Tag Archives: prize

Whole Lotta Lotto Goin’ On

lotto-deathIt’s a banner year for Unfair Taxation of the Stupid (UFS or LOTTO for short).

I don’t have the economic data to back up the “banner” claim but who cares. I feel it in my gut. We just had a big jackpot which means were were subjected to all of the usual big-lotto-prize bullshit:

  • Local news covering the “story” that people are buying more than the usual amount of lotto tickets.
  • Chit chat from the UPS driver about $2 tickets and that no one from our state ever wins. (He was right.)
  • Lots and lots of news articles on the internet about how winning can be bad. (Fuck you.)
  • Blog posts up the ying-yang about how the ill-gotten booty would be spent.
  • Nigeria and Facebook users teaming up to rock the scams like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Excitement about who won and – do tell! – what are their plans?

I also see a lot of stories about all of the “good” that comes from government-sponsored gambling in the form of lotteries. “$X amount went to upgrade caskets for drowned puppies.” Well, la-dee-da! When I read that all I can see is: “Citizens in the great state of Iowa wasted $10x dollars by throwing their money in the nearest toilet.” That’s $10x not spend at local stores. That’s $10x not saved for retirement. That’s $10x not spent on their past due bills. That’s $10x not given to charity. That’s probably $10x money gone forever that most of the people who spent could ill afford to lose.

Wow. That is good.

They were talking about the lotto in the office. The boss made the mistake of asking me what I’d do if I won. “You’d never see me again,” I quipped. Sometimes I’m so damn proud of myself. Of course, I then immediately played it off like I was joking. It’s only a joke. Yeah. Right.

I thought about it for a moment and I said this. “I just read a story that says winning the lotto doesn’t necessary make people happier. I call bullshiats.”

This is what I’d do…
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Abyss Island: Survivor Challenge

This season’s Immunity Idol. Worth playing for?

In our last contest the grand prize winner was offered (and declined) an action figure of Dr. Julius M. Hibbert from The Simpsons.

This time we’re upping the stakes a bit. The winner of Abyss Island: Survivor Challenge will receive One Million Dollars*.

In this exclusive contest 20 ordinary Americans will be selected by me, your Probst of Ceremonies, to participate in a unique online experiment.

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Boss Said That #challenge #contest

A contest!

You could win this action figure – some dude from The Simpsons cartoon I think – and only previously mauled by a cat.

The premise for the contest: Boss said that!

Rules: Post a comment on this post or a tweet at @shoutabyss on Twitter to enter. The entry must contain an actual boss quotation.

The winner will be selected by the Abyss Editorial Board by the end of November. The winning entry will be selected based on a strict criteria consisting of some combination of unparalleled excellence of the following: pith, assholiness, negativity, futility, moronitude, doublespeak, obliviosity, ineptness, greed, deception, lack of ethics, obfuscation, pointlessness, drooling, criminality and/or hypocrisy.

The winning entry will be announced on this blog and on the official Abyss twitter feed.

Disclaimer: To claim the prize, the winner grants reprint rights to the Abyss.

The prize will be sent via the United States Postal Service to locations within the United States. Estimated value of prize: 42 drachmas or one-tenth of one cent, whichever is less. Odds of winning: 100% (based on a single entrant). Additional entrants will lower odds of winning accordingly.

To get things started, here’s an example of actual words uttered by a prickholio of a boss:

I have spoken.

This particular example was spoken three months after a suggestion was called stupid by the boss, right after the boss said the idea would be implemented as his idea. Fuck nut.

Enter early and enter often. There can only be one winner, the rest of you will be dinner. Good luck!

I’m a winner!

Wow. Are things going my way or what?

First I received a $20 gift card to Starbucks from my mom. It’s the thought that counts, right? Even though I’m not that into coffee and the nearest Starbucks is 30 miles away.

So I decided to take Mrs. Abyss on the trip and make a date out of it. (The gory details of that excursion are documented here.)

While there the “barista” talked me into getting a 12-pack of Starbuck’s “VIA” instant coffee. Two fancy trendy coffee drinks and some instant coffee – POOF! My gift card was shot.

The “barista” also talked me into entering their contest. I normally don’t fall for that, but this time, what the hell. I gave in. Lo’ and behold, a week later I get a phone call and I was informed I had won a prize! Woot. That never happens to me. But, like an idiot I failed to ask what I had won.

So we make the 30 mile trip to get the “prize.” Can you guess? Yep, it was three individual packets of VIA. A retail value of about $2 bucks. I figure I spent about four times that amount on gas so my prize cost me about $6. 🙂

Today at the grocery store, though, I actually won a real price. The checker asked my name and then broadcast on the store’s PA system, “Congratulations to Tom who just won $20.” I was so stunned I voided by bowels. (Woot for the “poop” tag.)

Lastly, an honorable mention for site traffic yesterday. My “Sarah Palin is a liar” post got hit by a troll and I set a new all-time traffic record. In fact, my previous record was tripled in a single day. Something seems askew with that. I think WordPress must be counting “views” as multiple visits from the same two people who were bantering in that post. Apparently visitors are not tracked by “sessions” so repeat visits keep adding up on my little stats graph. Still, I’ll take it and call it a “mini-win.”

Woot. Look at me. I’m a winner!