Philanthropy: A Wing And A Prayer
The Tom B. Taker Wing
The problem with money is that too much of it in one place creates wealth. (It’s easy to imagine if you try.)
Money, an imaginary construct born of the human mind, is better at some things than others. What it may be absolutely worst at, perhaps, is as a yardstick for measuring the worth of human beings.
My personal theory is that the more you have the less likely you are to be deserving of it. And that truly stratospheric acquisition of wealth doesn’t provide enough atmosphere to sustain life. That’s why those with that much wealth have skin that looks like the surface of the moon.
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Blockages: The Tony Vlachos Story #Survivor
There are two things I like. The reality TV show Survivor and the reality social show Twitter. These are a few of my favorite things.
Survivor is a delight as a little microcosm of humanity. An animated diorama world of greed and bad behavior inside the magic box. What’s not to like?
Twitter, with its 140-character limit, is a short and sweet. In the right hands it can be art form. In the wrong hands? “I’m on the can” or “I’m drinking a smoothie.” Often in the very same tweet.
I’ve been religiously watching Survivor since day one when Richard Hatch won the inaugural season in Borneo. I never miss an episode.
Earlier this year, when Survivor Cagayan, the 28th season, was announced, I did something new. I used Twitter to interact with some contestants on the show. The worlds of Survivor and Twitter collided like chocolate in my peanut butter.
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Small Apologies
Today’s premise: There’s no such thing as an apology. But first, let’s go shopping!
Who ever said that shopping for greeting cards can’t be fun?
Have you ever really thought about apologies? I mean like really hard? Like pausing Nirvana and putting down the smartphone and thinking? I tried it. And the only conclusion I could come up with is that there’s no such thing as an apology.
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Punt/Counterpunt: #Selfie
This is first in a new series of posts I’m calling Punt/Counterpunt. In this provocative new regular feature, I tackle the tough societal issues of the day. Issues that we all see staring down the barrel. To help, I humbly offer my insights in short miroblogging nuggets of wisdom. -Ed.
The Selfie
With the inclusion of the word “selfie” in the Oxford Dictionary the time has come for me to punt on this topic. Warning: Don’t ever ever Google Image Search this word, like in case you are preparing to write a blog post about the topic. Your eyes will burn and roll down your face like jelly in a George R. R. Martin novel.
You have been warned.
And now, without further ado, the puntage:
Make the jump for more.
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Searching the dark recesses
The internet is pretty good at having information but not always so good at the sharing of it.
“Did you see that video? Thing You Did With A Banana? It was so funny!”
Nope. Never heard of it. Now I feel more left out and more like an outlier than ever before. Well played, internet.
You know what’s not well played? The video itself.
There I was, in my own living room, feeling all dejected because when it came to Thing You Did With A Banana I didn’t even qualify for a participant ribbon. Not only had I never seen it. I’d never even heard of it. Since this is how I measure my worth as a human being I was feeling sad and dejected.
Luckily we recently souped up our home entertainment system with a device that has YouTube built in. I decided to undertake a quest. I was going on a mission to search and destroy.
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Updates about: Alert status and Facebook Safety
In my last post I had elevated Abyss Negativity Alert Status to “Game Over.” That is no joke. We are currently operating at 103% of maximum negativity capacity here in the Abyss. I shit you not.
Maximum negativity status is always a special time. It is an exciting time. I can often be heard to exclaim during times like this, “Vive la festival!”
Back in July of this year, I had also posted about how to be careful on the internet and with your Facebook. I recommend you check it out if you haven’t already. The post is entitled I’m sick of worrying about the bad people.
Apparently there are still some people out there who haven’t read my blog. (I know!) These unwitting fools fell victims to crooks who used Facebook to identify when their homes would be vacant so they could be burgled. I call the awesome power of technology helping people. Just like the way the Terminator does, too.
DO NOT USE FACEBOOK, TWITTER, YOUR BLOG OR ANYTHING ELSE ON THE INTERNET TO LET PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GOING ON VACATION AND/OR WILL BE OUT OF TOWN.
It’s that simple. If you want to blow off your narcissistic energies and yell, “Hey, internets! Look at me,” do it the smart way. Write about it after you get back! People will be just as happy to be bored by after the fact as they would before. (Trust me on this.)
