Man To Man?
A wise person once said, “I feel in need of a long, hot shower.” Yep, that’s the most recent comment on this blog as I sit down to work on this post and a fitting way to start. Yesterday’s topic decidedly left me wanting the same.
The key word in the opening statement is “hot.”
Q. What goes in the toaster?
A. Bread, you idiot.
Q. Do you sell any hot water heaters?
A. No, you idiot. You don’t need to heat water that’s already hot.
Ah. So we’ll need a water heater if we want our shower to be nice and toasty.
We’ve lived in the big city for eight months now. During that time the hot water has had a rosy hue. Kind of the like the candy apple red on the car in the movie Corvette Summer starring Mark Hamill. We’ve been showering in rust.
The water heater, circa 1985, was almost 30 years old. My wife finally convinced the property management company to put in a new one. They were sending over their man to install it.
The big day came and I listened out of the corner of my ear, working on my computer, safely ensconced in my office, as my wife met the guy and they set about the task. Everything seemed to be going fine.
Until…
I went to the kitchen to get a refill on my coffee. The man saw me. Oh shit.
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From Russia With Bloodhound Gang
Under my crusty shell, what is there? A creamy gooey center. Obviously.
It’s only 8am and twice already I’ve used the word “gooey” to refer to myself. Is social media great or what?
Besides the goo, you might also see the creepy place where I have some strange likes and dislikes. One of those is the Bloodhound Gang. No, do not google them. Do not look them up. They are offensive as hell. NSFW.
And yet I still enjoy their music. They make me laugh. Yes, I’m shaming myself right now.
Puerile. Juvenile. Disgusting. Vile. Sexualized. The guys do things like spend a lot of time trying to come up with rhymes for the word “vagina.” (Spoiler alert: North Carolina.)
Have you ever been clubbed over the head by a piece of music? There I was, hanging with my son in his room, and he was playing his “music” like tin foil on metal guitar strings while some talentless hack screams indecipherably. That’s not “music” in my book. Oh how he loves that shit.
But then, I became aware of something else. A song reached out and grabbed hold. The lyrics were beautiful in their simplicity. “I hope you die.” Wow. This was different. Such elegant simplicity. This was good stuff. I was hooked.
And thus began my journey of exploration of the Bloodhound Gang.
The guys recently made a “splash” on their Russian tour. Break out the Stolichnaya and play the Russian flag drinking game with me, won’t you?
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If You Could Pee What I Fear
I think I shall try my hand and headline writing. Please indulge me for a moment.
Green councilman feels blue, quoted ‘yellow is way to take city out of red to black’
Colorful, ain’t I? This is part of my ongoing coverage to stream news of note.
Out of the Netherlands comes a story about an elected official with a novel way to conserve water: Pee in the shower. Councilor Bert Wassink is a member of the left-wing green party GroenLinks.
Wassink is on a quest to be Number One!
“When you combine showering and peeing and thus saves a lot of water and euros … why not?”
–Bert Wassink
According to Ad.nl, the average person uses 39 litres daily in showering and 36 litres “flushing.” Wassink stressed that saving clean water is good for the environment and also has a financial benefit.
When pressed, Wassink confirmed he engages in the practice, saying, “Yes, I dare quietly admit.”
Weird grammar courtesy of Google Translate.
Breaking the poop barrier
ZOMG. Yesterday we went to [gasp] Wal-Mart. Again.
My wife was invited to her cousin’s baby shower. Apparently there was a gift registry at Wal-Mart. My wife wanted to go, so we went.
Not to give away too much of the plot behind this post, but after about five minutes in the store, my wife was overheard to say, “The hell with this fucking place!”
Oh yeah. Now I’m interested. 🙂
The wife had it in her head to get cloth diapers. So to the baby section we went. It was the second time I’d set foot in that area of the store in my life. The first, of course, was the last time she needed baby shower gifts.
She searched and searched and searched and could not find cloth diapers. It was futile. I even helped her. The quest for cloth diapers was epic fail. However, I slowly became aware that there was a shitload of diaper styles to choose from, if you’ll excuse the pun.
Some of them that caught my eye included (and none of these are made up):
- Baby Dry – Erm. Isn’t that the purpose of all diapers? These ones were apparently for “newborns.”
- Natural Fit – Yeah, don’t bother with the unnatural fit diapers. What are you? Some kind of loser? Your baby wants comfort!
- Snug and Dry – Snug sounds good.
- Little Snugglers – More for the newborn!
- Ultra Leakguards – Um, yeah! Forget dryness. I don’t want pee on me!
- Little Movers – Apparently for babies on the go.
- Supreme Little Movers – For upper class babies on the go?
- Little Movers Jeans – For those delicate times you need your diapers to look like blue jeans.
- Swaddlers Sensitive – Helping a sensitive tushy sounds noble, but where is the snug, dry, blowout, leakguard protection?
- Extra Protection – This one comes with a secret compartment for your handgun.
- Premium Stretch – Your baby must be fat or a descendant of the Fantastic 4
- Boys Underpants – It’s still a diaper but you feel so much more sophisticated and older.
- Ultratrim – Lets air through, presumably to carry smells to innocent passerby.
- Ultratrim Baby-Shaped – OK, who’s the dumb ass that would ever buy the other kind?
- Cruisers Dry Max – Because nothing should say “chicks” like a diaper.
- Overnites – Apparently all of the others can only be worn in the day time.
- Preemies – Gentle umbilical cord care – need we say more? For those who just can’t wait.
- Pure and Natural – That refers to the diaper, not the baby. It’s not easy being green.
- Stages Swaddlers – Start at level 1, gain experience and work your way up!
Note: To keep this list from getting unnecessarily long, all diapers for dogs have been omitted.
Just how many frickin’ kinds of diapers do we need? There was jumbo, chlorine free, touch of aloe, super absorbent, super dry, sensitive, different stages, hugflex, soft and cozy, non-woven tapes, clothlike backsheets, cotton, breathable, gauze-weave fabric, caterpillar-flex, ultra-skin guard liner, mild cosmetic ingredients, super-stretchy closure tabs, and much much more. Just mix and match these terms and you can design your own new line of diapers fit for an American baby, the best babies on earth.
Any idea why the only thing we couldn’t find in the friggin’ story was disposable diapers? My gut tells me it has a little something to do with wanting you to keep coming back again and again for more. If you bought cloth diapers they’d sell much less of them. We must consume and dispose, consume and dispose. Nothing else will do!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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