Such Nice Boys
As a pubic service, from time to time, I take the lyrics from hit songs, roll ’em around in my head a bit, think and ponder, and run them through the universal translator.
Do they mean something? I’ll find out.
“Hey, nonny, ding, dong!”
Yikes. Something tells me this one is going to be far too easy. As easy as drilling for oil in the quiffed pompadour of a 50s doo-wop singer.
Today’s blue plate special is a rockin’ little ditty from 1954 called Sh-Boom as performed by The Crew-Cuts.
Trivoids: Sh-Boom was originally an R&B hit for The Chords.
Now every time I look at you
(hey you, across the room, i’m creepin’ from a distance)
Something is on my mind
(i’ll give you a hint, it’s sex!!)
(is my clever onomatopoeia subtle enough?)
If you do what I want you to
(romance is doing what the man wants)
Baby, we’d be so fine
(by “we” i mean he who must be obeyed)
Think about these lyrics. Really think about them. I think you’ll see what I mean. If this song doesn’t make you want to Elvis your pelvis you don’t know diddly.
Baby You Can Drive My Truck
Everyone has a right to my opinion and I carry a toilet plunger to make sure it’s forced as deep as possible down your throat.
I’m talking about, of course, everyone on the internet. That’s pretty much what it has come down to, right?
Take, for example, a video posted two days ago on YouTube of a road rage incident described as “Redneck Road Rage” and “Instant Karma.” The video quickly went viral. As I write this post it already has over 5 million views. Wow.
Click here to be transported to a dream world of YouTube magic: Redneck Road Rage / Instant Karma
According to the description on the video, the woman was forced to disable comments after she was issued “umpteenth” death threats and called “a b!#$h/c$%t/whore/slut” a “billion” times.
A Very Penis Christmas
Advisory: This post contains the werd “penis.” We suggest you keep this out of your inbox.
‘Twas the night before Christmas
And I know it sounds corny
But famous white celebrities
And Tiger! – were feeling quite horny
Continue reading →
Caucus: The Congressional Reach-Around
Contrary to rampant speculation, I am not a woman.
Clearly, I’m not a man, either. I guess I fall somewhere in the middle. There’s an ambiguity about me unlike, say, Mike Rowe, who literally sweats testosterone. Damn, just the act of typing his name made my testicles flex. I’d sure like to find out what would happen if my negativity field ever crossed streams with his masculinity. It would probably destroy the space-time continuum and everything in it.
Once upon a time there was a Congressman named Weiner. He was the hot dog of the Democratic party. You just can’t make up shit like this. And I just read a headline that said, “Weiner’s seat could go Republican.” Damn. Even his own ass is turning on him? Wow. At least his staff will remain fiercely independent. (Heh!) All three political parties represented within a single man. Impressive.
Repeat after me: Caucus. Caucus. Caucus.
That word has absolutely nothing to do with this story. But it’s still a word that needs to be said. Preferably out loud.
So, what’s the take away here? Oops. Bad choice of words. You know, this isn’t easy. It’s hard. So I’ll try to be brief.
There’s something I don’t understand about men. Once I had a mailbox and I was asked by a friend if she could use it for a personal ad in the local newspaper. The ad instructed respondents (men) to send replies to “occupant” at my mailing address. The ad was not sexual in any way, shape or form. It was cleverly and humorously written and was a sincere attempt to find someone to date.
If you’ve put two and two together regarding this post so far, you can probably guess what happened next. Yeppers! A mailbox jammed full of letters containing photographs of men’s junk.
A Safety Tip About Mail Boxes
My mailbox was with a private company, not an official USPS Post Office. And because the letters were addressed to “occupant” they went ahead and helped themselves to my mail, even though the letters were properly addressed to my box. I checked with the local postmaster who told me that since my mail was addressed to their address, they could legally open my mail and they was nothing I could do about it. Good to know. And I was paying for this privilege? Safety Tip: Never use a mail drop except those offered by the official post office. Great. Now those people thought I was some kind of pervert, like I collected pictures of penises. I was so pissed, I canceled my box.
