Tag Archives: masticate

Foods With Benefits

processed-foodFood has been sleeping around with your stomach and no condoms have ever been involved. It’s like a 60’s love fest in your belly. Groovy, baby.

It turns out that the human stomach isn’t that discriminating. It’s a go-with-the-flow kind of hipster dufus (probably wearing a fedora) who blindly trusts decisions made by the brain and mouth. Ha ha ha! Like they give a shit about downstream organs!

Tom’s Law #42

As one becomes less involved in the production and preparing of one’s own food, the odds of unwanted contaminants, unknown ingredients, lessened nutrition, deception and malice are exponentially increased.

Chew on that!

For example, the average fast food patron eats an average of 12 public hairs per year. And probably in a public place! Some things are meant to be handled in pubic.
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It puts it in its mouth and masticates

Hyppo and CritterYesterday I wrote a Hyppo and Critter about a ballot initiative in The Great State of Washington. (See the clickable inset image top right.)  I wish to elaborate.

According to the official ballot measure summary:

This measure would require foods produced entirely or partly with genetic engineering, as defined, to be labeled as genetically engineered when offered for retail sale in Washington, beginning in July 2015. The labeling requirement would apply generally to raw agricultural commodities, processed foods, and seeds and seed stock, with some exceptions, but would not require that specific genetically-engineered ingredients be identified. The measure would authorize state enforcement and civil penalties, and allow private enforcement actions.

Source: Wikipedia – Washington Initiative 522, 2012

The Washington legislature failed to act on this item, so it will be presented to voters on the November 5, 2013 general election ballot.

Let them eat yellowcake! But let no force in the universe require us to tell them what we used as ingredients. (Hint: It rhymes with spit.)
–Yellowcake Producers of Abyss Hidden Crevice Ranch

I live in Portland, Oregon, so I’m a poor son of a bitch getting blasted by big money advertising in regards to this issue. That’s how it pierced my filter bubble. But more on that later.
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Mayo Daze

graphIf you’re like me (and who isn’t?) you enjoy sandwiches but suffer greatly from the fact that mayonnaise absorbs into bread.

In the morning you slather on the mayo fully anticipating a world of wonder but come lunchtime you are left with limp, soggy bread and an underwhelming mastication experience.

The secret lies within a complex scientific phenomenon known as “mayonnaise viscosity.” Or, as we like to call it, MV.

What if I told you there was a way you could have your mayo and eat it, too? Now how much would you pay?

Introducing new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets with MV Technology. Our flavorologists have taken the humble mayonnaise packet and – finally – turned it into something that’s actually useful.

Traditional packets have to be opened and squirted to deliver their contents to the target area. This is time consuming and messy. Has this ever happened to you? And driving a car? Forget about it! That mayonnaise might as well be in the jar back home.

But with Mayo Kibblins you just place it and go. So easy even an American can do it!

Here’s how it works:

Regular mayonnaise packets are made from non-biodegradable materials like lead, arsenic, butter flavor and nuclear waste. But Mayo Kibblins packets are specially designed to be eaten. The secret is the micro-thin layer of bioengineered edible husks from Monsanto that are powered by pass-thru nanites. Simply put: You don’t have to open the packet because it is designed to be eaten. Take that, silica gel!

When bitten, these husks invisibly break down and allow the creamy white sauce to squirt right out – into your mouth, sandwich or wherever you need it to go! No more mess. No more fuss!

The result is the most viscous mayonnaise flavor you’ve ever experienced. And since the husks are flavorless, your sandwich is as delicious as ever. Husks will soon be available in 42 different texture profiles to enhance the chewing experience, too. Want horseradish “mouthfeel” only without the bite? No problem! Mayo Kibblins can handle that job with style.

Look for new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets today in drug stores, hardware stores and wherever fine pool chemicals are sold. (Not available in grocery stores.)