Greetings and solicitations!
It used to be that the school year was a happy time. A time when the junior-sized asshole humans were (mostly) out from underfoot. Ahhhh. Those were the days.
You can blame it all on politics and unions and Tea Parties and partisanship and vouchers and hog wallerin’ and mud slingin’ and clean campaigns and dirty campaigns and COLA and inflation and school boards and lots, lots more.
Is an army of darkness one of the seven seals of Armageddon? Or maybe it was a vial? I can never keep those things straight.
Make no mistake. Let me be clear. War has been declared. And war is Hell. Tranquility has been attacked and tranquility will be defended. Even if I have to asplode.
If you want to enlist, make the jump.
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Someone messes with my wife? I mess with them. I’m taking out a contract and, for once in my life, I know the perfect someone for the job.
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Why is it that the drive to/from work is quite often the worst thing that happens to me on some days?
That was rhetorical but I’ll answer anyway. Some people do not deserve to live. I’ve elected myself judge and jury. Unfortunately, I just don’t (usually) have what it takes to be the executioner.
Does that make me passive-aggressive if I leave it to some unknown stranger to clean up that mess?
Here’s today’s story.
I’m driving to work and about to turn right on the cul-de-sac. These two scruffy looking nerf herders, one male and one female, both young, were standing on the corner looking like they might be about to cross the intersection where I need to turn.
My spidey sense was tingling.
As a super-human (one that uses his brain) I did what came natural. I slowed to a crawl and watched them carefully trying to judge what could possibly be their intent.
Finally at a complete stop I still watched. Suddenly they departed from the corner and entered the intersection, just like I thought! They didn’t look for cars at all. Idiots. They seemed more preoccupied with something in the sky. Maybe their auras were intersecting with rainbows being used as slip-n-slides by unicorns. Who knows?
They stumbled drunkenly about half way through the intersection. Slow – as – hell. Finally the gap was big enough for me to go. I proceeded with caution.
Aha! One of them changed course and walked back in front of my car. Again no looking around for cars on a street. They couldn’t possible be found there, right?
By this point I was beyond flabbergastion. I glared and mouthed words at ’em. They looked bewildered. “What is this street thing we’ve found?” they seemed to be asking themselves.
Finally I got past and found my parking spot. Geez. What an ordeal. But wait, there’s more. They were walking down the middle of the street in my general direction.
This brings us to the unusual part…
Quite out of character, I got out of my car and headed at them.
“Sup?” I yelled while gesturing towards the heavens.
“You got a light?” they asked.
Whiskey tango foxtrot. Could they be any more fucking oblivious?
“What the hell are you doing standing around in the middle of the street,” I yelled some more.
At last they seemed to get that something was up. A few more exchanges like this and finally the male said something like, “Dude. You need to chill.”
“How the fuck are you still alive?” I demanded to know.
Sadly, I never got an answer. They just blithely moved on down the street. I leaned against my building and watched. After all, they knew my car and where I parked. I watched them approach several more people, probably in their personal Quest For Fire. They certainly fit the part.
Apparently the only thing that mattered in their miserable lives was the need to smoke. And yet, they seemingly were too dumb to plan ahead enough to maintain the necessary accoutrement in their possession to engage in that activity, like matches or a lighter or two sticks to rub together or something. So they were reduced to begging to satisfy their addiction. It seemed to be the single thing they were able to focus on.
They entered a parking lot at the end of the cul-de-sac and approached someone in a truck. I couldn’t hear but words were exchanged. After a while they wandered back into the street again. At this point I was extremely curious about where the hell they could possibly be going.
I went to work and vented about the experience to my boss. As we looked out the window, there the young idiots went, back up the street and out the same cul-de-sac they just went down. And they were walking in the middle of the street!
They finally arrived back at the same corner where I first encountered them and stood there for a while, looking around and up at the sky.
A few minutes later I went back to see what they were up to but they were gone.
Hopefully some nice stranger beheaded them for me. Fucking assholes.
Please enjoy the musical selection for this post:
Some time back our state banned smoking in bars. It was day full of optimism for me. Then this week we were in the mood for a burger so we decided to try one of these bars that we never would have visited back when smoking was still allowed.
We’d been to this particular establishment a few times before only because they were hosting certain charitable events. The smoky atmosphere was a serious gross out and we’d coming home coughing and our clothes reeked. It was disgusting.
This time when we walked in we noticed the air was noticeably fresher. How nice!
We placed our order and enjoyed a few minutes of the regional football team on the plethora of TVs.
Soon I noticed, however, that I was coughing again. I looked around but no one was smoking. It took me a minute to figure out the problem, then it dawned on me. A lot of people in there still reeked of cigarettes. The disgusting smell that clung to them was affecting me, just like the smoky cloud used to, only to a lesser degree. Amazing. “That’s just fantastic,” I thought. “Even when the place is non-smoking they still find a way to fuck it over.”
There was the one guy walking around who always had an unlit cigarette in his mouth. I imagined it was his little form of protest over the goddamn law that made the bar non-smoking in the first place. His quivering lips and tongue would fidget with his little unlit phallic symbol incessantly. Then he’d dart out to the patio for about 60 seconds and be back inside with a fresh batch of smell and another unlit ciggy back between his lips. Talk about an oral fixation.
The “outdoor” patio itself was visible through a big plate-glass window so thoughtfully provided. The patio was a section of former parking lot converted into a smoking area with walls that made it a tightly enclosed space. From where I sat I had a clear view of the people out there smoking away within the thick lingering clouds of their own toxic wastes. Such a lovely site to enjoy while dining on your burger, enjoying a cold one and watching the game. An understated elegance of ambiance to be sure.
Behind our table was the bank of state-run gambling machines that was a constant hive of bustle and activity. We could smell everyone as they walked by and frantically plugged their money in. Alcohol, smoking and gambling – three things that seem to meld into the perfect storm of civility. The earnest gamblers would hop from their seats and walk with urgency to the patio door, much like someone who needed to use the potty but had held it too long. Within minutes they’d be back pounding the “gimmie money” buttons on those stupid machines.
All in all it was a thoroughly disgusting experience. I could only laugh at the inanity of the “no smoking in bars” law. Like always humans had found a way to taint and destroy that which should have been good. Later while getting undressed and pulling my tshirt over my head, I noticed that my clothes still had that reeking smell. Just lovely.