Brevity is: Puzzled
999 puzzle pieces on the wall
999 puzzle pieces
Take one down
Pass it around
We’re doomed
I don’t do puzzles. But Friday was “National Puzzle Day” and the wife insisted.
From out of nowhere she produced a 1,000-piece puzzle. It was a photograph of candy wrappers. It was used. I moaned, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
Brevity is: Bundylands
Introducing a new series entitled simply: “Brevity is.” I’m tackling subjects and keeping things as short as my temper. -Ed.
Cattle rancher Cliven Bundy has a bone to pick with the federal government. What’s his point?
Paraphrased in my own words it’s something like this:
It’s always been this way. Therefore it can’t be changed.
Refresher: Law is an arbitrary human construct. Everything is subject to change. Even the U.S. Constitution includes a procedure for updating itself.
How To Be Livid
I will feast on your soul.
Prattling on about this nonsense and that is all well and good, but the time has come to put lofty ideas into action. It’s time to be livid.
Pro Tip: You may want to keep some napkins handy just in case veins on your forehead pop.
Sometimes life will lope up on you from behind and give you ample reasons to be angry. Sometimes (although I can’t imagine why) you aren’t even in the mood to be angry yet life will foist itself upon you regardless. It will literally force you to be livid against your will.
True, those are sublime experiences, but they do tend to be rather random and when the chips are down, you really can’t count them.
So, what to do? Take matters into your own hands, of course! With my tried and true techniques, and a bit of practice, so you’ll soon be livid with the best of them, as often as you want and when you need it the most.
Sound too good to be true? It probably is. See? I can feel it working already!
Continue reading →
Satan’s Game – For the Horde!
Santiaga. The dangerous and sick alter ego of a person running for elected office.
Now this is when it gets interesting. … kerchunk … kerchunk …
The GOP found out that a Democratic candidate for elected office in Maine played a little computer game known as World of Warcraft (WoW).
It wasn’t something the candidate ever tried to hide.
How did the Maine Republican Party respond? By launching a website that seeks to portray the candidate as some kind of a sick freak. They tried to portray her in-game character as a dangerous real life (RL) thing.
Ominous. She’s a level 85 Orc Rogue that specializes in “assassination.” And she likes to stab things! Is that what we need in Maine politics? In the online game she gets away with “crude, vicious and violent” comments.
Maine needs a State Senator that lives in the real world, not in Colleen’s fantasy world.
–Maine Republican Party website
Yeah! I mean why the hell can’t she go out and just get a mistress like a real Maine politician??? Zumba is was more RL than the sick fantasy of WoW, right?
As always, this got me to thinking. What games have you ever played, you sick freaks???
Continue reading →
Hello in a Restaurant
My wife told me to be short when writing. I told her my height doesn’t change.
When I walk in a restaurant, I don’t expect much. But I do like to be greeted. A little eye contact. The word, “Hello.” This should be from the first person who sees me. If even a single employee walks by and gives me the “I pretend not to see you because greeting customers is not my department” then I become irritated.
I understand that employees in a restaurant may be busy. Hell, they may even not be poised at the ready saying, “Tom should be here any minute. Look alive, people!” All it takes is a second to say, “I’ll be right with you.”
Above all else I’m a reasonable guy.
Without eye contact, a greeting and a friendly “I’ll be right with you” I can wait about two minutes before saying (to myself), “Fuck this place!” For every employee who gives me the “not my department” routine you can take a minute from that time.
If greeted, though, I’ll happily wait five minutes or more.
Then there’s this other guy…
My wife and I were in the restaurant, already at a table, enjoying our lunch. A guy walked in. I’m not sure why but he caught my eye. It might have been the way he bellowed.
He strode in, stopped a few feet inside the door, which had just closed behind him. He then waited 1.5 seconds without being helped. No wait staff was in sight. Then he bellowed, “Hello???”
Every head in the restaurant turned. Forks dropped to plates. Everyone was stunned. What the fuck was going on here? It’s rather unusual to yell like that. Something must be up.
A waitress ran from the back. I watched the whole thing go down. I was zoomed in. I had the tunnel vision.
“What are the hours of the haircut place three doors down?” the man demanded. “Their door is locked.”
Ah. I see. You obviously saw our sign that reads, “We help customers from all businesses that are not are own.” Yeah, why don’t you go fuck yourself?
The waitress, who is naturally a nice person, tried to help. “You see, we don’t know about that. That’s like a whole other business. They don’t check in with us. We have no information.”
The guy angrily strode out.
This is the planet I live on. A planet where people like that exist. Then, as we were leaving, the guy came back in for more! I gave him laser beams of death as we fled the building. What an enjoyable meal. Speaking of meal, I would very much like to feast on his soul.
Hey, look. This was less than 500 words.
Real class and warfare that go together
The end of Scott Patrick Wilson's life
Do you remember what you were doing on Feb. 12, 2010? Me either. The only record I have of that date is a lame post about Valentine’s Day and chocolate. While the biggest worry in my life was some inane holiday, a 23-year-old young man was having his life terminated by an asshole of gratuitous evil.
On Feb. 12, 2010, it is reported that a man named John Goodman (no relation to the actor) was driving in his Bentley convertible. He ran a stop sign, smashed into a car being driven by 23-year-old Scott Patrick Wilson, and fled the scene. Wilson was left for dead, in his overturned car and at the bottom of a canal. The accident ended Wilson’s life.
Goodman was found later and had a blood alcohol level that was twice the legal limit.
The catch? Goodman is rich. Filthy rich. He inherited his wealth from his daddy. I checked prices on Bentley convertibles and they can cost a couple of big ones. The hundred-thousand variety of big ones.
The douchebag plead “not guilty” to a charge of vehicular homicide and currently awaits a criminal trial.
Continue reading →
Michael Vick’s Hail Mary to Atlanta
File this one in the, “Wow. All I can say is, wow!” department.
When we last heard from our hero The Vick he was courageously accepting an award from his teammates recognizing his tremendous “courage.”
On Feb. 10th Vick told an Atlanta radio station that during his time with the Atlanta Falcons he had been “complacent” and “lazy” and that he “settled for mediocrity.”
Booyah!
Game, set, match. Or touchdown. Or whatever. Take that, Atlanta. Your move, creep. While Vick was supposed to be the “future” of the franchise he was complacent, lazy and mediocre. Nicely done. I guess the animal cruelty stuff was just the sprinkles on top.
Also, Vick’s reality TV show premiered earlier this month on Feb. 2nd. “The Michael Vick Project,” a 10-episode docu-series, is airing every Tuesday at 10 p.m. on BET. If you are simply too busy to go through the hassle of selling your soul to the devil then be sure to tune in. The show is an method of arranging your own self-service purgatory before cashing your ticket for a bus ride to Hell. Personally I’d at least attempt to leverage a fiddle made of gold out of the deal, but that’s just me.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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