Challenging a monk to a first date
I recently added the following to my bucket list:
Challenge a monk to hand-to-hand combat.
I added it as the final item on the list based on the assumption I wouldn’t survive.
I’m not sure where that idea came from. I think it was during brainstorming for a new reality TV show called “My Suicide Note.” I figured, yeah, “death by monk” would probably be a way cool way to go.
Even though I was trained to kill with my bare hands by the federal government, I have little doubt that even the most mediocre monk could frag my ass. Maybe they’d send out the monk who is the slacker goof off and barely maintaining his grade point average. He/she would still make mincemeat out of me.
Can you tell I have very little to talk about today? Does it show?
Next I cruised by Plinky for a writing idea. “Share a story about your worst date ever.” Barf.
Actually, “barf” is the story. I had to clean vomit out of the back seat of my car. That’s a night I’ll never remember. And a story I’ll most likely never share. I don’t exactly come across as the hero.
Let’s see, what else? I think it’s documented somewhere that my first kiss was with a girl named “Tex” at church camp. She grabbed me, manhandled me into the bushes, and kissed me. And it’s been nothing but dominant cowgirls ever since.
I once put a personal ad up on the internet looking for a date. I said in the ad, “Must live in my area. No long distance.” So of course a woman wrote in from the next county over. She lived about 90 miles away. I still remember my reply. I said, “Thanks but no thanks. 90 miles is too far.” Still, we continued to correspond and eventually we did decide to meet.
I drove those damn 90 miles and met her at a restaurant where we had dinner. Classy guy that I am, I ordered the hot wings. (They sounded so good.) You tell me. Is it possible to make a good first impression on a first date when one’s face is liberally smeared with BBQ sauce? I don’t think so!
After dinner and several wet naps, we went for a walk around a nearby man-made lake and she grabbed me, manhandled me into the bushes and kissed me.
Believe me, these aren’t the worst of the worst, either. Some stories will never be told.
How about you? Got any humorous first date stories of your own?
Sorry, Jamie Oliver – America will send your show back
Jamie Oliver. Image courtesy of Wikipedia.
Jamie Oliver is cute. He has charisma. Apparently he knows something about food and cooking. I mean, he’s on the Food Network, right? Of course, that doesn’t always mean that much. For example, Rachael Ray is not a chef. Oliver, who started as a pastry chef, at least has earned the title.
Oliver also has some good intentions mixed, no doubt, with a fair amount of desire for a hit TV show and the scrilla that would result.
Reading his Wikipedia page this morning I also see that he’s been on about a zillion TV shows. Wow.
His latest project is called “Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution” and premiers on ABC on March 26th. The premise of the show is essentially improving the eating habits of Americans.
The premier episode features Oliver visiting the city of Huntington, W. Va., which a CDC report called the unhealthiest city in America. (Report: 2008 Centers of Disease Control and Prevention report.) Apparently over 50 percent of the population is reported as “obese.”
In a television commercial, an outraged Oliver toys with a plate of fried potatoes while he indignantly exclaims, “French fries are not a vegetable!”
Why The Show Will Fail
My prediction is that the show won’t play well here in the U.S. First, Oliver is a Brit. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But Americans don’t take kindly to being told what to do, and certainly not by someone with an accent. Secondly, Americans don’t like being told what to do. By anyone. And lastly, Americans are doubly hooked and are not about to change. They are hooked on their eating habits and they are hooked on their sedentary lifestyle.
By the way, some are saying Oliver’s “revolution” may not be so revolutionary. According to NBCPhiladelphia.com, “there are already hints behind the scenes that Oliver’s efforts may not have been as well-received as you may be led to believe.”
In my experience, real, genuine life-alerting change is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very rare thing.
I seriously doubt that a TV show, even one with a cute and lively limey at the helm, will accomplish serious change, and, I think it’s likely it won’t even bring in the ratings to be considered a “hit.” (You heard it here first.)
In the off chance that I’m wrong, I’ll add this: If the show does do some good, I’d attribute that to the growing awareness about food and health in our country that was already well underway long before Oliver arrived to save the day. But that certainly doesn’t mean he can’t come loping in like Rambo without a jock strap, take credit for it and cash in all at the same time. 🙂
Michael Vick’s Hail Mary to Atlanta
File this one in the, “Wow. All I can say is, wow!” department.
