Tag Archives: red

The God #Wine

jesus-was-hereI’d like to start with a risky disclosure. [deep breath] Okay! Here goes! Hang on tight, this is going to be one hell of a ride.

In real life I’m not that entertaining.

I know, right?!

I have an analytical personality, specifically “INTJ” aka The Architect which includes, among other things, this telling description: “One Reflects More When Traveling Alone.”

Hella.

As an analytical type, I’ve often gotten into trouble in social situations after being asked a question, especially when I’m not prepared. A question stimulates my brain into “pondering mode” and my face goes blank in the same way as a computer that has been tricked by Captain Kirk.

To the person asking the question, I’m told, this comes across as rude. (Whatever the hell that means.)

(128 words in and the H-bomb has already been dropped three times in a post containing the word “God” in the subject line. Is this guy good or what? -Ed.)

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How To Get Away With Turder

special-diet-menu-labelsAt family gatherings we sort of take turns doing the cooking. In a nutshell, this basically means my wife does most of everything. When it comes to the kitchen she’s all about the get ‘er done.

I’m already thinking ahead to next Christmas and that I’ll likely make a dish. Perhaps something that I can’t pronounce like bolognese. Meat is definitely a requirement.

What happens when you try to come up with a menu to appease seven human beings, each with differing dietary restrictions, penchants, picadillos, likes, dislikes, preferences, predilections, disinclinations, propensities, and predispositions?

Answer: Exponential permutations.

Good news. It looks like we’ll only need 128 different dishes to satisfy everyone.

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Fireworks Cleanup Post #photography

We consider ourselves fairly typical Americans. It was a few nights before the Fourth of July, decidedly my least favorite night of the year. We were in our living room, sitting on our asses and watching TV. Like I said, typical.

Suddenly there was a boom. I looked out the front window and billowing smoke rose from our front yard garden. It had begun.

“Those fireworks are close,” I said. “Damn close.” The shit was literally raining down right on top of us.

On July 4th itself I went outside to see what the hell was going on. I saw one of those colorful bursts like you’d see in any major fireworks display except it was directly over my house. It went off about 20-30 feet over our roof. Two things were immediately obvious: Why don’t they do this shit above their own houses? They’re too good for that! And, wow, they are really good shots. We were being targeted.
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Oh Holy Blight!

It’s Christmas time. You know what that means. Bring on the “holiday themed” candies that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas!

I don’t know if Hershey’s Kisses were the first, but it feels like it. So I blame them.

With Kisses it was okay, almost acceptable, and maybe just a little bit cute.

According to Wikipedia, 1962 was the first year that Kisses were available in different colored foiled wrappers (red, green, silver) for the Christmas season. After that the sky was the limit: Easter (1968), Valentine’s Day (1986), Fall Harvest (1991), Independence Day, Breast Cancer (pink), camouflage, and more.

My god, when is enough enough?

Other candy makers, of course, couldn’t be content to let Hershey’s Kisses have all the fun. Tonight at the store I saw holiday-themed Butterfinger candies. Zoiks.

I saw Jelly Belly candy canes.

But, the topper of all, I think, has to be the “holiday gift packs” of Tic Tacs. These are friggin’ breath mints! I saw these at the store tonight, too. For a breath mint they sure took my breath away. Maybe that’s what breath mints do.

This thought immediately shot like a bullet through my skull. “Finally! Someone has found the ideal product that will, at long last, fill that aching void in the American soul. Thank God we now have holiday-themed Tic Tacs!”

I need to go to the mall. Stat!

“Hi Santa!”

“Hi Timmy! Have you been a good boy?”

“Yes!”

“And what do you want for Christmas this year?”

“World peace, daddy to quit drinking, my parents back together, and oh yeah, some holiday-themed Tic Tacs.”

“Ho ho ho, Timmy! What a sweet boy. You shall have your Tic Tacs!”