Tag Archives: poo

Coffee, Human Butts, and Greed Math

civetWe went to the trendy new fancy grocery store that opened in our neighborhood this week. We had received a coupon in the mail.

Buy one 12-ounce bag of our “Fedora Blend” and get one free.

Oh, what the hell. We stopped by on opening night.

Recap: We all know what a 12-ounce bag means, right? Deception. Price games. Trying to fuck the consumer. Price concealment. Gee, how do I opt in? I’m a buyer and I don’t want to beware!

So how much was the 12-ounce bag of coffee normally priced? $14 a bag.

With the coupon that made each bag $7 each. I did the math. That’s $9.33 a pound with the coupon. So what’s the normal price? $18.67 a pound. Fuck you.
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T-shirt ideas circa 2002

HangedMy wife has suggested I put less juice into my posts on the weekend, so here goes…

I’ve been cleaning out some old data. It’s a big job since I’ve accumulated a lot over the last two decades. Today I found a little snippet of a text file from September 2002 and felt it was quite telling in light of how my blog has turned out.

Apparently I haven’t changed all that much.
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Abyss Christmas Buying Guide 2011 – Part Two

This is part two in an ongoing series offering you the most festive choices for special holiday gifts.

Nothing like the holidays to bring out my creative streak. I’ve invented a couple more board games to help make the season blight.
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The Nightmare Before, During and After

‘Twas a wrong time ago, longer now than my screams,
In a place where an asshole concocted his schemes;
For the story that you are about to be fed
Took place in the shithole where I was made dead.
Now you’ve probably wondered where happy hate comes from.
If you haven’t, I’d say it’s time I flung dung…

Yo. Halloween approacheth and that has got me in a festive mood. So I’ve begun work on a holiday movie of my own. I just wrote the poetry above for the intro scene. Grammar be damned. I’m going after a mood.

If none of this makes sense, no worries. None of it makes sense to me, either. I’m just doing the best I can.

A proud member of the human feces

I’m going to be honest. (There’s a first time for everything.) When I’m watching hard news and the word “feces” makes an appearance, my ears perk right up. I mean hard news. Like the BBC. Not other news like Bieberbait and assorted blabber.

Let us try a little thought experiment before I tell you which news story contained the word “feces.” It’s a simple “IF … THEN” type of thought experiment.

Tom’s Proposition #42
If there is no God then humans sure do a lot of unjustifiable wonky shit in the name of something that doesn’t exist.

Can you do it? Can you actually imagine what it means if there really is no God? Think about all of the “evil” stuff that humans have done and continue to do to each other based on religious beliefs.

On the other hand, if there really is a God, you still have to grapple with the fundamental question: What is it he/she wants us to do? Who among us humans really has the corner on that sort of truth?
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The straight poop on Japan

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Planet Jan for turning me on to this poo.

I knew the day would come when “poop” being #1 in my tag cloud would pay big dividends. This is it. My time is nigh.

This is such a great video I couldn’t wait to pass it on. I’ve got to do my part to help make poo viral!

I was promised poo

Don't be such a turd!

I have good news and bad news. In what order do you want it?

And here we go again … introducing yet another new feature to the blog-yo-sphere. I’m dubbing this invention blog reader interactivity. For the first time, you get to choose the story!

If you want the good news first, read the following paragraphs in numerical order. If you prefer it the other way around (and hey, who doesn’t?) then simply read those paragraphs in reverse order. Read to interact? Go!

1. Living Dilbert has returned to the scene of the crime … wait, erm, I mean, her blog. Yeah, that’s it. Yeah, her blog! This is huge. And good.

2. She promised to blog about, and I quote: “I can’t poo at this job.”As we go to press with this posting, that missive still hasn’t seen the light of day. That’s the bad news. No doubt it will pop up later. I hope.

As the current world record holder in the category of “Poop Where You Work” I am very interested in what she has to say about the topic. I await that post with baited breath.

I know what LD, means, though. I recently took on a new job. It’s been almost four months now. It took a few weeks before I was even able to pee for the first time. That bathroom was disgusting. But, and let me know if this is in any way Too Much Information (TMI), it took over three months before my one and only poo activity at work, and that only happened this week because I was deathly ill. Before that vicious blow I had successfully trained my body to be more mindful of work hours.

Sure, you can save a lot of money on toilet paper if you only poop at work, but that’s not my bag. Not when you hang out with The Unclean. They can be so … dirty.

My relationship with poop on this blog is a storied one and the stuff of legend. It all started one day when I posted an economic theory of mine. I call it Gold Nugget economics. Quite simply, it is the theory that I am gold and you are poop. This forms the basis of all economic tension that makes the entire world go around.

A few posts like that and soon, quite unplanned, I assure you, “poop” stood alone as the Big Kahuna in my tag cloud. Not one to miss an opportunity, I grabbed that poop and ran with it. I seized the day. I swore, right then and there, that poop would always remain this blog’s #1 tag, and I’m proud to say my commitment there has never wavered.

The first real volley in the poop genre, however, was launched about a month into my blog. That’s when I keenly noticed that I worked eight feet away from where people pooped. Not a bad start.

Sometimes customers use the work toilet, too. If they do, you’ve got a job to do when they leave, shall we say, surprises?

Of course, it should be no big surprise to anyone that I went on to break my own record in the “distance to toilet” department. This is no small achievement!

So, in summation, allow me to say this once again. Make no mistake about it. I’m glad Living Dilbert is back. 🙂