The 89 Cent Solution
Some refer to sugary soda beverages as “liquid candy.” I say they’re wrong. It’s liquid gold. “There’s gold in them thar self-serve dispensers!”
The history of soda portions is super-sized fun. When introduced by McDonalds in 1955, a cup of soda weighed 7 oz. By 2012, however, a 12-ounce soda was considered “kid’s size.” McDonalds, Wendy’s and Burger King all rolled out 42 ounce size single-serving potions called, respectively: Supersize, Great Biggie, and King Size. Since, then, however, those paltry portions have been dwarfed by the Mega Jug at KFC (64 oz), the Beast at ARCO (85 oz), HuMUGous at Kum & Go (100 oz) and the Team Gulp at 7-Eleven (128 oz).
Are you noticing a trend yet? Your keen scientist brains should already be extrapolating future results. My linear regression line indicates that by 2042 a single-serving size will be approximately the capacity of a backyard swimming pool. I call this the LaGrange Point of Soda Evolution. We’ll have achieved something truly special when we’re actually able to swim in our serving sizes.
The point is: We’re a thirsty lot.
With all this in mind, a construction worker name Christopher Lewis of North Charleston recently was having lunch at the Ralph H. Johnson VA Medical Center in Charleston, S.C. He went to the self-serve soda dispenser and got himself a soda refill. And, by doing so, prompted an improbable chain of events that has irrevocably changed the face of law enforcement as we know it. It makes the Twinkie Defense look like child’s play.
Behold the power of liquid candy.
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Did I already do a Work Post this week? I’m too lazy to look. Fuck it. It’s go time.
A Tale of Two Shitties
Chapter One: You Want It When?
Tom’s Law #42
Fast shipping to customers is fraught with danger.
A customer visits your ecommerce website and places an order. That’s the dream, isn’t it? Whoo hoo! It’s time to celebrate by rolling around like a pig in shit.
It’s not just any order, either. One with an $800 item and a $20 accessory. Score!
Demotivational Dictionary: customer
An idiot stupid enough to want the meaningless shit you sell. And want it yesterday.
The customer wants fast shipping. Uh oh.
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Short Story: Oops #BlogShorts
Welcome to part one of a new intermittently recurring series I’m going to be doodling with from now on. I’m calling the series the “Technology Commandments.” In short these are things you should be doing (or not doing) with technology. So sayeth the most holy Pentium chip. Or something like that.
I. Thou shall knowest and verily verify thou intended recipient when thousest dost forward emails. This dost include religiously employing your powers of observation when thine keyboard is suddenly possessed with the heavenly spirit of “auto-complete.”
Ctrl-F. That’s oh-so-easy. A little too easy. Of course when you forward an email the computer still asks you to specify a recipient. That’s probably the most important task of the humble human when forwarding emails. Who do you have in mind, eh? That space is intentionally left blank. So you tap out a character or two on your keyboard. Cue the sound of heavenly angels – that field just magically completed itself with the computer’s best guess of what you actually wanted.
You had better be paying attention! In that thar field thar be dragons!
The auto-complete feature in your email client just guessed the email address of someone you’ve written to in the past. That’s how someone’s email shows up in that recipient box in the first place. Presumably this is someone you probably know.
Are you watching? Are you paying attention? Or are you about to click SEND and pass along your private thoughts to the wrong person. That can have disastrous results. This isn’t like driving. For once you had better stay focused.
Thus sayeth the Pentium.
How about YOU? Do you have any stories of forwarding something inappropriate to the wrong person? Be open and honest about it and share with us in the Comments section below. Don’t worry – we promise to point and laugh.
In the next reading: Thou shall covet many passwords.