A Vacation Proposal
Sorry. Not writing a post today, I am. Vacation on am I.
I better hurry up, though. I gotta be at work in a few minutes.
Does your employer offer paid vacation? No law requires employers to give their workers paid vacation days, but most companies do pay for some vacation days: More than 90% of all full-time employees in private industry receive paid vacation, according to 2011 figures from the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Wow. More than 90% of full-time employees have vacation time in this country. And, according to the BLS, that factoid only considers private industry, and they should know! As a government agency I’m sure they’ve got vacations squirting out of their privates. If you factor in governmental employees I’m sure that percentage grows to something about the size of the Death Star.
The beauty of a having a boss that feels vacations are superfluous for full-time employees is that they can never control your mind. I’ll take a mental vacation any goddamned time that I please.
By the way? Are you hiring? Be sure to ask for a copy of my resumé. Yes, you too can harness the power of guru and have it supporting your various nefarious schemes. To guru you listen. Harness power, you can.
Never one to be undaunted, I decided to intrepidly roll up my sleeves and see if I could make the power of maths help me with lack of vacations. You’ll be startled at the results I penciled out.
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Yesterday, during my exclusive coverage of the Yahoo baby flap, I neglected to cover a key point. So exclusive team coverage continues today. Besides, most of you didn’t even notice I posted. Perhaps if I cover the same topic two days in a row I’ll have a shot.
This week, Yahoo announced the selection of their new CEO. Marissa Mayer, a long-time Yahoo employee, takes over with a compensation package that will reportedly pay her more than $100 million over five years based on performance.
Marissa takes over as CEO of the troubled company and fills the position vacated recently by former Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson. In January 2012 Thompson became the CEO. By May 2012, Thompson was shown the door after questions were raised about discrepancies on the resume he provided. On the resume was a computer degree that Thompson did not actually have.
In other words, he lied. Or in modern parlance, he “padded his resume.” Or, for the cutsey among you, “resume malfunction.”
The reaction from Wall Street was interesting.
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Q. What’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys and the Hewlett-Packard board of directors combined?
A. I don’t know, but former Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson gives it the old college try (heh!) and comes very close.
In case you don’t know how to use search engines and/or you’ve been living under a rock, here’s the story in a nutshell. The details may shock you. This exposé will pull back the curtain and expose the disturbing realities of human behavior. Like lifting that rock up and out of the soil, the potato bugs and grubs are about to scatter.
There once was a man who wanted a job. And on that man there was a resumé. And on that resumé there was a lie. And on that lie there was a flea. (Oops. I went one too far.)
Yes, this is the age-old story of the American dream, because, yes, that man got the job. He was a bootstrapper who set his sights on the prime time. He pulled the trigger and got er’ done. Do or do not. There is no try. Bring home the bacon and fry it in a pan.
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Please sir, may I have another?
Note: This posting has a prerequisite. If you haven’t already, please watch the “Mama Compensation” video at the bottom of this post – and be sure to don your stolen Avatar 3D glasses to maximize the viewing experience. Don’t worry, it’s probably the best piece of sketch comedy you’ll ever see. If you don’t absolutely love the video I will personally give you double your money back.
“The only thing worse than having a job … is looking for one.”
–Kids in the Hall
And trying to both at the same time could literally kill you. Okay, maybe I exaggerate a skosh there, but job drama is my thing, ya know? 🙂
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.
Fuck. Seriously, fuck. I have got to get out of my current job. It’s time to get serious! In this case that means broadening my horizons outside of my comfort zone. Geez, I hate that.
So I’ve been up to some crazy high jinx lately. First I canceled my World of Warcraft account so I could concentrate on my resume. I know! This shit just got serious!
Somehow spending all of my limited free time trying to get epic gear for my level 80 undead rogue wasn’t making life at work any more palatable. Who knew?
I already have a resume, but something told me the resume pundits would call it steaming pile of shit. The only thing I knew for sure was that it didn’t seem to work. Around here, you can put out applications and resumes and never hear a damn thing.
So I turned to the internet for some resume advice. I quickly came across this bit of pundit wisdom:
People more often buy the best advertised product than the best product. … A resume is an advertisement, nothing more, nothing less.
Ack! Gag me with a spoon. What horrible tripe. [shudder] As I read that I knew I was in for a special level of hell. Okay, I get it. I’m going to have to change practically everything about myself for a chance at a job.
In fact, you are being foolish if you seek to convey a careful, balanced portrayal of yourself. You want to knock their socks off!
Ack! Bragging about myself is decidedly not my forte. My current resume is the poster child for conveying a “careful, balanced portrayal” of myself. Apparently my natural instincts are the exact opposite of what I’m “supposed” to be doing.
So I have two choices. The leading contender is to call the whole process bullshit and give up before I start. I have to admit. I really like this choice. On the other hand, that guarantees me more time spent on my knees at the local shit farm doing what I do best for my current boss.
I have no choice. I’m going to have to go for that other option. It guess it’s time for a negativity makeover. Wish me luck. 😦
Video: Kids in the Hall: Mama Compensation.