Hi I’m Tom B. Taker
Source: Photo Monkey (Flickr)
I’m a guru of negativity. I love avoiding people, spending time with my cats, volunteering for one-way missions to Mars and eating tamed jalapeños.
I’m Tom B. Taker and I’m an Atheist.
About Me
When I was young, growing up was hard. On all of us. But especially me. Every day I’d wake up one day older and closer to death. It was during those years that I originally learned that negative thoughts could ensconce and protect me like a warm blanket of pee.
At an early age I was told I would never amount to anything. I adopted that as a core value and proved the naysayers right. I listened to voices in my head, lived my life accordingly, and earned a lot of “participant” ribbons along the way.
Since then, I have learned the most humans are truly despicable creatures. Since the age of 16 I have pursued my dream of being oppressed and discovering everything that is shitty about the workplace and bosses. When it comes to experiencing the underbelly of capitalism and arcane power-based relationships in the quest for the acquisition of wealth I am proud to say of my career, “Mission Accomplished!”
Why I am an Atheist
I realized pretty early on what a force religion could be and when I saw how that force worked, I realized I wanted no part of it. After a time in my life where I’d believe almost anything and fell for several different religions in quick succession, I sobered up and realized that none of that stuff ever felt right to me. I simply didn’t believe. Over time I learned that this sort of belief was known as atheism and I took to it like a tormented parent forced to kill a demon-possessed child. The more I paid attention to the world around me and how it worked the stronger my faith became.
Also, that whole “I’m a Mormon” campaign thing. That pretty much pushed me over the edge. Like the media blitz they are currently conducting in London tube stations and buses. Wondering in awe at one of the most secretive organizations in the world spending so much wealth on advertising helped answer a lot of my questions.
How I live my faith
Unlike my faithful friends across the aisle, I try to treat each person I meet with dignity and respect. One way I do this is by not shoving my beliefs down their throat. Like an idiot, I also strive to live by the golden rule, even to the folks who always seem so busy yet always willing to take the time to tell me how, one day, I’ll be rotting in Hell. I foolishly believe that this world should be as good and fair as possible for all people, and not just a privileged few.
Rather than believe everything I hear, I embrace the principles of logic and science, and attempt to be a critical thinker when analyzing the world around me. My goal is to see the world and all of reality as it is, unfiltered by dogma, programming, parental garbage, and cultural idiosyncrasies, and so-called ancient wisdoms passed down from generation to generation.
Tom B. Taker lives in an abandoned lighthouse in Oklahoma with his two cats and enjoys eating Mexican food.
Honey Boo Boo Impersonation Contest
The spawner of Honey Boo Boo.
Finally, this is your chance to win.
An opportunity like this comes along only every so often. Gobble it up while you still can.
It’s the Honey Boo Boo Impersonation Contest.
The idea is simple. Pick one of the following phrases, record your impersonation, and share it with us. Our select Panel of Judging will pick a lucky winner who will be showered with indeterminate prizes that may or may not exist.
I know it sounds too good to be true. But wait, there’s more. Oh my God, there’s always more. Hey, cameraman! Get a shot of that, will ya?
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Universal Feedback
Call it feedback, validation or just an unbiased appraisal of the way you truly are. Whatever. It’s all good to me. When the Universe speaks, you better be ready to listen up. It means you are about to be schooled.
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Little Ducky Komen
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
Source: Wikipedia – Duck test
File this post under “E” for Editorial. Or Enema. I can’t remember which.
That duck quote is an oldie but a goodie, but there’s another verse that I added which unfortunately usually gets omitted. “And if you find yourself covered in duck guano you probably took duck verification a bit too far.” (Achievement: poop tag!)
There is a fable in Abyss land that goes something like this:
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Short Story: Brains #BlogShorts
Brains
by Tom B. Taker
The operation was over. I had successfully transplanted one-fourth of my own brain to my creation.
“We’ll have conversations worth having,” I told myself in more ways than one.
—
This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.
Short Story: Nice Car #BlogShorts
Nice Car
by Tom B. Taker
Bobby drafted suicidally behind Ricky as they screamed out of the turn.
Hitting turbulence, Ricky buffeted out of the groove.
There was … contact.
Bobby spun once; rubber left the ground.
—
This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.
Three blind gerbils
Gerbil nutritional pyramid. Take and bake pizza information was not available by our publication deadline.
Not every gerbil path is exactly the same. For example, most drop out of high school but some actually hang tough and barely graduate. Either way, though, the paths taken can still have remarkable similarities.
Most live at home as long as possible. Most avoid jobs, effort and all forms of responsibility like the plague. Most get into things like drugs, smoking, energy drinks (Monster, Red Bull) and expensive coffee stand drinks as quickly and as deeply as possible. Most are extremely poor, becoming adept moochers, yet still maintaining the most expensive of tastes. Some rely solely on mooching skills, others may turn to petty theft and crimes to maintain their standards of living.
In terms of avoiding jobs, most gerbils go one step further and begin customizing their appearance. Things like tattoos, tongue piercings, lip piercings, ear piercings, ear lobe gauging, bizarre facial hair, nose rings, and long dirty unkempt hair are routine. Strange clothing completes the ensemble. Not wanting to be limited to the dimension of sight only, most smell bad as well.
The net result is a life form that it almost unemployable in every way shape or form.
I’ve covered most of this before, however. This is really nothing new.
Our GRIPE scientists recently made another startling breakthrough in measuring gerbil behavior. Within a single herd they successfully identified three males sharing a surprising characteristic: They have all applied and been approved to receive food stamps!
The GRIPE scientists wanted me to pass along a message regarding this finding: “We are not shitting you.”
Details are still sketchy, more field research is needed, but here’s what we know so far.
Three gerbils, including our own son and two of his herd, have applied for and received food stamps. Yes, they’ve had a rough life and need help from a system they’ve never fucking paid into. Dropping out of work, avoiding your GED, refusing to look for a job, and turning your physical being into a fashion accessory is hard work.
So these three lazy 21-year-old assholes who have underachieved, dropped out, and never really held down a job are all pulling in food stamps. The food stamp money can even be used to pay for their “take and bake” pizzas!
Oh … my … God. What does a motherfucker living at home still need food stamps for???
I think the pyramid produced by our GRIPE staff sums it up nicely. Pot, smoking and drugs all come first. Then non-nutritional edibles like candy, expensive coffee drinks and the primary nutritional source for gerbils: lots and lots of Monster and Red Bull energy drinks.
If you have no job, live at home, have a medical marijuana card and are on food stamps, nothing less than $4 coffee drinks will suffice. Obviously.
–Tom B. Taker
It’s obvious why their is a need for food stamps. They do actually use the food stamps to buy some groceries, thus they are able to divert the remainder of their cash money to the things they really want that are really useless. The other day the gerbil stopped by and tried to borrow money from us because, he said, he only had 43 cents to his name. Yet he is never without his expensive smokes. Funny how that works.
Really, I want to know. What, if anything, are we teaching the youth of this generation and how in any way, shape or form are they being prepared to deal with the real world? I fear for them.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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