All Your Contents Belong To Us
White represents content available on more than one service. Red represents content only available in one place, i.e., the stuff you actually think you want.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually not true) but I think I’ve figured out how it works. (I don’t just bitch, either. I’ll also include solutions. I’m proactive that way.)
- Netflix is the only source for Netflix Original programming: House of Cards and Orange Is The New Black.
- Hulu is the only source for Hulu Original programming: None come to mind but I do know they’ll have commercials.
- Amazon Prime has mostly the same shit.
- iTunes offers the same content but at premium ala carte prices.
- HBO is the only source for HBO Original programming: The Newsroom and Game Of Thrones.
- CBS is a bunch of greedy dillholes: Survivor and Big Bang Theory.
- MLB is the only source for most MLB Original programming but only if you have enough money. Otherwise they won’t even stream the goddamned World Series. (I was actually surprised by this, but only for a nanosecond.)
I prognosticated to my wife a long time ago that the days of accessing “content” would soon be coming to a close. This week we moved much closer to that reality. You like some shows on Hulu and some on Netflix? You’ll have to buy both even if the remaining majority of their DNA is essentially the same. Exclusivity is the ticket to getting customers to pay more than once. And make no mistake, it is all out global thermonuclear war on your wallet. That is the only thing that matters. They don’t do this for fun.
The Episodic Table of Plot Elements
If you have ever watched commercial programming on television you may already be aware of this, but sometimes the shows repeat plot points. Surprising but true. It generally works something like the instructions on a shampoo bottle:
- Hire a core troupe of actors and put them in a setting, like a meat packing plant or a sewer treatment facility
- Go through the episodic table of plot elements
- After a certain period of time, usually 3-7 years, replace the actors and the setting, like the actuarial tables dept. at an insurance company
- Rinse and repeat
When watching a show with my wife, within the first 30 seconds I’ll shout out the plot variation as soon as it is recognized. Trust me, she really loves this. “Oh, god, no!! It’s plot #42. Wacky birthing episode ending with a touching isn’t-that-thing-cute moment. I’ll be on the computer. Let me know when it’s over.”
Here’s a few excerpts from the episodic table:
- A previously unknown family member of a main character comes to visit for a short time (father, mother, brother, sister, child, etc.)
- A main character is extremely distressed because an extended family member gets engaged, married, divorced, is involved in adultery or illicit love affair and/or dies
- Two main characters are involved in a marriage proposal, wedding, break-up, divorce, adoption, pregnancy and/or birthing
Even with those three limited examples from the table the possibilities are almost endless. I bet they could be used to generate over 500 specific plots. Mother and cousin come to visit. Father and sister die. Brother and niece get engaged. Mother pregnant, father having an affair. Father pregnant, mother having an affair. Yep, the permutations are practically unlimited.
When watching Northern Exposure the other day I noticed one of the rarer elements. “Looks like #138 coming our way,” I shouted. A mute traveling performer had been courting one of the main characters for several episodes. Sagely, I predicted, “I’ll bet the mute guy is moved to speak in a moment that will be especially poignant.” It was so touching, that I nailed it, I mean. My wife couldn’t have been more pleased.
The episodic table easily applies to movies, too. George Lucas, for example, often calls crap like this “notes” that are repeated across films, again and again and again and again and again. Did I mention again? To make this point I’ll now transport you from one galaxy far away to a make-believe land of medieval sex, violence and political intrigue. It won’t require that much suspension of disbelief.
Or, as I like to call it, “A Note Ripped From Star Wars By Game Of Thrones.” Introducing element #78: The Fake Greeting.
Continue reading →
Hot Dog
This is day seven of The Dog Days of Summer, a Blogdramedy writing challenge. If you came here looking for quality content you are decidedly barking up the wrong tree. -Ed.
Hot Dog
by
Tom B. Taker
They thought he always wore his black suit and tie like a good boy. He had perpetuated their errant assumptions.
Sure he had issues. He figured anyone would resent being grown from stem cells in a petri dish. It felt so alien. They thought he was dumb but he knew what they said behind his back.
“Frankendog.”
Things would be made right. After the time warp party he’d unleash a pugnacious creation of his own. Rocky, designed with blonde hair and a tan, who’d been ordered to “stay” on his slab until unbosomed.
Frank ditched the suit and snuggled into his corset and stockings. Dr. Frank-N-Furter would show … them … all.
Blogdramedy’s The Dog Days of Summer writing challenge commands victims participants to author ten stories, ten days in a row, consisting of exactly 110 words each. All stores are themed based on dogs that she has pre-selected. For more information about the challenge and to view the work of other participants, please click the link. But only if you want stories that have real teeth.
Choke Hold – The Game Show
We’re back from vacation and apologize for being behind on responding to comments and stuff. We’re going to have to play a little catch up. In the meantime, we can kill a minute or two playing a new game show I invented.
Boss Or Artichoke? The Game Show – You Make The Call!
The game couldn’t be easier. We’ll provide a clue and all you have to do is answer “boss” or “artichoke.” It’s just that simple.
If you lose you’ll get a delicious treat as a parting gift. If you win, you’ll get a delicious beat down for 40 hours a week for the rest of your life.
Worth playing for?
Round One
Clue: Be careful – This can prick you!
Boss or Artichoke?
See? Wasn’t that easy? This isn’t so bad. Now we move on the bonus round where things can really happen.
