Guru got a role model
Hey, handsome!
Most everything I ever needed to know I learned from the world of Star Trek.
Like, this week, I re-watched an old episode of The Next Generation (TNG) and thought to myself, “Now there’s someone I want to be like! Yeah, baby!”
I’m talking about, of course, Armus, from the Star Trek: TNG, first season, in the episode Skin of Evil.
Wow. This does sound good, doesn’t it?
Save your compassion; it’s revolting. You offer it like a prize, when it’s an insult.
–Armus
I try to be as negative as I can, but sometimes it’s so hard. (Whaa.) I realized what I was lacking was a proper role model. Say hello to Armus!
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The Asshole is trending
No, not the asshole himself. But I have it on good authority that this guy is a close, personal friend. Perhaps he can introduce us?
Hey, stranger. Are you winking at me?
I feel like such a trendsetter. I paid homage to The Asshole very early during the existence of this blog. What is The Asshole? The answer is complicated. It is part dream, part philosophy, and part psychology. It’s an idea as big as The Beatles, the Dali Lama and Mother Teresa wrapped into one big ball of fun. It’s best friend, enemy, lover, and confidant. And yes, it is also a namesake for a critical piece of human anatomy, that which makes life possible.
I did some research prior to writing this post. That research was a bitch. They don’t always make it easy. Sometimes it is hard to answer questions like:
- What day was my first posting?
- When was the first time I used the word “asshole?”
- When was the first time I used the phrase “Society of Assholes?”
- How many posts contain the word “asshole?”
- How many times has the word “asshole” been used in a subject line?
Search has come a long way, but sometimes getting answers to seemingly simple questions like these can be a real bitch.
But I digress. Finally I did figure out a way to answer some of these.
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The fifty percent cat kicker
Go ahead. Kick me, you cockroach. Then you can say hello to my little friend!
Today I’d like to introduce Clevon. (Not his real name.)
Clevon is an interesting person. Sometimes he’s nice. Sometimes he’s a shit heel. Some people I know speculate that he’s not “all there” mentally. I’m not so sure. Even if true that doesn’t excuse downright meanness. He’s a fairly well known guy in our community, owns his own small business, is God-fearing and active in the local Masonic lodge.
He certainly acts like no God-fearing Mason I’ve ever met. I have a great amount of respect for the Masons. Before I met Clevon, I’d never met one who was a douchebag. Aside from Clevon they’ve all been people I was very glad to know.
Sometimes people will ask me my opinion of Clevon. I’ll respond and say that he’s probably one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve ever known. (If I’m in the mood to be honest. It depends on who is asking.) He’s one of the few people I can seriously say I “hate” on planet Earth. I don’t hate easily but he’s earned it.
Sometimes people will act surprised to hear me say this. “But Clevon does lots of nice things. He does XYZ for the community. He helps old ladies across the street. He supports our troops. He even baked me cookies.”
Yeah? So the fuck what? He’s also a gun-totin’ freak who terrorized his girlfriend to the point that she was afraid for her life and had to get a restraining order. Finally he appeared to lose interest and disappeared. Now I hear he’s back in town. Bummer. He’s also the kind of person who yells about “freedom” all the time but backstabs people around town who have different beliefs and political positions than he does.
Clevon raises the legitimate question: “How do you classify someone who is nice part of the time?” To me the answer is simple. “Douchebag!”
I’ll use the example of a cute little cuddly kitty cat to make my point. Let’s say one day Clevon walks along and sees the kitty. He bends down and says “here kitty kitty” and gives the cat some love and the cat purrs. How nice.
The next day, however, he sees the kitty and gives it a swift kick for no particular reason at all.
And so it goes, back and forth, day after day, alternating love and kick. Love. Kick. Love. Kick.
How would you classify this behavior? Would you say that Clevon is “fifty percent nice?” Or, perhaps, “fifty percent a jerk?”
Not me! Anyone who acts like that is 100% asshole douchebag in my book. That is why Clevon gets no sympathy or pity from me for anything. And he gets zero appreciation from me when he does something nice. If you repeat your asshole behavior often enough then you are an asshole. Forgiveness and redemption can only come once the behavior has stopped and a real change for the better has been made.
Sorry, Clevon. I know what you are.
Note: My eager staff of interns has just informed me that the term “cat kicker” has a vulgar definition over on the Urban Dictionary. The selection of the example used in this post was purely coincidental.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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