Sneaky Snarky Tweet
Boys and girls take warning, if you go near the tweet
Don’t follow too many, your timeline will overheat
Now maybe they won’t see you, maybe they won’t hark
When you sneak up behind them, while laughing at your snark
Today I give out my patented top secret technique for managing your Twitter account. Just the other day I gave away my patented Tort Reform Quiz for Dummies absolutely free. Now here I go again, giving away the store. For free!
My patents are flying out the door. I think I must be patently insane. It’s all part of my gift to you, the loyal reader.
Have you ever followed anyone on Twitter only to be irritated by how they keep on tweeting additional shit? So annoying! Like they actually believe someone gives a shit? I know!
Sure, you could unfollow them but that’s the coward’s way out. If only there was some other way?
Now there is! Read on to learn my secret technique. Shhhhhh! This is only between you and me. Don’t tell anyone.
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Windows on my pain
This weekend I did something I should have done about one year ago when I got my new iMac. I dragged out an ethernet cable, hooked it up to the old PC running Windows XP, and began the arduous task of retrieving my data.
First I had to get the computers to talk to each other. I thought it will be a process like finding the other computer on the local network and clicking it and being prompted for a username and password. I figured the latter would be no big deal because I was the “administrator” on both of the computers.
Wrong.
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Seeking investors: Ground floor opportunity (via Shouts from the Abyss)
I’m short on time, energy, ideas and skill today. That means it’s time for a reblog and a video, boys and girls!
First up, the video. I’d like to send this out as a long distance dedication. Also, the topic is somewhat fitting since I’m reblogging my own post. That has gots to be naughty.
I highly recommend this video for those of you who have good taste. It’s also a timeless classic from a masterful writer and director. I give it two hard drives up. Way the fuck up!
Next, I’ve got a new business idea percolating in my brain. I hope to share the idea with you all soon. Until then, I’m still looking for investors for the last idea. Amazingly there is still a chance to get in on that action before it’s too late. Read on before you make the biggest mistake of your life.
Don’t forget to check out my mad Photoshop skills on the logo, which I did myself! 🙂
Seeking investors: Ground floor opportunity
It be subtle, but that switch is in the 'off' position - heh!
As a self-styled “inventor” I like coming up with fresh new ideas.
I’ve been thinking a lot about so-called “social media” lately and wondering, “Is there a way I can milk that cash cow, too?”
What I need is a way to put my own twist of negativity on sites like Facebook and MySpace.
That’s about when I had the idea for my next big thing. I’m calling it “anti-social media.” (Alas, a Google search reveals I’m not the first to dream up this particular phrase. It’s damn hard to be completely original these days.)
My very own spin, however, is to take that phrase and loosely apply it to the social networking phenomenon. My concept is a web site called NothingShare.com. I’ve already made the logo for the site, too.
The premise for the service is simple. Just like social sites, people will sign up and create their online personas. The rub is that they’ll never be seen. Ever.
I like the elegant simplicity of that. There will be no friends. All invitation requests will automatically be handled (and rejected) by the service. An “accept” button will not exist.
Backgrounds? Only one will be offered, in black, of course.
There will be at least one online game. Perhaps something like iQuicksand. “You’ve just sunk three more inches. Your request for rope has been answered by 0 friends.” Yeah, that sounds like good clean fun to me!
The primary function of the service will be something I’m calling “profile masturbation.” Visit the site, log in, and tweak your profile to your heart’s content. Upload your “avatar” image. Quippishly enter your favorite quotes. List all of your favorite TV shows, types of music, iTunes playlists, and books you’ve read recently. Come up with pithy and clever snippets that prove how fucking witty you are. If you’re having fun, that’s great! You’re the only one on the planet who will ever have the chance to enjoy it.
What is needed now is investment capital. If you love the concept as much as me, it’s time to open your hearts (along with your wallets) and get me da money. It’s scrilla time. Operators are standing by. (Unfortunately, just like friend invites, their phones can’t accept incoming calls.)
Start-Up Costs Estimate Sheet – Total Needed: $2,507,595
Domain name: $10
Design: $25
Web Hosting: $60
Licensing fees for Taco Bell’s “Black Taco” to be company mascot: $7,500
CEO Bonus: $2.5 million
In exchange for your generous donations I’m offering private stock certificates in equal amounts. I’m calling these “Nothing Shares.” And they are literally priceless, if you know what I mean.
I can’t wait to show you my NothingShare.com profile (or not). This is gonna be epic!
Macrocost nutworking
Microsoft to the rescue, making our lives harder than we ever dreamed possible
I’m proud to be #2 in Google for the search term: MacroCost
Quite proud, actually. Macrocost ™ is a little something I invented to make fun of Microsoft. Get it? Hoooooweeeee I crack myself up.
So, anyway, the reason this popped into my head right now…
MICROSOFT IS THE EVER LIVING ZOMBIE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!
Or something to that effect.
At the moment we are engaged in a “project” here at work. That, of course, is code for: We are up to our hips in shit. You know, the typical “we completely failed to plan” time crunch. And by “we” I mean the boss. And there is lots of yelling around here, like, “Move like you’ve got a purpose, maggots!”
Naturally when the chips are down and time is critical we turn to Microsoft to make sure we are completely and irrevocably fucked. I think that actual language can be found in their EULA which takes effect the nanosecond your retina looks in the direction of the five-dimensional authenticity hologram found on their boxes of software. I remember quite distinctly turning to my companion at the time I felt my eyeballs ping and saying, “I think I just got holo-raped.”
Random Factoid: Microsoft spends about 500,000 man hours per release of Windows on the authenticity hologram. Seven hours are spent on new features and other various improvements. 12,000 hours are spent on bug fixes. 24,000 hours are spent on the project code name.
If our enterprise was in the 24th century, the conversation might go down a little something like this:
Cmdr. Riker: Main engines just took a direct hit!
Capt. Picard: Options?
Riker: Eject the core. The resulting explosion should knock us clear.
Picard: Make it so, Number One!
Riker: Riker to Engineering. Geordi, we’ve got to eject the core in sixty seconds or we’re all dead!
Lt. Cmdr. Geordi La Forge: Umm, yeah, we’ve got a bit of a delay here. Microsoft Starship Console says, “Not Responding.” I’m going to have to get back to you on that.
[boom]
Luckily, for us, the situation isn’t quite that dire. We are merely in the business of selling actual pieces of shit to obliviots who are informally known around here as “customers.” To get our priority project done right away we need to share files between two office computers. Hey, that should be a perfect job for Windows Networking, right?
Dammit, I still can’t see your Public folder!
Is the little hand icon visible?
I don’t know! Where is that supposed to be? Right click and Properties?
Oh crap. I just clicked the wrong menu option. Now we’ll have to wait five more minutes for it to fail and tell us that the “network resource” is “not available.”
Oh my God. You’re kidding, right?
Nope.
Hang on! Something happened! Now it says, “Microsoft Word (not responding).”
At least it did something. That’s a good sign, right?
We are fucked.
Yep, our old friend Windows Networking. It doesn’t work and every time you click something you have to wait about five minutes for it to fail before you can try something else. Nope, the ESCAPE key and/or the little clickable red X are not your friends here. They are powerless. Nothing short of waiting interminably will do. Indubitably!
Try something else and wait five more minutes. Rinse. Repeat.
I’m so grateful we put our eggs in the Microsoft basket. Seriously. Where else can you get paid to have fun like this?
Shouts from the Abyss 
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