Round Two
Clue: Large globes, inedible beard, thorny stem.
Boss or Artichoke?
The difficulty has increased but so has the fun. Are you ready for the final round of sudden death? Let’s go!
Round Three
Clue: You want to cut out the heart, dip it in a little mayonnaise and eat it raw.
Boss or Artichoke?
Remember, it’s not whether you win or lose – it’s how you play the game. If you didn’t get artichoke this time, don’t worry. There’s always tomorrow.
Better luck next time!
Survivor: Abyss Island – The Dead Reonion Show Part Duh
At long last, here it is. Finally, the wait is over. The Survivor: Abyss Island reunion show has arrived. The production team was been hard at work crunching the audio. We apologize it took a few extra days. It’s a dirty thankless job and many hours of blather were left on the cutting room floor. (This is the part where you thank me. This shit could have been longer.)
This is part two of the world famous audio interview.
Make the shark jump for the link.
Survivor: Abyss Island – The Dead Reonion Show (Audio!)
At long last, here it is. Finally, the wait is over. The Survivor: Abyss Island reunion show has arrived. The production team was been hard at work crunching the audio. We apologize it took a few extra days. It’s a dirty thankless job and many hours of blather were left on the cutting room floor. (This is the part where you thank me. This shit could have been longer.)
Following 39 grueling days on the island, my host/wife thought it would be a good idea to interview me proving, once again, her host powers went completely to her head. Like a freshly broken down cabazon filet I was grilled for 40 whopping minutes until I was crisp and completely blackened. I was too afraid to say no.
My wife even solicited questions from “fans” of the show. Poor lost souls.
Wearing only my tribe buff and a Survivor shot glass repeatedly full of tequila, my wife wisely got me mostly hammered before going all 60 Minutes on my ass. The interview lasted an interminable 40 minutes and has been broken into two parts. At the bottom of this post is a link to part one of the audio interview.
Make the shark jump for the link.
Cooking with Tom B.
The little hot dog that could.
I’ve been cooking all of my life. Mostly with food. And sometimes I even eat what I cook.
And guess what? I’m still here.
About six years ago, though, something happened that brought a dramatic change to my cooking life.
I married a woman who is “gourmet” in the kitchen. All of the sudden it was goat cheese (yuck), blue cheese crumbles (yum), and things like caprese salad and amuse-bouche.
I realized that my way of cooking was slowly being lost and that if I didn’t do something, it would completely disappear and then the world would forever be without that knowledge.
Thus the idea for my newest project: Cooking with Tom B.
I know what you are saying. What are this guy’s qualifications? Let me put that to rest right up front. I was taught by my father, inventor of things like his “world famous spaghetti sauce” and “hot dog juice soup.” I have taken his trainings and built upon them adding my own twists.
The focus of my show will be cooks who don’t have time, want to cut corners, and favor techniques that result in the least amount of dishes that will need to be washed.
Here’s some of what will be featured during season one of my new show:
- Tom’s Bonus Tip #1 – Curl your fingers back when slicing and dicing. Yeah, this is famous advice from chefs. But based on how many cutting accidents there are on cooking shows like Top Chef and Iron Chef by the “experts” I think this bears repeating. Most of the time you don’t want blood all over your food. You also don’t want to be emergency wrapped up like a mummy, then suffer through the high drama of “look at me – I can still cook even with tendons showing!”
- Episode #1 – No Salt of the Earth. In the series premier I expound on my theories of the American sodium-rich diet and advocate the modern salt-less kitchen.
- Episode #2 – Safety before Flavor. A special safety-first episode where demonstrate things not to do, like knocking knives off the counter on your bare feet, the proper way to wield a peeler, and avoiding painful skin on graters. Bonus product: Apron that says, “I’m the cook so fork you!”
- Episode #3 – Where’s the Particalized Beef? Making decidedly unauthentic ethnic foods like tacos? Then this episode is a must. I’ll show you how to cook ground beef while obtaining the smallest possible pieces that can still legally be called “food.” Bonus tips: Avoiding chunks. Shorter cooking time means less pleasing browning. Choosing the right fat content. Cold start.
- Episode #4 – Pound Sand not Chicken. This episode teaches time-honored time saving techniques for preparing chicken. I’ll show you how not to pound a chicken and how not to trim excess fat. Bonus tips: Not worrying about the hidden chunky and cartilage parts.
- Episode #5 – Attack it with Packet. Cooking takes too much time. That’s where packets come in. This show is our first broadcast on location, coming to you from Casa Mexicana (hosted by Lawry’s) at Disneyland, Anaheim. Dishes will include “Hot Taco” tacos (muy spicy), original style spaghetti, meat loaf, and, of course, sloppy joes.
- Episode #6 – Secret Ingredients Garden. Learn more about hidden treasures found in your neighborhood grocery story like mini cans of mushrooms known as “pieces and stems” and many more.
- Episode #7 – It’s all about the Ketchup. A whole episode devoted to my favorite condiment of all time. Pairings include: macaroni and cheese, omelets, hot dogs, fries, burgers, potato chips, tacos, hash browns, steak, fried eggs, cottage cheese, mashed potatoes, scrapple, onion rings, pasta, ice cream and tuna sandwich.
More episodes are possible depending on how many more things I might do wrong in the kitchen. Stay tuned and Bone Appetite.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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