Tag Archives: red bull

The windshield and the bug

Here’s a little something I’ve been known to say quite often: The public is ugly. What do I mean by this?

Mainly it’s all about attitude. One that encompasses a sense of entitlement with extreme rudeness. We’ve all seen gigantic dill holes strutting around and treating people like shit. From time to time all of us may have even been that dill hole. Why is this?

My personal theory has to do with the school of thought that says “the customer is always right.” What a load of bullshit!!!

Most of us have been stuck in a dead end job at one point or another. And what, above all else, has been beaten into us with a stick? The old school paradigm “the customer is always right.”

This sort of saying is a tool wielded by idiots who think they are “managing” employees just by repeating some meaningless, old, tired, broken down phrase. Sadly these are usually the worst managers of all-time.

The phrase “the customer is always right” was originally coined as an advertising gimmick by Harry Gordon Selfridge, the guy who founded the British department store Selfridges. For more about the phrase and some excellent information debunking it as a way to achieve customer service, please see the excellent article Top 5 reasons why “The Customer Is Always Right” is wrong.

So what do we miserable employees do with this horrible mindset that we’ve had beaten into us for our whole lives? Naturally when we go out in the world we trade in our “employee hat” for our “customer hat,” and then we let the good times roll. We treat every employee we meet just the way we’ve always been treated – like our own personal doormats!

Indeed, sometimes we’re the windshield and sometimes we’re the bug.

Now we have the spectacle of flight attendant Steven Slater and how he recently quit his job in the spotlight. Now there is a guy who simply got fed up with the public and how ugly we can be. This raises an important question: Just how much shit is one supposed to ingest in the interests of keeping one’s job?

An article from CNN floated across my screen today on this very same topic and it got me thinking. Here’s some excerpts from the article:

“I used to be a flight attendant. I left just after 1.5 years on the job. I was tired of not being treated with respect by passengers and management. After all these years, I still remember this kid saying loudly, ‘Here comes the trash lady.’ His father was laughing next to him.”

“The flying public in America is the rudest bunch of people I’ve ever seen. In my short experience, I was cussed out, spit at, had things thrown at me, and [was] threatened with all sorts of violence. The traveling public believes they should be able to ignore rules and do whatever they want and you are a just a slave there just to serve them, that is until the plane crashes then you’re supposed to be their savior.”

They’re preachin’ to the choir! I’ve been saying this all along!

Here’s a video to illustrate the ugly side of “I’m the customer” mindset. Here we see a woman in a drive thru reportedly at 6am and being told she can’t have any Chicken McNuggets. (When you get the munchies I guess you really get the munchies.) All this over fugging nuggets? All I can say is, “Wow!”

If this video gets removed by YouTube, you can also try this link on the New York Daily News. As of my publication deadline it also has the video.

All of this is just more convincing evidence for my upcoming book, Society of Assholes. Look for it in book stores soon if I can convince any employees to actually print the bloody thing. I’ll be the one pooping on them trying to force them to do and care about their insignificant jobs!

Personally I try to live by the Golden Rule. (I hope you were drinking Red Bull as you read this line.) Hopefully that means I’m more windshield than bug. Or is that the other way around?

In closing, please allow me to offer the following thought as both an American worker and customer: I FLING POO!!!

Please enjoy the musical selection that our chef has paired with this article.

Three blind gerbils

Gerbil nutritional pyramid. Take and bake pizza information was not available by our publication deadline.

Not every gerbil path is exactly the same. For example, most drop out of high school but some actually hang tough and barely graduate. Either way, though, the paths taken can still have remarkable similarities.

Most live at home as long as possible. Most avoid jobs, effort and all forms of responsibility like the plague. Most get into things like drugs, smoking, energy drinks (Monster, Red Bull) and expensive coffee stand drinks as quickly and as deeply as possible. Most are extremely poor, becoming adept moochers, yet still maintaining the most expensive of tastes. Some rely solely on mooching skills, others may turn to petty theft and crimes to maintain their standards of living.

