Elvis lyrics translated into English
The lucky sperm about to penetrate the ovum.
I have decided, as a pubic service, to run some Elvis Presley lyrics through the universal translator. I hope you enjoy these as if hearing them for the first time.
Doubt my qualifications? Don’t. I was literally married under a velvet painting of Elvis in the Graceland Wedding Chapel, Las Vegas, Nevada. (But not to my wife, mind you.) I’m qualified enough.
Now bring on the big romantic ballads…
It’s Now Or Never
It’s now or never
(Daddy is in the mood)
Come hold me tight
(I will direct the action)
Kiss me my darling
(This had better be good)
Be mine tonight
(This will decidedly not be a long-term relationship)
Tomorrow will be too late
(Parts of me are feeling blue)
It’s now or never
(No promises after the booze wears off)
My love won’t wait
(There’s a BP situation in my pants)
Wasn’t that fun? Are you feeling all romantic? Make the jump and let’s do one more.
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Walk On By
You didn’t walk on by this post? You pervert.
So, yeah, Hal David recently passed away. It was on Sept. 1, 2012. I was on another WordPress blog and they were discussing his passing and that he had written many hit songs with Burt Bacharach including Walk On By. I added to the discussion and said that I was pretty sure I had mentioned that particular song on my blog in the past.
It turns out I was wrong. There are apparently at least two different songs that share that same name. Who knew? And I was remembering the other one. Of course.
You know the one, right? It was co-written by Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Brett Favre, and Anthony Weiner, et al. It’s a romantic little ditty about a fellow walking down the street with his new girl. Along the way he spies his former lover that he’s still in love with and he gets a touching idea. Why not have his cake and eat it, too? Keep it a secret, but give the old flame the signal that his fire still burns. In other words, he’s ready for a little nookie on the side.
Brilliant!
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Whatcha thinking? Procreation recreation?
Someone asked me what I was thinking and this post represents what happened next…
This is also Throat Punch Thursday! Ole!
So yeah, never ask me what I’m thinking.
This is a two-part post. The musical interlude above was part one. Part two is more ribald. It contains frank discussions of sexuality and may be too intense for some readers.
WARNING – I’m not kidding. Do not make the jump if you can’t handle a little adult stuff and humor. Did I mention I’m not kidding? Just cut your losses and move on. Nothing to see here.
You have been warned. (I’m not kidding.)
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She Who Boots my Floppy
I love my computer
you make me feel alright
every waking hour
and every lonely night
I love my computer
for all you give to me
predictable errors and no identity
and it’s never been quite so easy
I’ve never been quite so happy
all I need to do is click on you
and we’ll be joined
in the most soul-less way
and we’ll never
ever ruin each other’s day
cuz when I’m through I just click
and you just go away
I love my computer
you’re always in the mood
I get so turned on
when I turn on you
I love my computer
you never ask for more
you can be a princess
or you can be my whore
and it’s never been quite so easy
I’ve never been quite so happy
the world outside is so big
but it’s safe in my domain
because to you
I’m just a number
and a clever screen name
all I need to do is click on you
and we’ll be together for eternity
and no one is ever gonna take my love
from me because I’ve got security,
her password and a key
Shouts from the Abyss 
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