Halloween: Scary and Tragic
This is an acrimonious post. It’s not well written. It’s basically just a stream of consciousness. Pointless, really. I advise you to move along. –Ed.
Do you have happy memories of Halloween nights when you were a kid? Counting and sorting your loot? Secretly getting away with eating too much until you got sick?
If yes, then congratulations. You lived through the experience.
I know of at least four young people from Halloween 2014 that will never get the same chance.
Dear Guru: Mood is a thing for cattle
And now a continuation of the non-award winning Q&A series we like to call Dear Guru. -Ed.
Q.
Dear Guru,
Like you, I run a “blog.” Like you, I try to post every single day. No matter what. But today I strangely find myself not in the mood.
What should I do?
Signed,
Blog Blocked
A.
Dear Blockhead,
Mood is a thing for cattle, you idiot! You blog when the necessity arises—no matter the mood! (Mad props to Gurney Halleck.)
When I find myself in that situation I usually pump out something super lame, like an advice column, and hope that no one notices. The important thing is to use some words.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go stroke my baliset.
Love,
Your Guru
Dear Guru: Offended
Dear Guru,
I feel offended.
Signed,
Offended
That’s not much of a question but I’ll take what I can get. -Ed.
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Dear Guru: The Gift of Stolen Moments
Welcome to a new semi-regular feature here in the sludge mines. I’m calling it “Dear Guru.” This is where you get to ask me, the self-proclaimed Guru of Negativity, advice questions and I respond by insulting you and/or your intelligence. Why would anyone sign up for this kind of treatment? Perhaps that should be your first question. The questions are flooding in so get on yours quickly if you want some attention. I imagine this column will repeat about every five years or so depending on how many questions are received. Now on to our first victims. -Ed.
Q.
Hey, hey, guru. I want to marry you.
A.
Fool! That wasn’t phrased in the form of a question!
A prawn is like five or six shrimp!
—
Q.
Dear Guru,
I have a dilemma I hope you can help me with. I have a best friend of 40+ years. This friend gives me gifts for birthdays and holidays. I know for a fact that this friend has shoplifted these gifts as this friend confessed to me several years ago. I do not feel right accepting these gifts. Even with her shortcomings she is very dear to me and I don’t want to hurt her. What should I do?
Signed,
Fanny from Fort Fear
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Shouts from the Abyss 
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