Dear Guru: Say Yes
Today I take time out to pass along an important and wonderful piece of wisdom that has brought immediate and innumerable benefits to my interpersonal relationships. It works with your lovers and, just maybe, even your spouse.
In a nutshell, the secret is this: Find a way to say, “Yes.”
That’s it. Therein lies the key to unlocking exciting new worlds of mystery and imagination. Seldom in life do we encounter such transformative power in six simple words. Find a way to say yes. That’s all you have to do.
I’ve adapted this technique in my daily life and I happily bear witness to the awe and sense of wonder it brings.
Please allow me a few moments to demonstrate how it works.
“Do I look fat?”
“Yes.”
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want the last cookie?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever cheated on me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have a headache?”
“Yes.”
“Were you killed in that car accident?”
“Yes.”
I don’t often fall for quick fix gimmicks but in this case I have to admit, it really works. If you give it a try, please use the comment section below to let me know how it goes.
Yes.
Dear Guru: Mustard Sally
I’m withholding my otherwise witty comment.
Q.
Why do we put mustard on hot dogs?
—#Kzinti #from #Twitter
A.
I’ll be happy to answer that perceptive question. But first I feel the urge to sing.
Mustard Sally, think you better slow your mustard down.
Mustard Sally, think you better slow your mustard down.
You been running all over my hot dog.
Oh! I guess we’ll have to have your mustard on the ground.
Yo, cat! Sup? I have to say thanks for the question. I relish this opportunity. I shall endeavor to layer my response. Yep. Like an ogre. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers.
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Dear Guru: Offended
Dear Guru,
I feel offended.
Signed,
Offended
That’s not much of a question but I’ll take what I can get. -Ed.
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Theorizing About You
Sung to the tune of Old Toy Trains:
Disembodied brains
Existing in a jar
A theory not disproved
No matter who you are
A theory from a man
Messin’ with your head
Little fool, can you even know
If you are alive or dead
The wife is out of town so I finally got to watch some Stephen Hawking on Netflix. (Sorry, Northern Exposure. You’re officially on hiatus.) I promptly wrote the song above. Thanks a lot, Steve.
Actually, without even knowing it, I twixed the mind master of disaster a long time ago. You see, I’ve long had this theory of my own.
In my version, I am the only person who really exists. An evil all-powerful genius creates a bubble of reality, with me at the center, that follows me around no matter where I go. Places, things and yes, even people, are all illusions created to torment my existence. Apparently the meaning of life is to torture me, the humble innocent. The most probable explanation is that He’s writing a sequel to the Book of Job.
If my theory is true, that means I’m talking to myself right now. Touché, touché!
The point of the brain in a vat thought experiment is that the theory can’t be disproven, therefore, it’s possible. I like to think probable. It also shows that scientists will gleefully rip from the inventive world of Hollywood for their own selfish means. Isn’t there some way to protect us from the scientists?
Oh, almost forgot. They aren’t real, either.
Dear Guru: The Gift of Stolen Moments
Welcome to a new semi-regular feature here in the sludge mines. I’m calling it “Dear Guru.” This is where you get to ask me, the self-proclaimed Guru of Negativity, advice questions and I respond by insulting you and/or your intelligence. Why would anyone sign up for this kind of treatment? Perhaps that should be your first question. The questions are flooding in so get on yours quickly if you want some attention. I imagine this column will repeat about every five years or so depending on how many questions are received. Now on to our first victims. -Ed.
Q.
Hey, hey, guru. I want to marry you.
A.
Fool! That wasn’t phrased in the form of a question!
A prawn is like five or six shrimp!
—
Q.
Dear Guru,
I have a dilemma I hope you can help me with. I have a best friend of 40+ years. This friend gives me gifts for birthdays and holidays. I know for a fact that this friend has shoplifted these gifts as this friend confessed to me several years ago. I do not feel right accepting these gifts. Even with her shortcomings she is very dear to me and I don’t want to hurt her. What should I do?
Signed,
Fanny from Fort Fear
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Hanging Out My Shingles
Now that I’m a successful small business owner (one day and counting) and a veritable piece of Americana, my mind has turned to other business opportunities. Where else can I spread?
My idea is a retail location known as The Nothing Goes Store. The sign on the front door says it all:
- No electronic devices of any kind permitted on these premises
- No wifi offered
- No headphones allowed
- No customers
- No soliciting
- No products
- No music
- No talking
- $20 cover charge
- No outside food or beverages
- No eye contact
- No touching
- No nudity
- No clothing
- No guns
- No addictions
That’s about it. Come in and have a seat. You won’t be served in the order of arrival. Charter memberships are still not available. No ground floor opportunities are available. Past performance may not be indicative of future results. Therefore, no current or prospective client should assume that the future performance of any specific nothingness (including the advise dispensed by the guru), will be profitable or equal to past performance levels.
The Company You Keep
“Company.”
The dictionary defines the word as “a commercial business.”
Wikipedia, as usual, is a bit more verbose:
“A company is an association or collection of individuals, people or “warm-bodies” or else contrived “legal persons” (or a mixture of both). Company members share a common purpose and unite in order to focus their various talents and organize their collectively available skills or resources to achieve specific, declared goals. Companies take various forms such as [a] … [b]usiness entity with an aim of gaining a profit.”
Source: Wikipedia – Company
“Warm bodies?” Holy shit. Wikipedia nails it. Again!
The business manager stormed into the meeting and saw a lot of empty chairs. “God damn it,” he bellowed. “Get me more warm bodies in here!”
Most of us born and bred in the United States wholly swallow – hook, line and sinker – the premise that a company is an organization comprised of human beings with the shared goal of making money, i.e., acquiring profit.
My purpose here today is debate the other point of view, that this concept we’ve so fully accepted is complete and utter horseshit.
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Shouts from the Abyss 
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