Today’s heartwarming tale of goodness is inspired by something along these lines.
Police recently caught some burglars in New Hampshire who used Facebook status updates to find out when people would be gone and then burgle their houses. I bet these victims will think twice the next time they get the urge to shout to the internet ahead of time about their upcoming trip. (At least I hope they will.)
My wife and I recently took a three-day weekend for our anniversary and you can bet your ass Facebook and the blog knew absolutely nothing about it. Period. Bar none. I waited until we were back home before I wrote it. I’ll bet you all can still remember where you were and what you were doing when I finally broke silence about it.
So these burglars reportedly hit a whopping 18 homes (or more) and were caught by police with stolen property estimated to be worth $100,000 to $200,000 in value. Wow.
Here’s the obligatory “stupid dumb criminals” part of the story:
According to local police, investigators tracked down the burglars by listening for the sound of a specific kind of fireworks stolen from a home. When they heard it, they apprehended the suspects and their loot. (Source.)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That is the best belly laugh I’ve had all day! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Edgar Allen Poe would probably call this something like “the dumb robbing the dumb.”
The moral of this story: Listen to Tom you should. Hmm! About your safety Tom cares. Hmmm! Negative he may be but cares he does. Hmmph! For you he writes his blog. Read more you will. Yes? Hmmm!!!*
*Celebrity voice impersonated.
My Twitter Happening Tour
I'm in the bathroom!
Ever see a tweet from someone announcing where they are? The usually look a little something like this: “I’m at Taco Bell (1122 Boogie Boogie Ave, Des Moines).”
Well good for you! If I could live vicariously through your next bite of an Enchirito (TM) I would, but I can’t, so I guess I don’t give a flying shit where the fuck you are and what in the world you just might be eating at Taco Bell.
This is the social networking overlord in action? Gads. What have we become?
So on Thursday I decided to go on a whirlwind tour of some key places in the United States. Not a real tour, mind you. It was a virtual tour with Twitter as my play-by-play announcer. The plan was to make tweets that looked like the real McCoy but were actually hand-generated by yours truly based on my sick mind.
Up first, naturally, was a visit to the proctologist. I wanted there to be a moment of genuine WTF? before it became obvious that I was playing some sort of game. I hope some of you truly speculated, “Why the hell is he tweeting about his visit to a fucking proctologist?” Ha ha!
Two of my favorite people noticed what was up and tweeted about my “happening.” First up with the brilliant Blurt who doesn’t miss much. He offered me a very warm sentiment about the proctologist: “Here’s hoping your doctor has small hands.” Indeed! But then he noticed the geographical impossibilities of my tweets and said to my wife: “He is covering a lot of ground today.” Mwuhahaha!
The only other person to notice (at least enough to comment) was BreaAire who said about my visit to The Area 51 Cafe: “Aliens dropped you off? Or are you waiting for the next pickup?” LOL!
Those who follow me on Twitter at the few, the proud, the apparently deranged. I hope some of you enjoyed my smart-assed version of a social media “happening.”
Here are the happening tweets in all their glory:
I’m at Five Islands Lobster Co. (447 Five Islands Road, Georgetown). about 12 hours ago via web
I’m at White House (1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Northwest, Washington). about 13 hours ago via web
I’m at Ladies of the Night Escorts (9450 Mira Mesa Boulevard, San Diego). about 14 hours ago via web
@blurtblog Boy are my arms tired. about 14 hours ago via web in reply to blurtblog
I’m at Smith Funeral Home & Crematory (405 North Columbus Street, Lancaster). about 15 hours ago via web
I’m at Wasilla City Hall (290 E. Herning Ave., Wasilla). about 16 hours ago via web
I’m at The Lipo SurgeryClinic (14855 Blanco Rd., Suite 100, San Antonio). about 17 hours ago via web
I’m at Area 51 Cafe (901 Northeast Loop 410, San Antonio). about 18 hours ago via web
I’m at Saleeby and Wessels Proctology (3814 Browning Place, Suite 100, Raleigh). about 19 hours ago via web
Shouts from the Abyss 
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