Friday morning my wife and I were in Portland, Oregon, on our way to the zoo. (More on that later.) We had ridden MAX, the light rail system, into downtown and had to transfer lines in Pioneer Square (AKA Portland’s Living Room).
While there, we saw the new Apple store. It was early in the morning and it wasn’t opened yet.
The architecture was Lego Meets Glass. It was a rectangular building with a long back wall covered with assorted goodies and three other walls consisting of giant panels of glass. The simple design spoke of transparency, projecting an airy, light, sense of come-see-what-we’ve-got. Sleek, clear, simple and white. And, although I didn’t know it at the time, there’s also a lawn on the roof.
I said to my wife, “I’ll bet there’s at least 57 iPads in there.” (Homage to Steve Martin.)
Inside one solitary worker sat at a desk feverishly clicking, thinking and doing about Apple stuff.
In front, slowly traversing the entire length of the store at a leisurely pace, were two security guards. They looked bored out of their minds. I forgot to look to see if they were armed, but we are talking about an Apple store, right? The place was obviously where riches were stored.
There’s not going to be an Oceans 7.1.1 heist here today. Not on my iWatch!
Suddenly a man approached the front of the building. The security guards sniffed him but apparently he checked out. He arrived at the front door and waved at the man inside. He was special. He measured up. He got to go inside.
I’d heard that Apple stores have something called a Genius Bar but I didn’t see a single bottle of booze. Hell if I was going there for a drink.
Unfortunately we couldn’t wait around all day. We had a train to catch. Before we turned away I saw a security guard hock up a loogie the size of an iPod Nano and launch it on the shiny white steps. The guards leisurely turned and began shuffling towards each other again. A vision of the North Korea border suddenly leapt unbidden to my mind.
I felt tingles. This portended good. Suddenly I knew the trip to the zoo was going to be something special. Things were happening. We walked a block and waited for our ride while looking at a Nike swoosh symbol the size of the Titanic.
Pine Near Whoa Man: Vegetarian Cowboy Pizza
When you go vegetarian there is a surprising truth that awaits that takes you totally by surprise: Cheese instantly becomes the most important lover in your life.
No longer do you ask the question, “What’s for dinner?”
Continue reading →
Pine Near Whoa Man: Cleansing Quiche
Ever heard the expression, “I’ll wash your mouth out with soap?” I have. A lot.
Today we’ll literally do that and enjoy a delicious quiche – all at the same time!
I learned how to make my first quiche during three years of French in high school. That’s also where I got my first taste of escargot or what most of us call “snails.” Loosely translated, escargot in English means “chewy disgusting life forms drowned in butter.”
Recently I came across a bottle of Lemongrass & Basil Antibacterial Hand Soap. Damn, that stuff smells good. Now I get hungry every time I wash my hands.
So I decided to combine the best of both worlds. I now present my humble creation, Cleansing Quiche. Viola!
Cleaning Quiche ala Shouts
3 tablespoons olive oil, plus more for drizzling
1 cup Wheat Thins Snack Crackers – Sundried Tomato & Basil
1/2 cup sliced onions
1 teaspoon chopped, fresh marjoram
Freshly ground black pepper
3/4 cup Lemongrass & Basil Antibacterial Hand Soap
3 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Roll Wheat Thins with a rolling pin until finely crushed. This may be done in small batches.
3. Drizzle olive oil in a skillet and cook onions and marjoram over medium heat for two minutes until onions are translucent.
4. Combine salt, pepper and eggs in a bowl and stir until combined.
5. Gently fold hand soap into egg mixture. Do not over stir or bubbling may occur.
6. Add the egg mixture to the sautéed onions and stir to incorporate the onions. Cook the frittata on the stovetop until the eggs start to set, then transfer the skillet to the oven. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes, or until firm.
Variations: Increase hand soap to two cups and use uncooked mixture as a delicious cleansing colonic. Pour into a pre-warmed collins glass. Serves 1 to 2.
Go ahead and indulge with a spew of profanity before enjoying your first bite of this inspired quiche. Might as well slip a freebie in before deliciously washing your mouth out with every soapy bite.
This invention was inspired by this tweet:
Is it okay to drink Lemongrass & Basil antibacterial hand soap? It smells delicious!
Did you give them your money?
I guess you could call this the next chapter in the saga I’m loosely calling: Did you give them your money??? You’ll find my first volley on this topic in a previous blog post entitled: Chip Clip – The Power to Fuck You.
My general theory goes like this:
Giving someone your money is giving them the power to fuck you.
A few months ago my wife bought a Faberware 8-cup percolator coffee pot from Amazon.com. It looks like the product pictured here.
It seemed to have nice reviews. It was $44.99. It was Faberware, which, I admit, I don’t know much about, but that seemed to be a nice name brand. I’d at least heard of them before.