed out. Later, the Enterprise encounters the SS Botany Bay drifting in space. Using knowledge acquired from the experiments on Chekov, Dr. McCoy is able to thaw out Khan Noonien Singh, one of the word tyrants from Earth’s past.
A three-way battle for control of the Enterprise erupts. Spock initially seizes control but at the last minute aborts his plan to join forces with Kirk, because only together can they defeat Khan.
After Khan gains irrevocable control of the ship, an unbreakable friendship will be forged and there will be some tough choices to be made to save the ship and determine the fate of all mankind…
Sorry. That’s where my creativity ends. At least for today. Oh yeah, they also drop off Navigator Bailey with Ron Howard’s brother AKA “Balok.”
I’ll need just a bit of tranya to finish my screenplay. To that end, I propose a toast!
As a kid, I used to lay awake and think
When was Santana gonna make a drink?
But now I’m all grown and my dream came true
Santana tranya, from Beta Quadrant to you!
Editor’s note: We realize we have violated the nerd precept that Star Trek and Star Wars can’t be mentioned in the same post but we’re out of time to edit. Deal with it.