Dear Guru: Burning Down The House
Your home is on fire. Grab five items (assume all people and animals are safe). What did you grab?
You’re sick, you know that? Seriously. Get some help. I mean, I like a tasty thought experiment as much as the next guy, but come on! My home is on fire? Tell me how you really feel.
OK. I’ll do my best. I’m a professional and I still have a job to do. I have taken the Advice Columnist’s Oath and that means, basically, I have to take it. Each and every time. Very well. Out of respect for the craft I will give this question a serious response.
What do I grab?
First Item: “Screen.”
I grab the screen. Get it? Screen grab? Woo hoo! I crack myself up. I’m a real hoot. My house is on fire and I’m cracking some of my best improv material ever. It’s a win win.
Professionalism be damned.
Uh, what was the question again?
Seriously, though. I’m not kidding. The 42″ flat screen LCD TV is obviously the first thing. I’m not insane. An American is nothing without his TV. And I can carry that puppy under my arm, all by myself. I’m sure it won’t be too heavy because I’ll be all hopped up on adrenaline from the flames.
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Money Can’t Miserly Love
A wealthy man was generously offering his counsel to a poor man. He said, “The truth of the matter is this: Money can’t buy you love.”
The dispensing of wisdom was briefly interrupted by the arrival of a UPS delivery driver. “Ah. If you’ll excuse me, I see my daily delivery of useless plastic consumeristic widgets made in China has arrived. A box! A box! Oh goodie, a box!”
Spittle flew from jiggly jowls as the man lurched for his box cutter and sliced open the cardboard like a battlefield surgeon. There wasn’t even time for triage. In moments he held the widgets up before his eyes, which briefly glazed over as various pleasure centers in his brain were involuntarily activated, then in a few mere seconds he carelessly tossed the items aside. He was already bored with them.
“Now then, where were we? Ah yes, true happiness must come from within.”
Blog traffic down yesterday: Negativity Scene
OK, what’s up with y’all? Yesterday my blog recorded a very unusual dip in traffic. It’s almost like something else was going on. Hmmm.
I came up with a phrase in an earlier post that really tickled me. “Negativity scene.” Curious if anyone else ever thought of something similar, I went and Googled it. My idea was, perhaps, a post on “how to make your own negativity scene.”
Alas, as always, another one of my great ideas has already been done by someone else. I was amused, however, to see that my humble blog was result #9 on the first page of results for the phrase. 🙂
Most of what I found railed against materialism, debauchery, consumerism and indulgence. I have to say I mostly agree.
Here are some notable hits from the Google search:
Now I must go. Day 3 of the Christmas holiday vacation is about to ensue. Joy.