When we last heard from our hero The Vick he was courageously accepting an award from his teammates recognizing his tremendous “courage.”
On Feb. 10th Vick told an Atlanta radio station that during his time with the Atlanta Falcons he had been “complacent” and “lazy” and that he “settled for mediocrity.”
Booyah!
Game, set, match. Or touchdown. Or whatever. Take that, Atlanta. Your move, creep. While Vick was supposed to be the “future” of the franchise he was complacent, lazy and mediocre. Nicely done. I guess the animal cruelty stuff was just the sprinkles on top.
Also, Vick’s reality TV show premiered earlier this month on Feb. 2nd. “The Michael Vick Project,” a 10-episode docu-series, is airing every Tuesday at 10 p.m. on BET. If you are simply too busy to go through the hassle of selling your soul to the devil then be sure to tune in. The show is an method of arranging your own self-service purgatory before cashing your ticket for a bus ride to Hell. Personally I’d at least attempt to leverage a fiddle made of gold out of the deal, but that’s just me.
Reality TV show idea: Find that Acid!
Source: SomethingAwful.com
Did you ever have something trigger your funny bone in such a way that you laughed until you were crying and experienced physical pain? Until the laughter was no longer funny but you still couldn’t help it?
A long time ago it was the image on the left that did it to me. I just found that sucker in my computer and checked the date. 2002. Wow!
I can’t remember who I was with, it’s been too long, but we were surfing the web for silly shit and found that image. For some reason, I still don’t know why, I just lost it. Then we both lost it. It was one of those crazy moments locked in time. It look something like an hour to get it out of my system, too. I can’t recall if adult beverages were involved. Probably they were.
From time to time over the years I’ve thought of that image at random moments and it always brings a wistful smile to my face.
Can you remember times when you laughed like that? What triggered it? What do you remember about it and more importantly, do you still find funny today?
Finding this on my computer was an unexpected treat but it didn’t quite make me laugh out loud. I think that it only works like that the very first time. But it still amuses me. Maybe it would make a good premise for a TV show? Based on the shows we have these days I don’t think “Find That Acid” is that far off.
One thing I have in common with NFL quarterback Michael Vick
I have found a tenuous shred of commonality between myself and Michael Vick:
… Vick [has] not served one minute in prison for animal cruelty …
Yep. It’s true. I’ve never been in prison for animal cruelty. And neither has Vick, the man that the NFL has seen fit to reinstate.
Of course, the commonalities end there. I’m a decent human being.
Some people think Vick did his time for “dogfighting” but I don’t know if they realize that the scope of his actions went a little beyond that.
In the words of one woman who responded to Vick’s property to assess and help 47 dogs:
The details that got to me then and stay with me today involve the swimming pool that was used to kill some of the dogs. Jumper cables were clipped onto the ears of under performing dogs, then, just like with a car, the cables were connected to the terminals of car batteries before lifting and tossing the shamed dogs into the water. Most of Vick’s dogs were small – 40 lbs or so – so tossing them in would’ve been fast and easy work for thick athlete arms. We don’t know how many suffered this premeditated murder, but the damage to the pool walls tells a story. It seems that while they were scrambling to escape, they scratched and clawed at the pool liner and bit at the dented aluminum sides like a hungry dog on a tin can.
Wow. That is fucking gruesome.
According to eye-witness testimony, Vick laughed as he watched pets being mauled by animals from his “Bad Newz Kennels”:
The witness said Vick and co-defendants Purnell Peace and Quanis Phillips “thought it was funny to watch the pit bull dogs belonging to Bad Newz Kennels injure or kill the other dogs.”
It is true that Vick served 18 months in prison, but that was for “bankrolling a dogfighting conspiracy,” not animal cruelty. Charges of animal cruelty were dropped in exchange for a plea bargain.
Now he’s back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles where he’s seen play time in five games so far this season.
Meanwhile, it was reported on October 9th by the Washington Post that BET has picked up the rights to a reality TV show scheduled for 2010 that will document the “trials and tribulations” of Vick. BET won’t say how much Vick is to be paid, but he is listed as one of the executive producers of the series.
BET hopes the series “will give viewers a glimpse of how he is rebuilding his life and moving forward as a human being and not just another sports figure.”
I just decided to boycott the NFL and BET. I’m sure they’ll miss me.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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