In terms of avoiding jobs, most gerbils go one step further and begin customizing their appearance. Things like tattoos, tongue piercings, lip piercings, ear piercings, ear lobe gauging, bizarre facial hair, nose rings, and long dirty unkempt hair are routine. Strange clothing completes the ensemble. Not wanting to be limited to the dimension of sight only, most smell bad as well.

The net result is a life form that it almost unemployable in every way shape or form.

I’ve covered most of this before, however. This is really nothing new.

Our GRIPE scientists recently made another startling breakthrough in measuring gerbil behavior. Within a single herd they successfully identified three males sharing a surprising characteristic: They have all applied and been approved to receive food stamps!

The GRIPE scientists wanted me to pass along a message regarding this finding: “We are not shitting you.”

Details are still sketchy, more field research is needed, but here’s what we know so far.

Three gerbils, including our own son and two of his herd, have applied for and received food stamps. Yes, they’ve had a rough life and need help from a system they’ve never fucking paid into. Dropping out of work, avoiding your GED, refusing to look for a job, and turning your physical being into a fashion accessory is hard work.

So these three lazy 21-year-old assholes who have underachieved, dropped out, and never really held down a job are all pulling in food stamps.  The food stamp money can even be used to pay for their “take and bake” pizzas!

Oh … my … God. What does a motherfucker living at home still need food stamps for???

I think the pyramid produced by our GRIPE staff sums it up nicely. Pot, smoking and drugs all come first. Then non-nutritional edibles like candy, expensive coffee drinks and the primary nutritional source for gerbils: lots and lots of Monster and Red Bull energy drinks.

If you have no job, live at home, have a medical marijuana card and are on food stamps, nothing less than $4 coffee drinks will suffice. Obviously.

–Tom B. Taker

It’s obvious why their is a need for food stamps. They do actually use the food stamps to buy some groceries, thus they are able to divert the remainder of their cash money to the things they really want that are really useless. The other day the gerbil stopped by and tried to borrow money from us because, he said, he only had 43 cents to his name. Yet he is never without his expensive smokes. Funny how that works.

Really, I want to know. What, if anything, are we teaching the youth of this generation and how in any way, shape or form are they being prepared to deal with the real world? I fear for them.

Let’s weed ’em out

Coming soon to a state ballot near you: marijuana AKA cannabis.

Seems like all I hear these days is pro-legalization news. Pot was criminalized on a lie. Pot isn’t all that bad. Look what you can do with hemp. Driving while stoned isn’t as bad as being drunk. Yada yada yada.


I often find myself on the wrong side of the popular vote. I guess that makes me a Lone Wolf. A renegade. A man outside the law. Meh.

How many laws are on the books that you don’t agree with? Well shit. What’s that got to do with it? Most laws in our country existed before I was even born. There was no “acceptance period” when I reached a certain age where I was ever asked which laws I agreed with and which ones I didn’t. That’s just tough noogies for me. I have to live with it. That’s life in a democracy like ours I guess.

When marijuana comes up for legalization in my neck of the woods – which is an inevitability – I will personally vote “hail no.” I find that shit utterly disgusting. I don’t like the way it smells, I don’t like the “culture” built around it, and I don’t understand the overwhelming desire to intoxicate oneself. For the record, however, I understand that some folks may have a legitimate need to ease pain and suffering in their lives. In that narrow definition I can support use. Of course, “medical marijuana” is one of the most abused concepts of all time. That makes it ever-so-tempting to shut the door on all use. The rest of this post has nothing to do with those who have a legitimate need.

I get it. Life sucks. Life is hard. Life is pain. But you can choose how you respond. You have choice. You have free will. You can decide to take on life and grapple with it. Or you can check out and go to La La Land and float on a cloud. In my ever so humble opinion the time spent on that cloud is time wasted. (Pun intended.)

