Tag Archives: ring

I Do Jurassic

wacky-weddingThis month my wife and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. (She registered us at Home Depot if anyone is interested.)

Ten glorious years. How to properly signify such an event? I, for one, want to renew our wedding vows. Because, have you seen the Jurassic Park wedding photo craze going around?

It works like this:

First, get Jeff Goldblum to attend your function. Next, pick an expansive outdoor location that will make a good backdrop for your photographic for your marital hijinks. Prepare your guests so that when the photographer says, “Say cheese!” that’s their cue to act like idiots. Last, but not least, photoshop something into the background like a T-Rex or Olivia Wilde feeding her baby.

Viola! Say adios to traditional boring ceremony and hola to hilarious social virality.

For sprinkles on top I’m going to mix in some twerking, planking and, my personal favorite, on ongoing web-series where I recreate iconic photos from history like Marilyn Monroe getting her dress blown up. (These shots will be worth the wait. I promise.) We’ll also do lots of shots of people jumping in the air with brooms and looking like idiots from Harry Potter.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know if any record of our original vows exist. I remember the wife wrote some for her. I have these memories that I was supposed to do something similar. I totally remember her going on and on about it. And, I’m pretty sure I treated the event like a poetry slam and improvised some pretty impressive shit. True, we no longer have an exact record but I’m pretty sure it liberally featured things like “I love you” and “you are beautiful” and “I’m sorry.” Really good stuff.

The point here is that you have to make your wedding fun and memorable and viral for people other than yourselves. That reminds me: All wedding guests will have to grow beards and wear fedoras.

Or maybe we could forget all that, go green screen, and get J. J. Abrams to shake a camera and add lens flares?

This is going to be so cool! Truly the event of the season.

We’ll simulcast a live video feed of the event along with microblogs on Twitter. Sure my iPad will be in every shot but it’ll be worth it.

I almost feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah! Who’s my wife again? Because, it’s all about the special love between two people. Yeah, right!

Archaeological Institute of Abyss

Our scientists have made an interesting discovery: A hand-scrawled message, on a piece of yellowed and ruled piece of parchment, that we have dated as being approximately 10 years old.

wife-note

There are a few interesting facts about this artifact:

  • The artifact must be about 10 years old because, at the time of her wedding, my wife did, in fact, have a ring. This is proof the parchment predates the wedding.
  • I had the prescience of thought to carefully preserve the artifact and keep it safe all this time. I must have recognized the cultural significance.
  • No cameras from that time period are known to exist. Perhaps we’ll never know what prompted the author to put pen to paper.
  • My wife’s bare finger is simply not that interesting.

Few artifacts from that time period are known to exist. As such we’ll be forwarding the piece on to the Smithsonian, NASA, Martha Stewart or any organization willing to accept it and keep it on display for the public to enjoy. We’re open to suggestions if they all turn us down.

Phones in Restaurants: Call Hating

Press *42 for my fist in your face.

Oops. Once upon a time someone told me I’m supposed to swallow my violent tendencies. I no longer remember who that was. Oh well, must not have been anyone important.

Oh. I see I just failed. Let’s try this again.

Hey, everybody! I’ve got a great idea on how to handle to chum-bucket assholes with phones in restaurants!

There. Is that better?
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