Insectisauce
An obsequious guru seeks some sauce in kitchen stadium. ALLEZ CUISINE!!!
As I write this I have butterflies in my stomach…
It is time to regale a simple tale born hatched of humble beginnings. A tale years in the making. It’s a tale that will turn your stomach. And it is one that must never, ever be told. So keep reading. You’ll be glad you did.
Two drosophila walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” One points at the other and says, “Ask him. He’s supposed to be the genus.”
–Tom B. Taker
For once I will set aside petty narcissism and histrionics. The tale is too damn important. It must not be tarnished by cheap tricks or overt grabs at drama. So the telling will be without hyperbole. It will be simply told. I want this post to stand the test of time so future generations thousands of years from now will truly appreciate the moment and say things like, “That shit is fucked up. Can this even be real?”
Come. Let us retire to the Puparium and I will tell the tale anon.
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Al Dente
This might be first in a series of post we’re calling Ten Years Of Marriage. We’ll see how it goes. –Ed.
Al Dente? Who the hell is he? LOL! No, he’s not a person. He’s a thing. Al dente is actually Italian. It means “this bites.” (Disclaimer: This is a guess. I was too lazy to google. –Ed.)
In honor of my wife asking me to think about what I’ve learned during ten years of marriage (our anniversary is next week) I thought really hard and remembered spaghetti.
That’s using the old noodle!
My wife, although technically not a “chef,” is nonetheless extremely accomplished and talented in the kitchen. She really knows how to cook. Naturally this is both good and bad. Good in the sense that there are a lot of good eats. Bad in the sense that every meal dirties every pot, pan and kitchen implement in the house.
It’s bad in one other small way. It’s such a slight of a trifle that it’s almost not worth mentioning. Almost.
Every single thing I do is wrong. In the kitchen, I mean.
So there I was this one time making spaghetti. That means I had dumped some packaged noodles in a pot of boiling water. To me that’s “cooking.”
As was often my wont, when the timer went off I picked up the pot and dumped the noodles in a colander in the sink.
My wife saw. “What the hell are you doing?” she yelled.
Oh shit. Little Tommy in trouble.
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Hi I’m Tom B. Taker
Source: Photo Monkey (Flickr)
I’m a guru of negativity. I love avoiding people, spending time with my cats, volunteering for one-way missions to Mars and eating tamed jalapeños.
I’m Tom B. Taker and I’m an Atheist.
About Me
When I was young, growing up was hard. On all of us. But especially me. Every day I’d wake up one day older and closer to death. It was during those years that I originally learned that negative thoughts could ensconce and protect me like a warm blanket of pee.
At an early age I was told I would never amount to anything. I adopted that as a core value and proved the naysayers right. I listened to voices in my head, lived my life accordingly, and earned a lot of “participant” ribbons along the way.
Since then, I have learned the most humans are truly despicable creatures. Since the age of 16 I have pursued my dream of being oppressed and discovering everything that is shitty about the workplace and bosses. When it comes to experiencing the underbelly of capitalism and arcane power-based relationships in the quest for the acquisition of wealth I am proud to say of my career, “Mission Accomplished!”
Why I am an Atheist
I realized pretty early on what a force religion could be and when I saw how that force worked, I realized I wanted no part of it. After a time in my life where I’d believe almost anything and fell for several different religions in quick succession, I sobered up and realized that none of that stuff ever felt right to me. I simply didn’t believe. Over time I learned that this sort of belief was known as atheism and I took to it like a tormented parent forced to kill a demon-possessed child. The more I paid attention to the world around me and how it worked the stronger my faith became.
Also, that whole “I’m a Mormon” campaign thing. That pretty much pushed me over the edge. Like the media blitz they are currently conducting in London tube stations and buses. Wondering in awe at one of the most secretive organizations in the world spending so much wealth on advertising helped answer a lot of my questions.
How I live my faith
Unlike my faithful friends across the aisle, I try to treat each person I meet with dignity and respect. One way I do this is by not shoving my beliefs down their throat. Like an idiot, I also strive to live by the golden rule, even to the folks who always seem so busy yet always willing to take the time to tell me how, one day, I’ll be rotting in Hell. I foolishly believe that this world should be as good and fair as possible for all people, and not just a privileged few.
Rather than believe everything I hear, I embrace the principles of logic and science, and attempt to be a critical thinker when analyzing the world around me. My goal is to see the world and all of reality as it is, unfiltered by dogma, programming, parental garbage, and cultural idiosyncrasies, and so-called ancient wisdoms passed down from generation to generation.
Tom B. Taker lives in an abandoned lighthouse in Oklahoma with his two cats and enjoys eating Mexican food.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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