I’ve been reading and hearing about the “whaaaaa!” situation in Humbolt County, California. The county is economically depressed. If it wasn’t for marijuana, proponents claim, the county would be even worse off economically than it is now. They say that marijuana is the county’s #1 cash crop. I saw a video of a self-styled Humbolt County “businessman” in a fucking suit extolling the virtues of the plant. Is it just me or did he take the easy way out by basing his livelihood on an illegal business, one that is highly profitable, and one that he now wants to legitimize and have a head start on corning the market? I could give a shit less about him. Me? I’m just a humble law-abiding citizen who’s salary is a pitiful fraction of his. Why the fuck should someone choosing to obey the law matter? Why should the criminal be rewarded?

According the Wikipedia’s cannabis page, marijuana is the #4 cash crop in the United States. Imagine the market that exists to support that? Wow. And in states like California, New York and Florida it is the #1 or #2 cash crop.

You know what that tells me? That too many damn people are spending too much damn money to intoxicate themselves and live on a cloud rather than deal with real life.

When you factor in what we spend on pot, alcohol, other illegal drugs, and abused pharmaceutical narcotics I can only imagine what a whopping number that must be. For completeness we should probably include cigarettes (perhaps the most addictive force known to humankind). Hell, throw in caffeine (Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Red Bull, etc.), too. It’s all drugs, right?

Stop and think about what we do as a society. The need to check out of reality is incredible. What if all the resources, time, money and energy spent on all that shit could be used for good? Can you imagine how different this world could be???

Gerbils in the Mist – expedition field notes

Night vision goggles capture a gerbil in standard nocturnal mode

Editor’s Note: This report filed by shoutabyss is the fourth in a series of our ongoing team coverage of False Empty Nest Syndrome (or FENS). If you’ve missed our previous coverage, “gerbil” is the term we’ve come up with to describe a youngling who fails to leave the nest, thus triggering the onset of “False Empty Nest Syndrome.”

When we last caught sign of gerbil spore, four cans of overpriced and over-hyped energy drinks had mysteriously appeared in our refrigerator, so we knew the gerbil was close. Sure enough, the next day we flushed the little fellow out in the open. It was mostly a peaceful encounter. Still, one must already remember to tread with caution.

At times, the gerbil can be an extremely elusive animal, and indeed, we saw little sign of the gerbil for a number of days. Then I was informed there had been another sighting, this time by Mrs. Abyss. She said later that very day the gerbil would be preparing our evening meal.

This can be one of the most rewarding and perplexing aspects of gerbilology. You never know what they’ll do next. They are remarkably surprising animals. In this case the gerbil had actually approached us and voluntarily offered to make dinner. (Tortilla soup.) Extraordinary. But, the one thing you mustn’t ever do is underestimate the gerbil’s ability to disappoint. Yes, the evening came and went with no sign of gerbil. Just a cryptic text message that said, “working late.”

In fact, as of now, we haven’t seen the gerbil for several days. We foraged for ourselves that evening and we haven’t seen hide nor hair of the beast ever since. We’d almost suspect that the animal had finally moved on to a new nest and host organism …

Except …

There have been subtle new signs that the gerbil is close, but, for reasons unknown, is choosing to remain just out of sight. It was such a dramatic shift in behavior that I almost missed the signs.

Normally the gerbil is very much a nocturnal animal, choosing to eat, play and engage in reproduction practices at night, then nesting during the day. This is a naturally evolved defense mechanism that allows the gerbil to avoid daytime dangers like responsibilities, chores, and nagging and comments from nest-mates that the gerbil would very much prefer to avoid.

This time something was different. I arrived home from work at the normal time and nothing seemed amiss. However there was a very strong smell from the bathroom. My tracking skill told me a gerbil had been there, probably on a deuce run. (Previously documented behavior where the gerbil visits the nest for the sole purpose of depositing wastes then immediately flees before being detected.) The very next day the deuce run pattern was repeated and my suspicions were confirmed.

The gerbil had switched to daytime nocturnal mode.

“Daytime nocturnal” is the etymology I’ve developed to refer to this newly discovered form of gerbil behavior. The gerbil can be a very clever beast. It learns the patterns of the nest, which allows it to select “safe” times for visiting which will minimize the chance of contact, thus minimizing the previously mentioned threats that are viewed as keen dangers: Conversation with the innkeepers (those who maintain the nest for the gerbil), discussions of money, chores, responsibilities, the status of job hunting efforts, odors emanating from piles of dirty laundry, and much much more. Gerbils have developed a sixth sense for avoiding dangers like these.

The signs of daytime nocturnalism are fairly familiar and include: missing food, freshly used restroom facilities, kitchen appliances left on the counter, food debris, empty beer and energy drink cans in the garbage, dirty dishes, empty food containers left on the counter, missing possessions and more.

Follow-up Report: Energy drink ritual exposed (rare photograph)

A rare image taken from within a gerbil herd gathering

Gerbils are known to travel in herds. One aspect of behavior that is seemingly of paramount importance is the consumption and display of energy drinks like Red Bull and Monster. In fact, cans of these beverages function as a form of plumage form the gerbil (which has no naturally evolved plumage) in both peer situations and during mating when trying to earn the attention of suitable females for reproduction rituals.

I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that gerbil plumage includes other items, too, such as cigarettes and other tobacco products, alcohol (especially beer in cans), illegal drugs, expensive coffee drinks, vehicles, electronic devices and, of course, cell phones and text messaging devices. Cans of energy drinks, however, seem to be, by far, the most coveted within gerbil culture.

This rare photograph, which was taken by a gerbil within a herd gathering and then stored to my computer, illustrates the importance placed on a can of Monster energy drink by the herd. Other images from the same stores prominently feature cigarettes and cans of beer. The gerbils take an incredible amount of care to feature energy drinks, cans of beer and cigarettes in the composition of the photography, usually in the foreground, thus expressing much better than words ever could the significant and spiritual role such items play within the herd gathering.

Tiger says, “They’re great!”

Eeek! A condom!

Just like that other famous Tiger, Mr. Woods apparently likes his frosted flakes. And by flakes I mean, of course, hoors.

Sorry, I just can’t help myself. It’s time for another Tiger post. Already??? Sorry, yeah.

I’m worried about The Tiger. I mean, what will he do to make a living if his endorsements get dumped? I’m worried about him going hungry. And his wife no doubt will lay claim to some of his fortune. They were married in 2004 and the initial prenuptial agreement was worth $20 million after 10 years of marriage. I’m sure all bets are off on that by now, though.

So what will he do if Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Electronic Arts no longer want any part of the Tiger Woods image? Here are some of my ideas:

Condoms – My advice to Tiger: Strike now while the iron is hot. Pick a brand, any brand, and tee off a new television campaign.

Red Bull – This one seems like a no-brainer to me. If I was an executive at Red Bull, right about now I’d be saying, “We be gots to gettin’ us some Tiger. He must already be drinking our stuff. I mean, just look at him go!” The campaign practically writes itself, too. “Red Bull gives you swings!”

Viagra – Another no brainer. If he’s already on it, then it’s a match made in heaven. If he’s not, it can only bring a whole new level to his game. Either way it’s time for “Smiling Bob” to take a hike.

Female Viagra – What the? Is Tiger even attractive? I certainly don’t think so.So what is it about the man that makes him someone the women so desperately want to bag? Oh yeah, he’s on TV a lot and he’s rich. That’s about all it takes, right? Of course, it is kind of hard to be sponsored by money itself. Perhaps Money magazine?

Can you come up with any other sponsorship ideas of your own for Tiger? We may be the only chance he’s got!