I woke up first. Stealthily I slipped out of the covers like a ninja lynx. I tiptoed across the room. My wife was zonked and she needed to sleep in. With God as my witness I vowed to do my part.
On the bedroom doorknob hung the finest shirt that I owned. I have this annoying habit of putting shirts on knobs rather than hanging them up. It drives my wife nuts. I had worn it to a funeral the day before. My Sunday best consists of a black short-sleeved button-up shirt, the only blue jeans I own without holes in the knees, white socks and a pair of sneakers. Yep, that’s as good as it gets.
I wanted to keep noise out of the bedroom but I couldn’t close the door all the way because of the cats. They show great magic at doors that are closed to them and that would undoubtedly wake her up. So I gently nudged the door so it was mostly closed to help keep out light and noise.
In a good mood, I then proceeded to start my day. Little did I know it was already too late. The berg had already been struck. I just didn’t know it yet.
A few seconds later and my wife was up. What the hell?!
“What are you doing awake, my Queen?” I politely inquired.
“The cats were in the bedroom and they couldn’t get out.”
“But I left the door cracked just so that wouldn’t happen, my love.”
“Your goddamned shirt was in the way. They couldn’t get out.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“That’s not all,” she added.
I was filled with dread.
“They shredded your shirt.”
And, sometimes, that’s all it takes. Get out of bed and the hammer of life comes down hard and bone-crushingly shatters you, your dreams and even your shirt.
I looked at my watch. I’d been awake for 42 seconds.
When I was younger I wrote t-shirts. In 8th grade I wore the Star Wars variety every day for an entire year. Every. Single. Day. Yeah, I was out memeing while most of you were still in your diapers. You might say it was a sign of things to come.
Somewhere on the way to becoming a grumpy grandpa my practice of wearing t-shirts gradually fell to the wayside and was replaced by button-front shirts. Nothing fancy, mind you. I still hate clothes. But if I have to wear them at least give me a pocket and a place to keep my pen.
That’s another thing. Somehow I picked up strange habits involving pens.
At one time or another I must have experienced a traumatic “lost pen” incident. I began to glom on to them. I’d spend a good part of my day concerned about the location and status of my pen. And may the heavens help you if you tried to walk away with it. You would be smited.
Continue reading →
Well all know what they say, right?
And so it went down right here on the blog.
When I got a wild hair and decided to start a blog, even I didn’t know that “poop” would eventually be the number one all-time tag.
And yet… The blog started on 09/24/2009 and by 09/28/2009, just five days later, the poop barrier had successfully been broken with the post Gold Nugget Economics: I’m gold, you’re poop.
And that was the start of the wild poop ride.
Somewhere along the way I noticed that “poop” was my #1 tag and I revised my “id” page to accept my sacred poop oath when I added this text: “It is my ongoing commitment to you, however, to do whatever it takes to always keep the word “poop” as my number one tag. That’s very important and I’m just not willing to compromise my bloggeristic standards in that area.”
Currently the tag cloud widget tells me that “poop” is still #1 with 51 mentions. However, “work” has come from behind to take #2 with a whopping 50 mentions. Whoops! Danger! My commitment to “poop” is under threat. I clearly need to step up my game!
Thus I give you a shirt that was somehow forgotten from yesterday’s Abyss-Mall post. It’s the “poop shirt” featuring the word “poop” in a festive brown color.
I think this shirt says it all with remarkable brevity. It lets the world know you are a force to be reckoned with. Poop brings an impact that is hard to miss. Poop demands attention. With this shirt you’ll be communicating at full throttle while using only one humble little word.
Poop in and of itself is not “negative.” In fact it’s a necessary part of life. You can’t have life without death. Good without evil. Light without dark. Yin without yang. Hot without cold. Female without male. It turns out that poop is important. Poop has its role to play even though the high brow will look down their nose at it.
And even though poop is vital to life, it still has the amazing power to convey negative properties which, of course, is why I’m in love with it as a vehicle for blogging. That’s while you’ll often find me driving around in the Poop Mobile. Poop just works. It is very effective at communicating highly complex ideas and theorems regarding negativity.
So pick up your poop shirt today and start rolling with style. Finally command the respect you deserve.
Two new items featured in the (theoretical) Abyss-Mall:
The sleek, stylish beefy tee let’s the world know how you feel. Short and sweet with stark elegant simplicity. Show up in this shirt and you’ll be the strife of the party, silently judging and rating everything you see. Reek of negativity!
Election campaigns are no time to scrimp on negativity. In fact, if you’re not careful, your crafted message of negativity may get lost in all of the election hoopla. Well no more! Sum up your negative political feelings with this new radical anti-establishment tshirt. Whatever it is, you are against it!
Today’s idea: T-shirts based on over-the-top advertising hype.
Yes, some of these are intended to be ribald.
30 percent more free!
Now even more scrumptious.
New and improved!
Recommended by 4 out of 5 doctors.
Have me your way.
Positively has to be there overnight.
Chosen by choosy mothers.
Save now on love.
Fast! Easy! Very low cost!
Power, performance and speed!
Not sold in stores.
First time offered.
Enjoyed at home, office or car.
Delivered to your door.
Rent to own.
Limited to first caller.
Incredibly easy to use!