Dear Guru: Offended
Dear Guru,
I feel offended.
Signed,
Offended
That’s not much of a question but I’ll take what I can get. -Ed.
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Dear Guru: The Gift of Stolen Moments
Welcome to a new semi-regular feature here in the sludge mines. I’m calling it “Dear Guru.” This is where you get to ask me, the self-proclaimed Guru of Negativity, advice questions and I respond by insulting you and/or your intelligence. Why would anyone sign up for this kind of treatment? Perhaps that should be your first question. The questions are flooding in so get on yours quickly if you want some attention. I imagine this column will repeat about every five years or so depending on how many questions are received. Now on to our first victims. -Ed.
Q.
Hey, hey, guru. I want to marry you.
A.
Fool! That wasn’t phrased in the form of a question!
A prawn is like five or six shrimp!
—
Q.
Dear Guru,
I have a dilemma I hope you can help me with. I have a best friend of 40+ years. This friend gives me gifts for birthdays and holidays. I know for a fact that this friend has shoplifted these gifts as this friend confessed to me several years ago. I do not feel right accepting these gifts. Even with her shortcomings she is very dear to me and I don’t want to hurt her. What should I do?
Signed,
Fanny from Fort Fear
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The Blogfather Part I
Welcome to the void created by the recent departure of Termination Tuesday. What to do, what to do?
Last night I remarked to my wife, “I think I’ll start a new series of posts. I’m going to call them The Blogfather.”
Damn, I’m so clever and inventive. I did a little bit of my Vito impression including the touching of my face and we had a good laugh. Then I looked at the internet to check on the uniqueness of my idea.
Mothafucka.
As always I was beaten to the punch by about a million people. And those people who retroactively stole my idea in the past are gonna pay. Bring on the horse heads! And some poop. I got me a little convincing to do.
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I’m on a Blogroll
I got boogie fever. Let's do the blogroll dance.
Oh shit. I just noticed my humble blog was on someone’s blogroll under the category heading, “Hilarious.” Come on!!! There has been some kind of serious mistake.
God, no. Now the pressure is really on. Time to crack. But it’s true. Negativity in just the right amounts can be funny. Why is that? I don’t know. Perhaps it is the secret part inside each of us that gets off on seeing the pathetic in others. That might also explain my love/hate relationship with mirrors.
If you happen to have me blogrolled under the “Hilarious” heading, please don’t be offended. Of course I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about the other people who have done it. And I don’t mean this as an insult. Truly, I take it as a compliment. And a sign that you may have licked a few too many lead-paint walls.
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Shouts from the Abyss 
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