Tag Archives: robbery

Proud sponsor of the American Scream

bank-robberI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: What of Mediocre Fred?

For newbies, Mediocre Fred is a decent, honest, hard-working guy. He doesn’t cheat on his taxes, obeys the law and is kind to small furry creatures. As such, he’s not exactly rewarded like a paragon of the American way.

Here in America we base our entire system of government on one simple principle: No freeloaders. You have to work for a living. As a nation we abhor the notion of those who work the system to get the promised land of freebies without pulling their own weight. Well, at least on the bottom end of the scale.

Mediocre Fred has worked every week of his life since he was 16. When still in school he worked part-time. After graduating with his high school diploma, he went full-time and has never looked back.

Over the decades Mediocre Fred has always worked. He’s had no pension, 401k plan, health insurance, vacation or paid days off. He just works. And when his fellow workers tried to unionize and the company closed and bulldozed the store and built a new non-union store across the street, Mediocre Fred always seemed to land on his feet. He’d just get a new job and keep his nose to that grindstone.

That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?
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We live in a society

I am here to restore your faith in humanity. If you believe that humans are a slug upon the universe and that Earth is the slime trail it has left behind.

Now all we need is a dash of salt and a pint of beer. (To be dumped on the slug.)

society: the aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community. “More or less!” Ha ha ha! At least they got that part right.

I read today from the Book of News, Human Behavior, Stockholm Syndrome, Chapter 6:

A “middle-aged” drunk man on his way home from a party fell off a subway platform in Stockholm, Sweden, hit his head on the tracks, and knocked himself unconscious. And, as luck would have it, a train was right on the way! You might think that’s the whole story, but wait! There’s more.
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I’ve got the Juice!

When life gives you lemons make yourself invisible and steal some shit…

Today’s t-shirt idea is a tribute to a bank robber from 1995 with panache and a fresh lemony scent.

McArthur Wheeler, age 45, 5’6″ tall and 270 pounds, was a man on a mission when he walked into a Fidelity Savings Bank, brandished a gun and demanded money.

There were two interesting quirks about his robbery attempt.

First, he made absolutely no attempt at disguise or hiding himself from security cameras.

Second, his eyes were burning, he had to squint, and he was having trouble with his vision.

About an hour after the robbery Wheeler was easily located and arrested by police, who had no trouble identifying the suspect from the surveillance tapes.

When interviewed, Wheeler expressed surprise at being caught. “But I wore the juice,” he explained.

Yes, during the robbery, Wheeler had covered his face with lemon juice. He was under the impression that coating his face with lemon juice would protect his image from being recorded by cameras. (Apparently he wasn’t worried about any witnesses identifying him later, either.)

Wheeler was no dummy. Prior to the robbery he had performed “various tests” including taking a self-portrait with a Polaroid camera. When he didn’t see himself in the picture, he reasoned that the juice must have rendered him invisible!

Later it was theorized that he simply must have aimed the camera poorly.

I loved the phrase, “But I wore the juice!” so much I decided to immortalize it in this t-shirt design. I would be proud to wear this t-shirt anywhere since I would also like very much to be invisible. It sure would come in handy. Squinty and painful eyes are a small price to pay for that!

This post is based on a story in the New York Times about a theory that some stupid people are too stupid to know that they are stupid. Or something like that.

The New York Times – The Anosognosic’s Dilemma: Something’s Wrong but You’ll Never Know What It Is (Part 1)

Stick me up on your way down

Here’s a bit of news in honor of 7/11 day

Two teenage girls exited the local 7/11. They were accosted by a 45-year-old transient who shoved one of them and made off with a disclosed amount of cash. (The loot was a five dollar bill.) The transient went into the 7/11 convenience store and purchased an undisclosed amount of beer.

The robber then exited the 7/11 and threw the change from his transaction at the teenage girls.

One of the girls then confronted the master criminal who then slapped her in the face and departed the scene on foot.

Police caught the suspect a few blocks away and took him into custody on charges of theft, robbery, assault and harassment. He was lodged in the county jail. It turned out the suspect was already on parole for a prior charge of robbery.

I’m personally offering to buy the arresting officers in this case a 128 US fl oz (3.8 l) Team Gulp in the soft drink flavor of their choice.

Remember, if your town doesn’t have a 7/11 store, then your town isn’t stylish yet.