A Tom B. Taker Christmas
There it was. In the mailbox. A legitimate Christmas miracle. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. Instead of darkness I beheld a world of twinkly light.
It was beautiful! I felt alive. I loved everything I could see. I sprinted out into the street and hugged the garbage man. He was beautiful. He looked really surprised. Maybe I should have worn pants but there was no time for that.
In my hands I held a Christmas card. It was even addressed to me. To me! Someone had sent me a Christmas card. A bona fide recipient of the Ribbon of Participation. I was finally somebody.
“God bless us, every one!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I’d never felt a stronger sense of belonging.
Yes, it was time for a let down.
Firewater Fireworks
In general, the lower the IQ the greater the thrill from fireworks and twinkly noisy thingies.
Word from the western front arrived early. It was going to be a “heat advisory” kind of a day. We hunkered in our bunkers and prepared for the worst. I put on a pair of clean tighty whities. Because:
To brine thine own self be true.
–Tom B. Taker
I was already looking forward to the salt water sores in my private areas. You know what they say. “Fight ’em over there or in your underwear.” Like always I choose the latter.
Day 1
Sunday night the neighbor set up a table saw in his front yard. He ran that sucker until 11:36 pm. On a work night. I kid you not. I believe this is the exact storyline of the movie Saw.
Day 2
Even more table saw. It was all squee … squee … squee … when the hours were wee.
What every happened to politeness? Basic manners? Please and thank you? All as dead as my peace of mind and peace and quiet.
Two nights of noise in a row. The urge to fling poo was becoming unbearable. Somehow, though, I was able to hold on.
But, little did I know it at the time, those two nights were merely flanking feints. The best was still yet to come.
Boom Shack-A-Lak!
Continue reading →
Storming The Castle
Once every lifetime or so I am granted the gift of insight. There’s a flash of light and suddenly I know something. The words that immediately follow the flash are generally pithy and pregnant with deep meaning.
“Holy shit! Fuck yeah.”
You can quote me on that.
Something like this happened to me the other day. And, my lords and ladies, it happened whilst my castle was under siege. It was a very trebuchet experience. I shall regale you with the tale anon.
Continue reading →
Under Siege: Just Want A Nap
The other day I wrote about the army of youngling solicitors that have been carpet bombing our house trying to divorce me from my wallet. If they’d just double my property taxes I’d get a lot more peace and quiet so it would be worth it.
What happened to the American dream? My guess is that Donald Trump bought it and subdivided it. And installed special plumbing so they don’t just get water, they get a little icy beverage known as Trump Ice. It’s better than water.
I must be something special. It seems the whole world is after my wallet. It works a little something like this:
Continue reading →
School’s In For Bummer
Greetings and solicitations!
It used to be that the school year was a happy time. A time when the junior-sized asshole humans were (mostly) out from underfoot. Ahhhh. Those were the days.
No more.
You can blame it all on politics and unions and Tea Parties and partisanship and vouchers and hog wallerin’ and mud slingin’ and clean campaigns and dirty campaigns and COLA and inflation and school boards and lots, lots more.
Is an army of darkness one of the seven seals of Armageddon? Or maybe it was a vial? I can never keep those things straight.
Make no mistake. Let me be clear. War has been declared. And war is Hell. Tranquility has been attacked and tranquility will be defended. Even if I have to asplode.
If you want to enlist, make the jump.
Continue reading →
A proud member of the human feces
I’m going to be honest. (There’s a first time for everything.) When I’m watching hard news and the word “feces” makes an appearance, my ears perk right up. I mean hard news. Like the BBC. Not other news like Bieberbait and assorted blabber.
Let us try a little thought experiment before I tell you which news story contained the word “feces.” It’s a simple “IF … THEN” type of thought experiment.
Tom’s Proposition #42
If there is no God then humans sure do a lot of unjustifiable wonky shit in the name of something that doesn’t exist.
Can you do it? Can you actually imagine what it means if there really is no God? Think about all of the “evil” stuff that humans have done and continue to do to each other based on religious beliefs.
On the other hand, if there really is a God, you still have to grapple with the fundamental question: What is it he/she wants us to do? Who among us humans really has the corner on that sort of truth?
Continue reading →
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments