Attention food manufacturers: I could be representing your product online. Hire me and experience a whole new world of exposure. What would it be like? Here’s a little taste. –Ed.
“What is that?” some moron asked me one day.
I chewed and gulped hard. “It’s a ham and cheese sandwich,” I replied even though my mouth was still full.
“And what the hell is that?” they continued with their clever line of questioning.
“I’ll be happy to explain it for you.”
First find yourself some wheat. Harvest the caryopsis (a combination of endosperm, germ, and bran) and mill it to a fine powder. Add some water and a handful of single-cell microorganisms (species Saccharomyces cerevisiae), stir, let rest and insert into a high-temperature chamber for awhile.
Meanwhile kill a pig. Process the meat via curing, smoking or salting. Slice the meat thin.
Find a cow (preferably a female). Gather the white liquid produced by the mammary glands. Allow the liquid to curdle, then beginning mill when it becomes curds. Do this for a long while until the sharp edges of the curd pieces are removed. Allow to ripen. Finally, process the whole thing with additional cow white liquid, salt, preservatives and food coloring. Shape (wheel or loaf) and allow to harden. Be sure approx. 10% or less of the final product is mold. Slice into thin pieces.
Using the same white liquid, agitate forcefully until the fat is separated from the rest. To the fat add salt, flavorings and preservatives. Spread this substance on half of the baked wheat product made earlier.
Finally, take an emulsion of oil and combine in a blender with the golden-yellow part of the chicken reproduction process and vinegar or lemon juice (your choice). Spread this on the remaining wheat product.
Stick the processes thin meat and thin pieces of white liquid mold between the wheat product pieces. This entire assembly is known as a “sandwich.”
Optional: Fry the whole thing in a skillet, if you wish. It can be served hot or cold.
Note: You can skip the “find a cow” sections by purchasing Kraft Singles which adds the following additional ingredients: milk, whey, milk protein concentrate, milkfat, sodium citrate, contains less than 2% of calcium phosphate, whey protein concentrate, salt, lactic acid, sorbic acid as a preservative, cheese culture, annatto and paprika extract (color), enzymes, vitamin d3. (Source: Wikipedia.)
In the morning you slather on the mayo fully anticipating a world of wonder but come lunchtime you are left with limp, soggy bread and an underwhelming mastication experience.
The secret lies within a complex scientific phenomenon known as “mayonnaise viscosity.” Or, as we like to call it, MV.
What if I told you there was a way you could have your mayo and eat it, too? Now how much would you pay?
Introducing new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets with MV Technology. Our flavorologists have taken the humble mayonnaise packet and – finally – turned it into something that’s actually useful.
Traditional packets have to be opened and squirted to deliver their contents to the target area. This is time consuming and messy. Has this ever happened to you? And driving a car? Forget about it! That mayonnaise might as well be in the jar back home.
But with Mayo Kibblins you just place it and go. So easy even an American can do it!
Here’s how it works:
Regular mayonnaise packets are made from non-biodegradable materials like lead, arsenic, butter flavor and nuclear waste. But Mayo Kibblins packets are specially designed to be eaten. The secret is the micro-thin layer of bioengineered edible husks from Monsanto that are powered by pass-thru nanites. Simply put: You don’t have to open the packet because it is designed to be eaten. Take that, silica gel!
When bitten, these husks invisibly break down and allow the creamy white sauce to squirt right out – into your mouth, sandwich or wherever you need it to go! No more mess. No more fuss!
The result is the most viscous mayonnaise flavor you’ve ever experienced. And since the husks are flavorless, your sandwich is as delicious as ever. Husks will soon be available in 42 different texture profiles to enhance the chewing experience, too. Want horseradish “mouthfeel” only without the bite? No problem! Mayo Kibblins can handle that job with style.
Look for new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets today in drug stores, hardware stores and wherever fine pool chemicals are sold. (Not available in grocery stores.)
Today I try my hand at a bit of modest Condescending Wonka Meme generation. I hope you LOL FTW! I’ve heard of a Baker’s Dozen before. Now we learn that a Subway Dozen equals 11. Good to know!
Say it with me. It just rolls off the tongue. State Farm.
Think about it, though. “State.” And “Farm.” State Farm. The name conjures up images of a government run co-op. Yet it’s an insurance company.
A commercial they’ve been running recently shows three guys chillin’ around the house. Suddenly their ribald conversation is interupted by a baseball crashing through the window. No problem, says one of the young men. He sings, “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.”
Poof! A pretty, vivacious agent is standing in the living room. “Hey, Dave,” she says. Wow, she even recognizes her customer! And she’s dressed nice, too, her shirt unbuttoned pretty darn low. I won’t even go out in public with my shirt unbuttoned that low.
The young men quickly realize the power of the State Farm jingle. So they bust out with their second wish and waste it on … a sandwich??? Seriously? WTF! That had better be one damn good sandwich.
Then the customer ramps up his game, though, into some good oldfashioned sexist kidnapping. “And the girl from 4E,” he says, and suddenly his hot neighbor is sitting next to him on the sofa, sitting cross-legged with her laptop. Apparently she was doing some computing when she was abducted by the guy’s State Farm agent.
The state is now set. The three young men now have two attractive females in their domicile and their sandwich. Everything is ready. The third young men now gets in with his wish.
“And can I get a hot tub?”
Woop, there it is! That agent must be holding one powerful clipboard, eh?
The baseball is forgotten and we all know what happens next.
As the scene fades, the announcer wraps it all up nicely. “Find out what else State Farm agents can do for you.”
So, if you live in an area prone to be hit by baseballs, and you like abducting women, sandwiches and hot tubs, make sure you consider State Farm as your insurance company.
Funny, back when I was a State Farm customer, I never met my agent a single time. She had legions of secretaries who did all that stuff. In fact, I never even talked to her on the phone a single time. And I can guarantee you she wouldn’t recognize me by sight. And when I did put in a claim, not only did I not get my wishes answered, they canceled my policy for the audacity of putting in a claim once. (Something that almost cost me my chance of buying a new home when no one else would cover me, either, after one claim in 20 years.)
And they call that being a good neighbor?
“Sorry, Bob. I appreciate you helping me with my house six times in the last five years, but when we made that deal my fingers were crossed. I’m afraid I can’t help you fight that fire right now. Survivor is on! Good luck, buddy. Let me know how it works out.”
Insurance companies don’t exist to grant wishes. They exist to take your money and deny claims. That’s how they turn a profit. That’s what they do.
A 2007 investigation by CNN reported that major car insurance companies, including State Farm and Allstate Insurance, are increasingly fighting claims from those injured by their insured members. In some cases the settlement proposed amounts to just $50 or the threat that any lawsuit would be made so expensive and time-consuming that it wouldn’t be worth the victim’s time. State Farm and Allstate have denied these allegations. This followed on the heels of criminal investigations by the states of Louisiana and Mississippi, which found that State Farm had wrongly denied claims stemming from Hurricane Katrina. (Source: Wikipedia.)
Perhaps insurance companies should make real commercials rather than ones that look just like a horny adolescent’s sexual Weird Science fantasy.