Hanging Out My Shingles
Now that I’m a successful small business owner (one day and counting) and a veritable piece of Americana, my mind has turned to other business opportunities. Where else can I spread?
My idea is a retail location known as The Nothing Goes Store. The sign on the front door says it all:
- No electronic devices of any kind permitted on these premises
- No wifi offered
- No headphones allowed
- No customers
- No soliciting
- No products
- No music
- No talking
- $20 cover charge
- No outside food or beverages
- No eye contact
- No touching
- No nudity
- No clothing
- No guns
- No addictions
That’s about it. Come in and have a seat. You won’t be served in the order of arrival. Charter memberships are still not available. No ground floor opportunities are available. Past performance may not be indicative of future results. Therefore, no current or prospective client should assume that the future performance of any specific nothingness (including the advise dispensed by the guru), will be profitable or equal to past performance levels.
Turds of a Feather
Credit: Some asshole with an iPod.
Did you notice? Yesterday I didn’t try to pull any of that April Fool’s Day crap on you. I respected you as a person. That simple act of mature restraint elevated me above the likes of Google and the makers of Minecraft. For hate’s sake I claim the higher ground.
The higher ground is mine! Neener, neener, neener. In yo face!
And now I’ve lost it again. Excuse me a moment while I crawl back under the bottom of this barrel here. Ah, there’s no place like home.
Feather Flags: Empirical proof that capitalistic greed grabs take far more precedence than the visual appearance of a community.
–Tom B. Taker
Why not make an entire community look like the inner ring of a toilet when it can make a few assholes a few extra bucks, right?
I give you the humble feather flag (genus flapus fuckus).
Continue reading →
Interview Success – Honesty Can Suck It
The other day when I wrote about Facebook being the new creepy I got so worked up and excitable that I completely forgot the point. The main point. Writing an entire article and forgetting the primary thrust. Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell. And in more ways than one, if you get my thrust. (Wink, wink.)
This is part two in our ongoing series entitled Shit I Forgot To Say. Enjoy!
Let’s say you’re the elite. You wisely went out and got yourself a shiny Facebook page.
You voluntarily put your real name on it.
You populated the account with a myriad of pictures of your wonderful countenance. Because the world needs more of that. Yeah.
And then, gasp, you did something truly out there. You went way beyond the pale.
You spoke the truth about that fig pucker, your boss.
Obviously you can never have a job again.
Continue reading →
Facebook is the new creepy
Click image to see the rest of this funny from The Joy of Tech.
Facebook. The nightmare that won’t go away. Even the name gives me the heebie-jeebies. Let’s break it down.
“Face.” Bingo! Right out of the gate they reach in for the jugular and pull the ripcord hard. So we know straight up this isn’t exactly going to be the most subtle experience around. The face is the one part of myself I hate the most. Don’t look at me! I am an animal!
“Book.” They want you to think tomes here. As in a dusty librarian gettin’ all up in the grill of knowledge. That’s what they want you to think. That it’s a noun. In actuality, however, it’s a verb. An ominous motherfucking verb. As in: “Make an official record of the name and other personal details of (a criminal suspect or offender).”
Check it: People who use Facebook are voluntarily lining up like pigs to the slaughter to check themselves into jail. Fact: The original name proposed for Facebook was Lemmings-R-Us.
No wonder Facebook is in the news so often.
Now you must poke the jump if you ever hope to find your way to the like button for this post.
Continue reading →
Boss cancer
If you ever want to feel really depressed, do a google image search on the word cancer. Now I want to die. I picked this image as it is one of the more uplifting ones.
Even though the boss does everything in his power to prevent it, the new company website is proceeding at a snail’s pace. He frequently brags to people how this project has been his baby for “years” now. Yeah, excelling at being an idiot is something to be proud of. Remember: Boss is another word for the opposite of results.
This week something strange happened. In spite of the boss’ efforts, a customer actually placed an order and attempted to buy some of his inane shit.
It was an odd moment.
Continue reading →
It’s a job
How would you come off if someone secretly recorded video of you doing your job? Would you pass that test? Would you come through with flying colors?
Continue reading →
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments