Happy Holidays from the Abyss
Rare first edition misprint containing the word “Christmas.” Mint in package. Because who would open that shit?
I recently updated by bio to include “singer” and “songwriter.” My dishonesty is your pain. This is where you pay for tuning in.
Behold, the newest member of the Abyss family. A humble little ditty called “My Christmas Song.” Be advised: You should not listen to this.
Fun fact: I was channeling Burl Ives when I laid down the vocal tracks.
Now please enjoy this, my gift to you. It’s the gift of time in the form of one minute of your life you’ll never get back.
Happy holidays!
No GMO Mash
I was working in the slaboratory late last night
When I got hungry and went in for a bite
Then suddenly to my surprise
The corn winked at me with its own set of eyes
It Was Almost Like A Song
I’m not going to lie to you. This image has nothing to do with this post except it will one day be featured at a funeral home in place of my face for my Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. I will remain anonymous to the bitter end.
Nothing too heavy today…
And, regarding my beloved chemical suit, I leave that to … what? Are you kidding me? None of you get that. I’m taking it with me. Bury me in it!
—The Last Will and Testament of Tom B. Taker, Chapter 1, Section A, Article 1
As most of you know, I have been busy most of the last few decades planning my wake. A wise man in a Stephen King movie once said, “Get busy living or get busy dying” and I took to that advice to heart like a leading a guru to tequila and telling him not to drink.
Of course this planning primarily took the form of picking out songs that participants (guests? attendees? celebrants? wakers? invitees? z-list celebs?) would, at least once, get to enjoy my eclectic taste in music.
I thought it was a pretty good plan. Besides, nothing pleases me more than the thought of people coming together to remember my life and having to listen to some random songs while they are left to ponder, “What the hell is this crap supposed to convey to us about Tom?” Ha ha ha! Suffer!
Then, this week, in the name of research, I attended the memorial service for a gentleman I knew and I thought to myself, “See? This is what happens when you fail to plan and allow your loved ones to pick the music on your behalf.”
Actually, I didn’t really know the man that well. He was the father of one friend and the husband of another. After attending the service I have to say I regret not knowing him better. He was a great guy, the kind who would give away the shirt off his back, always with a warm smile at the ready, and the sort who could cheer people up even when the chips were down.
I also knew him from the liquor store where he seemed friendly enough as he handed me bottle after bottle for several years before he got sick. See? We just went full circle. From tequila to the liquor store and back again. That’s what this guru calls the circle of life.
This post will document the set list that was used to send this soul on its way back home.
Continue reading →
Massive Aggressive
Note to self: Save this as a draft. Not ready for prime time yet! Perhaps it’ll make a post someday. It’s a good start, just needs to be a bit longer. Which direction should it go? Tantalizing possibilities here. Perhaps a bit too positive. Make it more edgy. Better use caution. Goal: 42 more verses. And a chorus. Don’t forget LSD.
Ain’t nobody gonna push me around
My feet are planted and my fists are coming down
If you ever try to penetrate this zone
I’ll put in you a bag and send your body home
Musical Pie
The premise of this game is simple. I turn a song into a pie chart and you identify the song. I’ll try to start things off easy and then make them harder as we go along. Register your guesses in the comment section below.
If you enjoy this sort of thing I’ll keep pondering to come up with more songs for another post in the future.
Correction: I made a wee lyrical error in Song 3. It has been corrected. My apologies if this made you scrunch your brain. -Ed.
Song 1
Singer/Songwriter Tom B. Taker
Tomorrow Is October
By Tom B. Taker
Tomorrow is October
Ho ho ho!
Only a few more months
Until the snow
Tomorrow is October
He he he!
I just cut down
My Christmas tree
The Real Ultimate Christmas Song, I Promises!
My apologies but previous reports about finding the ultimate Christmas song were in error. I have found the ultimate Christmas song.
This song quite literally brings the, “Ho ho ho!”
Note: Carmen, ignore the twang and focus on the words. They’re so beautiful!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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