The Rage Against The Machine alarm clock
Those of you who have dared (to waste your time) and look at my id page may have noticed that there is seemingly no limit to the number of titles I’m willing to shamelessly apply to myself.
One of those titles is “inventor.” No, not in a literal inventing sense of the word. Much like scientists will often engage in thought experiments I also like to have my fun. I guess you could say I engage in thought inventions. These are things that are “invented” (note the air quotes) but only in my head. They never exist unless made my someone smarter than me who has much more energy. Basically I just sit a lot.
Are we there yet? No!
Yes, I’m the guy who invented Google Windshield. This is a augmented reality app that is displayed on the windshield of your car as a heads-up display. Yeah, just like the fancy technology that was previously enjoyed exclusively by heroic fighter pilots. It’s an amazing powerful app that can answer questions like, “Are we there yet?” If you want to know if you’ve arrived at your destination just ask Google Windshield to display your trip’s progress bar. There is your answer in graphical form. “36 percent? Aw, what the hell?”
It can do fancier things, too. Ever see a mountain far off in the distance and get curious about it? Just point at it and Google Windshield will tell you more about it than you ever wanted to know.
Another gadget I invented I call the Mobile Serenity Enhancer. This device is worn just like a wristwatch. What does it do? It is a mobile phone jammer that finally allows you live your life in peace. Going to the movies? Just sit in the center of the movie theater and activate your own personal jamming field. The 75′ radius will ensconce you in a peaceful “circle of silence” for the next 2-3 hours. Sure, the idiots will punch their little buttons but nothing will happen. Eventually they’ll give up and those little glowing screens will go bye-bye. And no incoming calls, either! Mobile Serenity Enhancer works equally well in tons of other locations like the office, restaurants, walking down the street, standing in line at the grocery store and much, much more!
The real announcement for today, however, is the Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. This state of the art beauty is designed to take you from blissful slumber to a ready state of alertness in no time at all. Are you overly in love with the snooze button? RATM AC is here to help!
Our patented Morning Escalation Awakening Technology (MEAT) will wake you up in style at the pace that is right just for you.
Here now is an overview of our cascading snooze progression that can greet you every morning but only if you act now!
Initial Alert: “Ah, shit!!!” Our researchers have found that this is the optimal message to get most self-starters right out of bed on the first try.
First Snooze Alert: “Who controls the past now controls the future!” You’ve now slacked off for nine whole minutes but this is still a great way to greet the day that the Lord hath made. Get your lazy ass out of bed now, before it is too late, and you can still control your own future!
Second Snooze Alert: “Come on! Ugh! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” Okay! Seriously. It’s been 18 minutes. Play time is over. You’re probably already late for something important. It is now time for a more direct approach.
Third Snooze Alert: “And now you do what they told ya!” This alert is repeated 11 times then looped without end. Perhaps the time has come for you to evaluate why you even set an alarm in the first place? Presumably to satisfy the requirements of some external forces that have been placed upon you. Yes, you have free will, but if you exercise that free will inappropriately (like not getting out of bed) there will be consequences. After 27 minutes it is time to flip your feet on the floor and do what they told ya.
Fourth Snooze Alert: “Pistol grip pump on my lap at all times!!!” Really? You’re still snoozing after 36 minutes of RATM bombardment in hi-fidelity stereo? The time for direct threats is at hand. This is the alarm clock’s final warning that you are about to be shot if you fail to get up. Every unit comes equipped with a pistol grip pump in a secret compartment. Arise NOW!
The Final Snooze Alert: “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me! Motherfucker! Uggh!” 45 minutes. You are truly a world-class snoozer. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen. Time’s up. Prepare to die. 🙂
Congratulations on the purchase of your Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. You are either now wide awake and ready to seize the day or you’ve been shot sleeping in your bed. Either way our product has done its job!
Launch the mutant now
In honor of my last post being so lame, here’s a musical bonus. Let’s all hope I come up with something better the next time I decide to write something.
This is and oldie but a goodie circa 2000.
So … launch the mutant now!
Finding a powerful piece of history
I think exploring history is like looking at the nighttime starry sky. No matter where you look you can discover something new. This week I came across a powerful and moving story while researching the song “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine.
On June 11, 1963, a Vietnamese Mahayana Buddhist monk named Thích Quảng Đức performed the act of “self-immolation” at a busy Saigon road intersection in protest.
The act itself occurred at the intersection of Phan Dinh Phung Boulevard and Le Van Duyet Street. Thích Quảng Đức emerged from the car along with two other monks. One placed a cushion on the road while the second opened the trunk and took out a five-gallon gasoline can. As the marchers formed a circle around him, Thích Quảng Đức calmly seated himself in the traditional Buddhist meditative lotus position on the cushion. His colleague emptied the contents of the gasoline container over Thích Quảng Đức’s head. Thích Quảng Đức rotated a string of wooden prayer beads and recited the words “Nam Mô A Di Đà Phật” (“homage to Amitabha Buddha”) before striking a match and dropping it on himself. Flames consumed his robes and flesh, and black oily smoke emanated from his burning body.
Thích Quảng Đức was protesting against the persecution of Buddhists by South Vietnam’s Ngô Đình Diệm administration. Photos of his self-immolation were circulated widely across the world and brought attention to the policies of the Diệm regime.
A spokesperson for the Buddhists had alerted U.S. correspondents the day before that “something important” was going to happen, but most reporters disregarded that message.
Photographer and journalist Malcolm Browne did show up and took the picture above, which won the World Press Photo of the Year award in 1963.
Journalist David Halbertsam of the New York Times also was there and wrote this eyewitness account:
I was to see that sight again, but once was enough. Flames were coming from a human being; his body was slowly withering and shriveling up, his head blackening and charring. In the air was the smell of burning human flesh; human beings burn surprisingly quickly. Behind me I could hear the sobbing of the Vietnamese who were now gathering. I was too shocked to cry, too confused to take notes or ask questions, too bewildered to even think… As he burned he never moved a muscle, never uttered a sound, his outward composure in sharp contrast to the wailing people around him.
Information for this posting came from Wikipedia: Thích Quảng Đức. That page contains much more information about the aftermath of Đức’s protest.
This week I was enjoying the song “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine. The song is a commentary on killing in the name of religion or God. For the cover art for the single the band chose the famous photograph of Thích Quảng Đức’s self-immolation.
That photo is what prompted me to learn more, and I’m glad I did. I find this to be a deeply moving, powerful and disturbing story.
I was quite surprised to learn just how common the act of self-immolation can be. You can read about many more examples at Wikipdedia: Self-immolation.
Here’s a video of the song “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine:
Shouts from the Abyss 
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