What gives? Aside from Congressmen and NFL quarterbacks, who seriously thinks this is a workable method of approaching the opposite sex? Is it good form? Does it have a high success rate? Is this really the most important attribute that women care about, the thing they want to see most when making dating decisions?
Like I said, I’m no woman, so I can only speculate, but if I had to guess, I think it would go a little like this:
Woman: Tell me a little bit about yourself.
Man: I have a penis.
Woman: You know, I assumed as much. What else is interesting about you?
Man: I have a penis. Here. This is a picture of my penis.
Woman: Ugh. What do you do for a living?
Man: I have a penis.
Woman: Where are you from? Have you ever been married? Politics? Religion? Hobbies? Travel? Volunteering?
Man: I have a penis!
Woman: Okay. Great. This has been very informative. I’d like to say it has been a pleasure, but, you know. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
Man: I have a penis.
Woman: I said, “Good day!!!”
I’d have to say, in my humble opinion, there’s a big problem with The Penis Gambit. What I mean is, if it actually works, is that really the sort of woman you’d be interested in? Erm, scratch that. I forgot to think like a man there for a moment. Forgive me.
It actually boggles my mind how offensive this sort of thing is. The audacity required for The Penis Gambit is literally staggering. It must require an ego the size of Greenland.
The Happy Happy Penis Club
If you can’t beat it, cheat it…
There was simply no predicting that even Arnold Schwarzenegger would be a cheater.
True, he used to attend orgies. True, he cheated on his girlfriend of five years. True, he had an “open relationship” with his next girlfriend. True, there was Gropegate, before his first run for governor, when he was accused by several women of grabbing their breasts, putting his hand up their skirts, and talking to them inappropriately about sex acts.
If only there had been some sort of sign! I’m shocked and this all comes as a complete surprise to me.
So, in order to better understand this phenomenon, I’m thinking I should turn to a trusted lifelong companion for answers. And by that I mean the television.
What we need now is reality TV – and lots of it.
So I did some thinking and came up with some new show ideas. Hopefully I can pitch these ideas to network executives so this important programming can see the light of day.
Honey I Dunk My Penis – Men go on a talk show and reveal their cheating ways to their spouses in a surprise “gotcha” format.
The Talking Heads (AKA Cock Talk) – A discussion show in round-table format featuring the best and the brightest in the field including: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Newt Gingrich, Brett Farve, John Edwards, Rupert Murdoch, Ted Haggard and many, many, many, many more.
Brotherhood of the Traveling Penis Pants – This show follows the sexploits of four men who form an arrangement that they can only cheat when they are in possession of a magical pair of pants they all share.
The Political Staff – “Hard” hitting talk show about politics, cheating politicians and their dreams and aspirations to be president.
Whip-It-Out – Married men have to traverse an erotic obstacle course known as the Whip-It-Out Zone. Only one can reach the thrilling climax at the end and walk away with $50,000 and a case of crabs.
Have Penis-Will Travel – Infidelity done stylishly with an old West theme.
Highway to Penis Heaven – A weekly hour-long drama about a traveling salesman who nails women in every town he visits and occasionally gets back home to see his wife and kids who don’t suspect a thing.
America’s Next Top Faithful Husband – Tila Tequila hosts a Big Brother mansion filled with married men who must Survivor an Amazing Race to Temptation Island. Each week another cheater is voted out of the house until only the Faithful Husband remains and is crowned America’s most faithful man. The prize? He gets to keep his wife and family. And a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.
From the album Hi Infidelity:
Country & Western bonus:
Drums and Oscars
The first video is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. The second is a movie that was overlooked by Academy love. No Oscar for you. Even with key performances by Ed Harris, Al Pacino, Alec Baldwin, Jack Lemon and Alan Arkin.
Tool’s Hooker with a Penis
Glen & Gary & Glen & Ross (preview rated NC-17)
Bonus video: Mama Compensation (A day in the Life of Tom B. Taker)