Tag Archives: pirates

Movie Review: Captain Phillips

tom_hanks_captain_phillipsEver since I first heard that James Cameron was down in Mexico building a full scale movie set of the Titanic I said to myself, like every other living thing did, “This movie isn’t going to end well.”

Anyone who’d ever heard about the Titanic knew that, at some point, the ship was going to sink. Or maybe not. In Hollywood “based on a true story” often means very little. Perhaps in Cameron’s movie the ship would avoid the berg, then slowly rise out of the water and fly off into outer space in search of the aliens from the movie The Abyss. Snap! He could have invented the “alternate timeline” cheat long before J.J. Abrams flared his lens all over that shit.

The movie Captain Phillips presents a similar problem. It opens with Phillips as a prisoner, surrounded by pirates wielding AK-47 machine guns all over the place, and our protagonist hogtied and covered with blood.

Has Captain Phillips already been shot? Does he live? Does he die? Is this going to be one of those flashback thingies?

Spoiler alert: He went on to write a book about the experience. The movie is based on the book. Something tells me he’s gonna pull through. So much for the dramatic tension of the opening scene.

If, like me, you’ve been breathlessly waiting for a big screen treatment of what it’s really like on one of those big container ships, you are in for a real treat.
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It’s time to hammer Somali pirates

Somali piratesIf, and that’s a big if, I wanted to sail around the world, you can bet your ass I would steer clear of the waters off the coast of Somalia. You don’t have to be Einstein to make that sort of travel plan adjustment.

Besides, if I was kidnapped by Somali pirates, they’d be screwed. (And by logical extension, I’d be somewhat screwed as well.) I don’t think there is anyone on the planet who would be willing to pay more than $50 US to save my bacon. Sorry pirates, bad move kidnapping this guy.

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Know your enemy: obliviots get asses kicked

French warshipI’m proud to present two recent stories, variations on a similar theme, about pieces of shit making really dumb ass decisions and facing INSTANT JUSTICE of the most satisfying kind.

Story One:

Two assholes were out on the town when they spotted a couple of transvestites walking down the street. Being the dimwitted prejudiced punk bitches that they were, they decided to beat up the men in drag just for the hell of it. They were in for a little shock though, when they discovered that the men weren’t transvestites after all. They were cage fighters on their way to hang out and had dressed up in women’s clothes because they wanted to do “something different.”

Suffice it to say the would-be thugs got served a satisfying can of whoop ass. Big time. Then the cage fighters picked up their handbags and continued on their way.

These dudes are the worst kind of scum, picking on someone just because of how they looked, and they got what they deserved. And the fight was caught on video, too.

Story Two:

People in the United States are so smug about certain things. One of those is that the French are considered pussies. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Some Americans confuse a difference of opinion as weakness but in reality the French have been bad ass throughout history and are still bad ass to this day. I know this because I took three years of french and ate my share of snails.

Those friggin’ Somalia pirates made a big mistake the other day when they mistook a French military vessel as a commercial vessel and opened fire. France was in waters 600 miles off the coast of Somalia conducting anti-piracy operations. No French personnel were injured in the attack. The military vessel, the BCR Somme, gave chase and captured one of the two attacking boats. Those pirates sure looked like pussies giving up. In my opinion the French should have deep-sixed those friggin’ assholes. Instead they’ll be “arrested” and treated way more civilly than they deserve.

From what I hear the Somalia overlords who are behind piracy attacks have made a lot of ransom money, which is why the attacks continue. It would certainly be quite easy to identify them in a country that is dirt poor. I don’t understand why they just don’t drop in some smart bombs on those motherfuckers.

In any case, that’s two similar stories within the last week of justice served cold and in instantaneous fashion. You sure made some bad moves, creeps. Too bad all cases of thuggery can’t come to such satisfying conclusions!